My Mosaic

Feeling a bit fragile and on edge tonight, but my first appointment went well.

She is lovely and easy to talk to and asked the right questions that enabled me to bring up the couple of things that I wasn’t sure I would be able to bring up on my own, which I felt were important.

She gave me a safety plan, a couple of exercises to help ground me (I have a beautiful teal rock) when needed and had me sign a no harm contract? Think that’s what it’s called- not entirely sure how I feel about that.....

She was quiet concerned about my lack of eating and has made an additional appointment for next week instead of in a fortnight. She really wants me to eat, I said I’d try, but I don’t know if I can.

Sounds like it went well then @Bow 😄

Really glad about that. And impressed that she set up all the right safety measures too ... grounding, safe place, safety plan. 👍👍👍

Equally wonderful that you felt comfortable with her, and she put the control in your hands to cover the areas of concern that you wanted.

Lots of positives there @Bow . Its good too that you will see her next week and that she is monitoring your eating.

I havent heard of a no harm contract before.

Emelia 🌷

I Hope it’s ok to talk about this... haven’t seen much of it in any threads, but this is growing to become a very big issue for me, it’s very much apart of my every day life. Taking over

Yesterday when talking to a HL I heard the words eating disorder in association to me. It threw me. I know that I have had some eating issues for a few weeks maybe, a matter of it being something that I can control in my life when everything else is totally out of control and a mess.

I’ve noticed things getting worse in regards to my eating. I went to a function for my daughters preschool earlier in the week, which included a bbq lunch. I haven’t eaten lunch in weeks, but felt like I had to as everyone else was and they had provided food for me. Afterwards I felt horrible. I knew that I would have to then go home and eat dinner, which is pretty much the only meal I have been eating cause my family nag me about it. I wanted to punish myself for eating 2 meals. I even thought of ways to get out of dinner.

Yesterday i was preparing dinner for my daughter as I was going to a leaders meeting and end of year dinner. I wanted to have a taste of her meal I was preparing for her, but resist the urge and didn’t. I then felt such a huge sense of achievement. Like I had won. I had beat the urge. It felt so good.

Later that evening at the dinner function, pizza was served up. I had anxiety about eating, I felt like everyone was watching me. I ate, but I stared at every bit of food I put on my folk. I looked at the shape of it, the colour etc.

another monster is growing inside me and I can’t stop it. It’s growing fast. I frequently have moments of dizziness.

I haven’t been able to stick to the agreement I made with my psych of eating breakfast. Not sure how that’s going to go down.

This one is on me. It’s my fault. Another thing that I have failed at. I feel defeated. Trapped in a body I don’t like tormented by a mind spiralling our of control. Sinking deeper into the pits of despair and slowly killlling myself.

@Bow I’m hearing you. If you can talk to your supports about what’s going on with you, it might help.

Sometimes, not always, food can appear to be the only thing we feel we can control.

Its not your fault @Bow . I hope someday you will hear it deep down inside. For now, it’s words that can’t land, and that ok.

Sending you lots of these 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕 just because you are you.

Thanks @Maggie my psych is the only one that knows about this. I haven’t told anyone else and I won’t. I’m fearful that it will be taken away from me. Urgh this all sounds so stupid. I love food. It’s this battle inside me. Tug O war. the dark thoughts that are rolling around inside right now. 😔😩

I feel like I have to apologise, everything feels so extremely difficult at the moment. Being heard if by only one person helps.

I’ve come to realise a couple of things tonight. As this monster has quickly and viciously grown, has taken over so many aspects of my life, it has replaced a lot of my dark suicidal thoughts that ravaged my mild during the day. Instead I think about resisting the urges and ..... I’ve realised that there is a part of me that thinks that dying this way would be more acceptable? Than suicide? Even though this is very much self inflicted and all my fault. Maybe my heart will just stop? Maybe I’ll just not wake up. I don’t know. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate feeling this way. It bloody sucks. Tonight I’ve just had enough of it all. I feel absolutely exhausted. Feel like life is folding in around me and through my hands. I am scared at how quickly and viciously I have slipped into this pit and see no way out. No end but by one way.

unsure what to do.

Hi there @Bow 😊💞

This is necesssarily brief, I have a major storm about to break ... thunder and lightening all around right now.

But saw your post and wanted to let you know I'm listening.

You said you are unsure what to do. Are you safe? Do you need someone to talk to, someone to listen? I can listen, but dont have a lot of words right now. I can also sympathise, but do not know how to help.

Must go ... switch things off before they blow up in this storm.

Emelia

i feel so alone. i want to crawl into a ball on the floor and just cry. i cant stop this downward spiral.

@Bow

Not alone. 🤗💝