My session with my psychologist was really difficult again today.
We did a blind weigh in straight away and I had lost... but she said it's no real indicator until we have done 4 weeks. She asked me how I felt about the lose on the graph.... I didn't know. Hard to tell when I don't know how much.
We did talk about how I have been coping since last week, I did a bit of journaling last night and took that along to share with her which was helpful. I wrote about the flashbacks, the nightmares, the disappearing. I wrote about smelling him and searching the house, she assured me that it was common and that smell is closely linked to trauma. I told her I am just so extremely tired and want to switch everything off.
We talked about PTSD and trauma responses. She talked about exposure therapy as a way to deal with and be able to move on from what happened. That really scares me. Terrifies me.
I really struggled to stay in my window of tolerance, creeping out of it a couple of times and taking some time to get back. She walked me to my car at the end, but I couldn't get in it. I was too scared to sit still. So we went for a walk for a bit until I had come down a bit more.
She has made me an earlier appointment with the pdoc @Emelia8 to discuss my current medication, mentioning that there is medication for PTSD. That if we are to do the exposure therapy she wants to make sure that I am well supported.
I left and stopped to get a drink before going home and then got stuck in my car. I couldn't move. I felt so overwhelmingly paralysed, I kept disappearing. I tried to call my psych a number of times- she said she was in for the rest of the afternoon and to call if I needed to, but she was with clients. She has just returned my call and I have made it home safely. I need to practice grounding and mindfulness 2-3 times a day so that when this happens I am more able to help myself.
I really don't know if I can do all of this. The exposure therapy. Reliving all of this over and over again. The constant nightmares and flashbacks. I told my psychologist that I feel so broken, she said I'm not broken, just wounded. How do I do this? It feels like torture.
@cloudcore I apologise for the delay. I'm trying really hard to be ok. I will reach out for support if I need to.
