My Mosaic

Visit with my daughter was lovely today. She climbed up on the bed and we snuggled and watched some tv for a while.

I seen a mental health nurse? Today. A million questions- felt like it and not much else. I asked to have something to help me sleep tonight.

Then I seen the dietician, another million questions. The option for a protein nutrient drink to help get some good stuff back into- but my levels need to be at a certain point first. I thought that would be this afternoon- but nothing.

Then I seen the gastric team- drs that I have been admitted under. They were the roughest. Telling me I need to eat or things will need to get aggressive. Talks of waiting for a bed on the psych ward- which I do not want. I don’t think I need it. Being there is too traumatising and trigger for me.

There was a lot more from all of them, but they all came so quickly after each other that I don’t remember. I stressed to all of them that I want to be out of here ASAP.

its hard to eat when your just simple not hungry. I do really try. I eat a very small amount and I am full. My brother has offered to pick something up for me and bring it in for dinner- whatever I feel like- dinner wasn’t the nicest tonight.

A lady came around tonight. Said she was an afterhours CI? Didn’t get the full title. But she actually asked how I was. Showed interested. Asked if I had questions and who I had seen today. I explained that I felt a bit overwhelmed after seeing all the different teams and wasn’t really sure what the plan was. She said she would go read my notes and find out. I am disappointed that nearly 2 hrs later she hasn’t come back.

And the mental health team didn’t write up anything to help me sleep- so now I have to wait for a Dr to come by and see if they will write it up.

Thats about, sorry to bore you, helps to process it.

Feeling hopeful about being able to go home tomorrow.

Ive seen the gastric team and the psych doctor today. Both sounded happy with how things are going. Gastric said as long as my bloods are ok today- they have just added a potassium tablet? So maybe still a bit low? I did ask the nurse when she gave them to me but she didn’t seem to know. Frustrating that some people don’t seem to know what is going on. And also as long as my weight isn’t too different tomorrow.

Psych Dr had a chat with my mum while she was here this morning, making sure she is ok with me coming home. They talked for ages and I was concerned that they were talking about not discharging me, but mum assured me that they are keen to get me home before Christmas. They still haven’t started me on meds- mum said I need them, so maybe tonight? And they are going to review my scheduled status today.

Feeling a bit flat this arvo...

@Bow hoping you can come home tomorrow. It would be nice if you were with your family on xmas day.

Around for a bit if you need to chat/sit 💜

Thanks @Snowie

feeling a bit frustrated by the lack of communication and information. I’m not one to easily speak up, so when I do, I kinda like things followed up and a result. Like yesterday/ last night I had to ask 4 times to get something to help me sleep. I get that there are sicker patients here and all, and I feel shitty and taking up space when I ask for something. LIke they didn’t have enough IV poles on wheels, so everytime I needed to go to the loo I had to be asked to be disconnected to my fluids and then hooked back up again- I would hold for so long cause I felt like a nuisance and then get told just a minute. I hate being a psych patient. I feel like a nuisance, waste of space, taking up a valuable bed, one of them. Etc.

And then I’m feeling overwhelmed about going home. Folks know pretty much everything that I kept tightly hidden from them for months.

Controlled stripped from me.

Independence taken

my mum is going to be a nagger. She will make me eat at every meal. And yes I want to do the right thing and I want to get better, this has been a huge wake up call and shock for me. To know that my potassium levels were at a life threatening level, that’s scary. To know that I could of died. But then I’ve been so suicidal recently... but yes a wake up call.

The psych Dr suggested to my mum that she attend one of my psychologist appointment- not overly keen on that. And knowing my mum she will probably remind me of it. I’ve really connected with her and it’s my space.

Anxious about Christmas Day, the feast and all the food and the fact that everyone knows now. People watching.

And being in here I’m not overly ready. Hope my family understand. I’ll be writing a few IOU’s

sorry @Snowie that’s a lot!

You are not a nuisance nor a waste of space hun @Bow but I can understand how frustrated you would be especially if you had to ask 4 times to get something to help you sleep.

It must be hard having to ask to get unhooked every time you need to go to the toilet.

No doubt that your mum will watch over you. I know it is coming from a caring place and a place of love, but it would be difficult if she monitors your every food intake. I am glad however that you have someone caring to go home too, someone that loves you and wants to see you get better.

I wouldn't want my mother to come to a psych appointment with me either hun, so can understand your hesitation. I wouldn't even want H to come. It is our space where we can discuss. Perhaps you can make an agreement with her. That as long as you continue to improve she doesn't get to come to an appointment.

I can understand the anxiety over xmas. I have already started to put a plan in place of things I can do on the day if I get overwhelmed or too anxious. Perhaps that is something you can start planning for now.

Much love hun 💜💜

Thank you sweet @Snowie 🌸

I just had a visit from my pastors, they are like my second family, they bought me dinner in cause my brother got stuck at work.

So nice to be heard by them.

So good to see you getting all this much needed and very much deserved support @Bow 😊🙏💝

Hope you make it home tomorrow, as to be home for Christmas would be fantastic ... not just for you, but also your little girl and Mum. Your Mum obviously cares about you a great deal, as do your family of faith (pastor). Happy for you.

Emelia 💕

That was nice of them @Bow

I hope that lifted your spirits a bit.

Sometimes friends are like family 💜

Yes @Snowie @Emelia8 thanks

small wins today- I’ve eaten something at every meal today. First time in over 2 months. I’ve felt ill after each one today, but it will get easier eh.