Tuesday, the day that I hang out for all week, when I see my psychologist and hope that by some miracle something will shift in session and things will get easier. Not today.
Today was week 4 of blind weigh ins and my psych pointed out the constant downward trend. She said normally it would be an up and down zigzag ans you could draw a straight line through the middle. She asked me how I felt about seeing the constant loss. I didn't know. Part of me doesn't believe it, I don't know ever see the figure, but why would she lie to me about? How am I suppose to feel about it? I still hate how I feel. I still hate how I look. All I see and feel is fat and a seeing a downward trend doesn't change that, it just encourages me ED to continue doing what it's doing cause it's getting results. She too is now concerned about my medical stability.
Today I disappeared a lot. I don't recall much of what we talked about. I think the fact that I went in their already highly anxious didn't help. Do you recall the time when your protective side first arrived? When you felt the need to put a wall up and stop people from getting too close?? She asked me that today. I went away.... I remembered when. But couldn't speak.
We went for a long walk when I came, she put herself between me and the traffic, I don't know if she sensed I needed that, or whether it's just a safety measure they put in place with everyone, but she did the right thing cause while I was trying to ground myself while walking that's all I could think about. We then went and sat in a park for awhile.
She did ask how I was going with the new medication. I told her I still have nightmares and that I've only asked for prn once cause I hate having to ask Mum for it. I agreed to her calling my Mum and asking that she just give it to me 3x daily so I don't have to ask. She wants to see my body being given a break.
I feel so fragile today. I honestly don't know how to keep going like this.
