My Mosaic

Well done for being honest with your GP, @Bow and for realising hospital might be your safer option right now.

Who usually organises your hospital stays?

Sending lots of hugs and 💜

P.S. I think I would try the new presciption drugs available in July if I had treatment-resistant depression.

My hospital admissions usually come out of crisis @NatureLover either through emergency services being called or my case manager taking me in straight away. I’ve never had a planned admission.

I spoke with one of the lovely SANE counsellors last night. Tried to get my head around why I needed them to make the decision for me (without ES being involved) vs just accepting the offer of a planned admission. I think there is a lot of guilt associated with choosing to go into hospital and leaving a mess behind for my mum to deal with. If they tell me I need to go (but I need to go voluntarily too, I don’t want to be admitted as an involuntary patient, I need to stay in control), then… I don’t know. I don’t feel as guilty. Complicated! My head is a mess!

I have no appointments today. A day at home. Mum wants me to clean the exhaust fan in the bathroom. We have home help coming today, to see what additional help mum wants around the house. I’m glad that things are finally starting to happen in regards to all of that. I’ll exercise some and then do some painting. I’ve nearly finished my third paint by numbers of photos that I’ve custom ordered. I wish I could show them. They look just like the photos. I will soon run out of room to hang them, as I got frames for them all. So have decided… and my psychologist also encouraged me, to offer my painting skills to friends. Perhaps someone out there would like a photo turned into a painting?

anyways, off I go.

@Bow

I have done ECT as an outpatient and inpatient before.

The last hospital admission I had, I had ECT 3 times per week so I think it was around 13 sessions I had as an inpatient. Now they want me to do 3 sessions as an outpatient, with one every fortnight.

I found ECT as an inpatient better. As an outpatient I have to rely on H to take me in. hang around for about 4 hours and then bring me home. Also I can't drive that day because of the anesthetic, so he has to do school pick up too. Also have to rely on someone else to take kids to school. As an inpatient, I just found that I didn't have to rely on anyone else. It was just me that was 'put out'. I will admit that where I had ECT done has been the same place whether it was an outpatient or inpatient. The doctors and nurses are really lovely.

@Bow I'm not sure if there is a difference between public and private. I actually am on work cover, so once it is approved (which can take awhile) I can go ahead with treatment.

I totally agree with @Eve7 about memory loss. I found my short term memory has been greatly affected. I'm not sure if it will ever come back. I use a journal a lot but lucky I have very understanding kids and H.

@Bow I hope this helps and it's no too much to deal with. Hoping your day today goes well hon. Sending lots of love your way 💜💜

Thanks for sharing that @Snowie i appreciate it. Doing it as an inpatient would be ideal. But it’s a long time to commit to an admission for me. I have my daughter, my mum and step dad to think about too. My ex would find out I’m back in hospital.

And there is the whole memory thing too. Last time it affected my memory big time and I just haven’t been the same cognitively either- I can’t describe it.

I see my pdoc tomorrow afternoon. Even though it’s the last time I will see her, I will talk to her about it. I will also have the metabolic testing done too. I will also maybe…. If I have the courage, to ask what a planned admission would look like for me.

@Bow I'm glad I could help, even just a little.

The commitment to an admission is hard to do, especially with your daughter.

I found it affected my memory big time too. I had to, and still am, asking H lots of things. I have tried to keep a journal and also a calendar to help me out a little.

I hope your appointment with your pdoc goes ok hon, even if it is the last one unfortunately. It might be worth just asking about an admission. Even just to get her opinion might be a good thing. Doesn't mean you are saying yes to it, just different opinions might help make the right decision for yourself. Especially with a young daughter, no doubt it is an extremely hard decision.

I'm just really sorry it will be your last appt with your pdoc, @Bow . Has she recommended another pdoc for you to see?

You didn't sound greatly distressed last night like you sometimes do...I hope it's a good sign. 💜

I will just see another pdoc at community mh @NatureLover I’m not sure if they have replaced my current pdoc yet, but my case manager said there are a couple of registras there currently.

just stayed away last night @NatureLover @when things got bad

I will just see another pdoc at community mh @NatureLover I’m not sure if they have replaced my current pdoc yet, but my case manager said there are a couple of registras there currently.

just stayed away last night @NatureLover @when things got bad

@Bow Thoughts are with you hon as you see your pdoc for the last time.

I hope the appt. goes ok and she can suggest someone else for you to see.

Sending lots of love 💌💌

Thanks @Snowie @NatureLover

I went to my appointment this afternoon. I had two things that I wanted to discuss…. ECT as an outpatient and what a planned admission would look like. I asked neither. I just shut down. She spent a lot of time looking over my medication and what options there were for sleep. In the end we kept everything as it was and see how I continue to go. I’m at least getting off to sleep a tiny bit better but I am waking up an awful lot still. I’m actually really exhausted today.
My pdoc did say that she wasn’t completely sure what the plan was for, she think she is moving to inpatient care as they are short on pdocs there. She said she could be back in 3-4mths. She just wasn’t sure. She wants to see me again next week and she will introduce me to one of the senior registrars who will oversee my care from then on.
I walked away really disappointed in myself that I wasnt able to talk about the things that I wanted to. I know the safest place for me is in hospital at the moment cause I really don’t feel safe, I want it to be a planned, voluntary admission, try for just a short stay as a circuit breaker. I felt like if I had a plan in place for next week perhaps then I could get through the weekend. But I didn’t ask. I didn’t say anything. I’m just too stupid.
I eventually sent my case manager a text. She called me just before 5 and we are going to put together a plan on Monday. I go in and see my psychologist then, so I guess I will see my CM after that.
I’d really appreciate perhaps the extra check ins from my friends here over the weekend if that is at all possible? I do have community mh coming on Sunday, but again, I just never know who it will be and whether I feel comfortable with me. My psychologist did encourage on Monday to talk with whoever comes. They will obviously know some stuff about me.

Thanks for reading of you got this far