My Mosaic

Cried a lot today. I hate this ED so much. It's such a miserable existence. I feel so weak and fatigued today. Dizziness and chest pains on and off. I know that I need to eat but I just can't do it. I barely made it down to the school to drop off and pick D up. Then had to do the groceries. I sat in the car before I came home from the shops and cried, knowing that I would go home and further exhaust myself with exercise. I'm so very tired. My body is just done.

Sorry to hear things are so tough for you @Bow

Sitting here with you 💕💕

What a day it has been! I'm so exhausted.

I had a phone appointment with my gp this morning. She had received the letter from my psychologist about my dizziness and asked how that had been. I told her about the other physical symptoms I have been having and she wrote up some urgent bloods and an ECG and booked a face to face appointment for tomorrow.

I was to then have a zoom appointment with my ED specialist, but she called before my gp appointment and asked to change it to this afternoon, which worked out well. It meant I could use down and have the bloods and ECG straight away before my appointment with my psychologist.

My gp had some free time once the pathologist showed her the ECG and asked to see my straight away and gave me the once over. ECG was ok and I will see her tomorrow as planned.

Rushed off to my psychologist appointment. My psych knew how bad a week I had had from what I had put in my recovery record. We talked about my lack of intake and continued exercising and other ED behaviours and how bad I physically felt. I really did not feel well and I struggled to stay connected and focused. She expressed her concerns about my physical state and that she thought going to hospital was a really good idea. I didn't want to and she didn't want to force me cause she wanted me to stay in control. We talked about it further, the tug of war between my ED and my healthy self and I eventually agreed to going to hospital, I really hate feeling this way, it feels horrible, so horrible. An ambulance was called to the comm mh clinic- which I hated, so hated it. My psychologist called my Mum... I felt bad. My daughter had a gp appointment for the afternoon, my psych arranged for my Mum to take her, thankfully.

I had so many ECGs done, bloods and given some fluids cause I was so dehydrated. My bloods came back fine- which I was honestly surprised about and my ECG was ok, so was allowed home. I rushed home just in time for my zoom appointment with my ED specialist. It was helpful and reassuring to speak with her. She understands that recovery is a very slow process She made some suggestions that I can try, and also said that a planned admission may be needed as I am continuing to lose weight, I may need some help to get some proper nourishment into me.

Then I had to go retrieve my car!

So that was my day. Sorry it was so long. I see my gp again tomorrow and my psychologist said she would call me tomorrow too, the community mh psychiatrist on Friday and then my dietitian on Saturday. I feel a tiny bit better for having had some fluids, but don't feel like anything has changed. Still can't bring myself to eat. Scared about eating and terrified about the road ahead.

I'll shut up now. I'm exhausted.

I’m sorry yesterday was so exhausting @Bow but I’m glad you are getting the professional support you deserve and need.

I hope you have been able to relax a little today.

Sending lots of love

💖🦋🙏🦋💖

Thanks @Eve7

ive touched base with my psychologist today and she said that they have accepted me into the case management team, so I will be allocated a case manager for some extra support, which will be good considering my psychologist is only there part time. I'm anxious about having to get to know and trust someone else though.

my gp wants me to have an echocardiogram and 24hr holter monitor. The echo is going to cost me nearly $400 so I'm going to hold off on that for the time being and perhaps phone around and see if I can find it cheaper or even bulk billed somewhere.

I still don't feel great today. When talking with both my gp and psychologist today they both agreed that I could be heading towards that planned admission for some proper nourishment. That's hard to take.

I honestly don't even know why I bother with all of this when my EDs end goal is to end it all. I am really struggling to differentiate between my ED and the real me. I think I use to understand and be able to separate the 2, I could see myself as a person with an ED, but now it just feels like I am an ED. I know that probably doesn't make much sense.

I don't feel like I have much hope at the moment. Defeated 😩

Hey @Bow
It is really something to have the courage to share that things are not ok right now.

There seems to be a change that you’ve noticed in being able to differentiate the ED and the real you. That makes sense to me for what it’s worth.

From my own experience, feelings of hopelessness doesn’t always mean harm to myself - but I do need to ask if you are not feeling safe it's really important you do reach out to access your crisis supports to get the right level help that you deserve.
You know yourself best & which crisis supports work for you

But here is a list in case you need them:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Also, you are always welcome to get in touch with us via email as well or get in touch with the Help Centre for more immediate support.

Go gently - Flybluebird

Hi @Bow

Sorry it’s all so hard but I’m pleased about the case management.

When I was in hospital a couple of weeks ago I had an echo and because I was an inpatient at the public hospital there was no charge. I was in with chest pain so it might be worth remebering that if you go in again.

Take care

💖🦋💖

Hey @Bow just checking in to see how you're going this evening.

What you've said makes a lot of sense - seems the ED is so loud, so strong, it feels like it's taken over. I hope you can remember that even if it may be a part of you, it does not get the final say. It is a part of you that deserves love, and compassion, and healing just like your whole self. But just like in any healthy relationship, it's okay to develop internal boundaries with that part of you.

Hmm... you talking about these different parts of yourself reminds me of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy - it's all about integrating our inner parts. This article has a good introduction, though it is definitely geared towards clincians so it does have a bit of jargon. Still might be worth a read.

Whatever the decision is about a planned admission, we will be beside you along the way.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so defeated tonight. I don't see how I can recover from this monster. I'm feeling no better than I was before everything yesterday. I want it to just take me

@Bow I'm so sorry to hear that this has you feeling so beaten down. I saw a pic going around recently that I thought I'd share:

Hope tomorrow is a little better for you