Yeah and coming up to a crappy time of the year @Jynx
I tried journaling but I just don’t find it helpful. My SW lets me text her and I can text her like in the middle of the night when stuff is swirling around and she will get it when she gets to work in the morning. I texted her Thursday night but she must of been sick yesterday.
I wrote this while recovering….sorry it’s a bit long.
You might ask me a question and inside my brain I know exactly how I want to reply but all you get is this blank stare from me. I know the answer but I can’t find the right words. It’s like rummaging through my craft drawer for a particular piece of paper that will fit nicely with the piece I am making. But I can’t find it and that means I can’t finish it cause it just won’t look the same. Using the wrong word will give the answer a completely different meaning.
Sometimes when we’re talking I actually need time to remember things. To link things together. You might be talking about something and the cogs inside my brain start turning and more cogs start turning together but then you say something else and then all them cogs come to a grinding halt and all that information has gone. We’ve wasted a whole 10mins because I might not access my memories like you and I’m then left feeling frustrated. I often need time. Reflection. Processing.
When I see you, when I talk to you, I am often in a heightened state. I am stressed. I am anxious. I know perhaps that seeking help and being in therapy we should maybe eventually feel comfortable in the presence of the people providing that support. But that is not the case for me. Trust does not come easy. I’ve had so many changes in my support and also so many bad and unhelpful experiences. I am stressed and anxious that you are going to leave too, that you will not hear what I say, that you will invalidate and dismiss what I have just shared, that you will not understand, that you will not believe me or that you will lock me away. Feeling anxious about all that stuff makes the words more difficult to get out. They are trapped inside swirling around and around. But stuck.
Speaking hasn’t always been allowed. Things were done to me and I was always told to keep quiet. Threaten if I ever told anyone else. Growing up was often a very lonely and scary time cause I was treated as different, as the outcast and constantly told to be quiet. I didn’t get an opinion. Sharing my feelings was not allowed. Quiet and alone. My voice was taken away from me. Silenced. Nobody heard my voice. Nobody cared to hear my voice.
Sometimes my words don’t come out right. Sometimes I say words wrong or I’ll just say the completely wrong word. Sometimes I feel like I have a stutter. Or sometimes I’m simple not heard. I don’t have a loud voice and being unheard or constantly asked to repeat myself is frustrating. Why even bother? I don’t know what feels worse; being unheard/having to repeat myself or feeling like people just think you’re a snob or unsocial. And then there were the ones that joked, laughed and ridiculed me for being quiet.
I need to process things internally. Inside my brain. Words need to be put in the right order. That’s why being put on the spot is so uncomfortable for me. I not only need to meet your expectations of giving you an answer straight away, (and I know logically that’s not necessarily the case but when put on the spot logic goes out the window) but I also have to deal with that uncomfortable feeling of silence when I can’t give you what you need.
I’d truly love to be able to sit down with you and have a conversation that flows for hours. Where I didn’t feel like I had to dig deep into the very core of my brain to find the right words. But that’s just not how my brain works.
So sometimes I NEED to write. Sometimes it’s easier to write some words down just to communicate to you what I need to talk about today. It doesn’t mean all my words are written. It’s like a few written words unlock the box to being able to speak more freely. And there just might be days where I can’t manage either. And I need you to be ok with that. I’m in shut down mode and all my energy is in simply surviving.
