My Mosaic

Thought I would check in with you @Bow - I imagine there's quite an avalanche of emotions that goes with your D staying at her father's.

Was your walk nice?

Walk was nice. But am spent now. Done too much today.

and yes... avalanche of emotions.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I use to feel like I was a person with an eating disorder, but now I just feel like I am an eating disorder. I don’t know where the eating disorder ends and where the real me begins. I can’t separate the two. They feel the one in the same. The lines are so blurred.

The eating disorder is so loud, it’s so big. It’s all consuming and don’t know where I have gone. Who’s voice is that? Its hard for me to tell, is it me speaking or just my ED? I do what it says anyway, they are one in the same.

I can’t see a way out. It has its grip on me. Its constantly giving me a false sense of control. What once I could control now controls me.

There feels no end in sight except for what it wants. It’s end goal to destroy me, it’s slowly winning. I give in. I claim defeat. It's won.

Perhaps today it won the battle @Bow but I don't believe it will win the war.

But then, perhaps it's not a war to be won, but a process of learning how to connect with yourself again. Is there something you can do, something you can think of, that can help you do that tonight? Even just watching a movie you've always loved and remembering why you love it, for example.

Here with you

It's all just a big bloody mess n I need it to stop too tired

Yeah the fatigue would be gnarly @Bow, truly. I hope you can find ways to get some rest - not just sleep, but rest for your mind, body, and soul.

I like this concept when it comes to resting - The Seven Types of Rest

What type of rest do you think you need most right now?

@Bow

I feel like the biggest bloody screw up

when I pull apart what is inside my head

the things that I am doing to destroy myself

I don’t understand any of it

something is wrong

noone can fix me

I don’t see you as “the biggest bloody screw up” @Bow and I am sad that is how you are seeing yourself tonight.

I hear your pain and confusion and I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to fix you, I am here to sit with you

💜🙏🤗🙏💜

@Bow ...sending hugs...