My Mosaic

I'm struggling tonight. Struggling with my ED. I've been relatively ok since my 4 week stay in hospital, I've been eating at every meal, even sticking to the snacks despite not wanting to, including my recent stay in the psych ward. But my body is continuing to struggle with the physical side of eating regularly again. I constantly feel bloated with stomach discomfort and terrible nausea. It doesn't seem to be easing up at all. Tonight I feel horrible.

My dietitian said there is some medication that I can take to help with it, but my gp has refused to give it to me as it can mess with your brain and with all the other meds I am on doesn't want to add anything else. Which I guess I understand. It's just really frustrating.

I've engaged in unhelpful EDs behaviours tonight cause I can't take it anymore. And I desperately want to start restricting again. I can't stand the way that I am looking and the way that my body is changing with gaining some weight again. It makes me feel even more depressed.

Ive taken my meds and crawled into bed cause I want today to be over.

Hello @Bow that does sound extremely difficult. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I hope by now you re fast asleep resting so that morrow the I'll effects will have hopefully passed. Take care sweetheart and lots of squishy hugs coming to you 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

thank you @Anastasia i feel a bit better this morning physically. my head is still in a terrible place though. i had an appointment at community mh this morning, just the usual check in post discharge and got asked the usual million questions. my new psychologist will be in touch this week sometime too they said.

i went for a walk this morning, first time ive been in months. i was suppose to get medically cleared before i started again, but i thought that since ive been eating better it wouldnt hurt, i could certainly tell that i havent been doing any exercise for a while, felt so unfit.

how is your day going?

Message from ex this morning, letting me know that he has been thinking about overnights (my biggest fear and cause of anxiety) and letting me know that due to what is going on with school and him personally (what the heck does that even mean?? Am I suppose to ask him?? )he will leave overnights til years end and do a couple over the Christmas holidays and then ongoing from there. $%#£ I hate him and what he does. I hate him so much. I really wish he would just piss off. I am angry. Raging this morning. Why did he even need to send me this message, it just sets my anxiety off. I didn't need to know any of the information in it, it was all useless info to me. I'm sure he does it just to piss me off.

I did some thinking while I was in the psych ward recently, mostly cause I had to explain my situation to so many people and retell my story about why I am in the place that I am. I know that we are all responsible for our own actions and that we need to take ownership of how we respond to what other people do, but I believe I wouldn't be in the place that I am now if it wasn't for what he did. Oh I hate him. I hate me. I wish things were easier.
I'm sorry

@Bow

Sorry to hear what you are going through hon.

We are here for you and to support you. No need to be sorry.

💗💗💗💗

I really hear your frustration @Bow

I too struggle with the idea that I need to be responsible for my own behaviour when it sometimes feels like other people aren't taking accountabiliity for theirs.

Were you able to release some of the tension since the message from your ex? Anger and hate can be really intense and scary emotions to feel.

I find outlets like art (even just scribbling sometimes) useful for dealing with anger and frustration. If I don't do something to release the tension it festers which is actually worse for me because then i blow up in other ways.

Thinking of you
- periwinklepixie

thanks for replying @Former-Member my ex has never taken responsibility for what he did, has never apologised and for a very long time wouldn't even admit to what he did despite me having all the proof right in front of me. He is a compulsive liar as well.

I haven't really been able to calm down at all. Been on edge all day and have spent a lot of time in bed hiding from the world and wanting to disappear.

thank you also @Snowie

That sounds so difficult to process @Bow

Sometimes bed hide away times are best...I call them vacations! 😛

Hoping you can find some relief soon

- periwinklepixie

Was laying in bed having snuggles with my daughter late this afternoon. We were watching the wind blowing outside and listening to the rain. My daughter started talking about what would happen if the wind blew the tree over and it landed on my bedroom and got me. Not sure I should of asked, but I did, I asked if she would miss me if I died. She said 'no, I have the rest of my family'........

That’s hard @Bow

💜🤗💜