My Mosaic

@Emelia8 Im so sorry you're hurting so much, I do feel for you, you've had one thing after another to contend with. I'm so sorry your little doggo isn't well on top of it all. Can you reach out to your brother? Maybe give him a phone call and have a chat? Start watering down the drinks too Em

what my mind keeps repainting
I should just go

easier

I'm sorry

take care of each other

It is so much for any one person to endure @Bow

Take care of yourself too.

You can always contact a crisis service - sometimes having an external source of support can help, e.g. if you wanted to you could ask for some guided grounding.

I believe you will get through this. I really, truly do. I believe in you.

I got up and went to church this morning. I feel so alone and unseen here. I guess partly my fault. I choose not to tell anyone of what I am currently trying to deal with. Some of my closest friends know about my ED, my struggles with depression and my SI that have resulted in me being in hospital. But they don't know the extent of how much I struggle. They don't know how dark and scary inside my head is. It's really hard being here. I don't want to be here. Don't want to sit here and fake and pretend that I am ok when I am so far from being ok.
I hate that I am responsible for welcome ministry, I hate that I have to stand at the entry and welcome every one as they walk in and ensure that they sign in and stuff. If I wasnt employed by the church I would not be here. I have sat here and thought about making sure that I get my work done that I have to do during the week and then rostering people back on to welcome ministry and then just not turning up myself. See how long I can get away with that until my boss... the pastor even notices that I haven't been there. He doesn't speak with me, I hadn't heard from him from a work perspective for months. I emailed him this week to ask what notices he wanted done... that's all I've heard from him in a long time.
when overnights start with my daughter and her father I don't even want to go to church. I don't want people asking where my daughter is and then having to have that awkward conversation where I am not ok with what is happening.
why is it that in a place where I am suppose to be seen and heard and supported, that I feel the complete opposite.

just rambling. Trying to pass time cause I don't want to be here.

after church we need to head back home cause my brother and his partner will be home for lunch for my mums birthday. Another uncomfortable situation to be in.
i spoke with my dietitian yesterday about the pending holiday season and all the meals and parties that will occur. And how I am already anxious about those events. She said to set boundaries. Have conversations with people about what is ok and isnt ok to talk about and do. But I don't feel comfortable having those conversations. Why should I expect people to put things in place and do things just to make me feel more comfortable. This is my issue. I just need to learn to live with it since it's been my choice to have this ED and everything that comes with it. I just need to make sure I have an escape route. Or just not go.

rambling again. Sorry. today is not a good day. It's bad. Don't want to do it anymore. Don't want to be here. Alive. Breathing. Dealing with all this crap. Fighting.

Dearest Bow

I am so, so sorry to hear how awful things are feeling today. I am glad that this can be a space where you share your struggles when it can feel like you can't do that to people in your life.

One thing is for sure: You didn't choose to have an ED. No one would ever choose that, and for those that have been through it - you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

Here are things you have shown us that you have chosen lately:

- Taking care of yourself when your ED is telling you not to

- Talking with your dietician about upcoming struggles

- Going to church today even though it is really hard

- Reaching out here when things are feeling tough

- Choosing to get through each day, even if it is extremely painful

If you need extra support today please reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14) or 000 if it is an emergency. We truly care about you and want you to be here.

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

@Bow Sorry its all so hard 😔💝

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@Bow wrote:

This is my issue. I just need to learn to live with it since it's been my choice to have this ED and everything that comes with it.

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Just wanted to make a comment on your quote above.

It is NOT by choice that you have an ED. Nobody would ever choose to have such a devastating disorder. Please go easy on yourself, see yourself in a kind light and afford yourself some self compassion. Just as you deserve, and which you would afford to others going through a similar situation.

Love and lots of hugs.

Emelia

Thank you @Peregrinefalcon @Emelia8

guests have finally left and I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. But I have got on my bike. I still wanna cry.

@Emelia8 💖🌸🌺 Sending lots of love and hugs 😢❤️

@Bow 👀👂😔🙏💕

@Former-Member 🌹💞

@Emelia8 🧚🧚‍♂️💞

@Peregrinefalcon 🙏☀️💕

@Anastasia 👋💖😘