My Mosaic

It’s so repulsive

gross and so very ugly

stand there looking at it

hurling abuse and swear words

taking it in

letting it sink in

look at the rolls the flubber and how it all giggles

so much fat

repulsive

My body

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@Bow wrote:

I did ok today. Very short session, that’s all I could manage today. But I kept my suds down.

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Well done @Bow 🙂

And good luck with today's appt too... 💜

I feel so much sadness today. It weighs heavy

your forum friends are sitting with you and here if you want to talk about it @Bow ❤️

Ohhh sending you lots of hugs my friend @Bow and sitting with you xxx

@Bow 💕💕

So raw and broken

My psychologist reminded me today of the absolute importance of not leaving any details out. She said that she can handle it, there isn’t anything she hasn’t heard. I added details from an image I had today in session.
I can not fathom having the ability to be able to verbalise some of the details I am yet to get out and put onto paper. I just don’t know how I can do that.

@Bow I totally agree with you. My psych says she can deal with whatever I tell her too.

I also get how hard it is to verbalise some of the details. I don't know how I can get it out either. It seems so hard for me just to think about and she wants me to say it out loud.

I find that when I say things out loud then they are real. I also think that she is judging me (even though I know she isn't). I often think some things are better being hidden forever, but then that doesn't help in my recovery.

Gee, such a hard thing to do.

Yep, saying them words makes it all the more real @Snowie

My psych spoke about there being so much shame around saying some things, like how our bodies sometimes respond to what is happening to us, things that we have no control over. That was not me. Not that I remember.

thinking about it is hard, seeing the picture and feeling things in my body is hard, I just don’t know if I have the words inside me to speak of what happened in those moments. My psych talked about ways we might be able to work together to get it out… me writing in session… describing the pictures, even just words that don’t necessarily form sentences. We added some details that I wrote at home last week… maybe that could also be a way too. Urgh

I’m so broken tonight. Sad. Teary. Wanna go to bed and disappear.

I think there is a lot of shame around these events @Bow Shame from the victim. Even though my psych says it was not my fault there is still a lot of blame that we have. I'm not sure if that ever goes away. I wish it would.

I'm sure there are lots of ways for these experiences to come out, but it is super hard to do so. I remember I drew a picture of a room one time labelling everything in it. That was difficult enough without going into detail. I'm not sure how I would cope with that.

You are not broken hon, very far from it. But I can understand how you would think that way. I will come and hide with you.