Thank you for your support, I’ve cried alot today and am still going. I feel so fragile and broken still.
Last night was extremely difficult. I got in such a horrible dark place and could not stop myself from spiraling further. I needed it to all stop, all I could think about was sh and si. I did try to reach out and called a helpline but it was not at all helpful, I have been paying for what I did last night all day today, I am sore and things have been very slow moving. I wish my meds that I take actually helped me to sleep still, seems that they don’t anymore and I’m left to self medicate in the wrong ways and even then sleep is horrible and I wake a lot during the night.
This morning I had an appointment with a new gp at a different clinic. Felt so anxious going in having to explain the last few months to someone new. After getting her to understand the roller coaster that has been my life, she turned around and said she thinks she can help me. I told her my previous gp was very dismissive of my mental health and I needed someone who would listen and give me time and not just push me out the door. I spent nearly an hour in with her. She checked in with my safety and I have an appointment with her again on Monday, she offered to come in on Saturday if I felt I needed to see her sooner, but said no. She said to call her if I need to. I hate having to give my word to people that I won’t hurt myself before I see them again. They are just empty promises to me. Felt the same about signing no harm agreements with my psych. She also asked about the comm mh team follow up since my last discharge, I told her that I was disappointed that they hadn’t been in touch and that I have just not been able to contact them myself. She did one of those moods assessments on me and then she called comm mh while I was there and asked what was going on and that I needed an assessment. When she got off the phone she said they were useless and she needed a punching bag! She did repeat bloods and gave me details for a psychiatrist that she highly recommended. I felt heard.
I then went down to the comm mental health clinic, as they requested to see me. Wasn’t overly keen to go cause I’m so fearful of being hospitalised again and in the psych ward- which I don’t want. But if I am honest I probably need to be there for my own safety. The mh worker said they didn’t get my referral and asked why I was there! Urgh. He asked about my recent o.d and what lead to it. I talked about my eating issues and my frustrations around getting help. He briefly asked about my safety, but kept going back to my eating issues. I did for the first time tell someone physically that I perhaps abuse laxatives? He strongly suggested I see a different psych to help with my eating issues, gave me 2 numbers to call and said he would discuss it with his team tomorrow and if they come up with any other suggestions he would call me. What I don’t understand is they have an eating disorder clinic as part of the comm mh clinic. Perhaps I am not sick enough? I don’t know. I don’t want another psych, I waited so long to see this one and I have connected with her, I don’t want to have to start again with someone else. I highly doubt there will be any follow up and I am yet again left feeling disappointed and let down with comm mh.
I’m still not in a good place. I’m fearful of nights and the spiral that they inevitably bring. I do try and catch myself before the spiral, but often I simple can’t. I feel like my life is absolutely out of control. And while I feel like I have found a gp that is perhaps willing to help me, am I beyond it? It all just feels too much, too hard. I am beyond feeling tired, my body, my mind feels exhausted. Today I felt extremely lethargic again, I’ve not felt that since my recent admission to hospital so will be waiting to see what my bloods say. I feel hopeless and am having horrible si tonight. I can’t keep living like this.
If you’ve got this far, thank you.
