My Mosaic

@Bow *gets squished and giggles*

Yes, lots of loud and bright and not knowing and ugh!

I am going to go spend the day somewhere green tomorrow methinks!

How's your week been? Found a place? Packing nightmares?

Yes somewhere green sounds perfect @Jynx

same ol same ol week for me. I facilitated arts and craft Wednesday… with a SW. no one else showed up 😩 so disappointing. Put heaps of work into that one.

we inspected and applied for a house earlier in the week. They called and said our application was great, was just our ‘affordability’. They say your rent shouldn’t be anymore than 30% of your income. How can anyone afford rent in this rental market based on that?!

but we inspected 5 houses today. Applied for one just around the corner. Think we were the only ones to inspect, so fingers and toes crossed.

we got our garage sale tomorrow. Most stuff is packed. But I am so tired. Exhausting driving all over the place today inspecting houses, wearing a mask- smile happy make them remember you. And then they wanna know everything. They want copies of everything.

All on very minimal intake cause that dang ED monster inside me is super loud and relentless at the moment. That incident at arts and craft last week put me in a spiral.

@Bow yeah and very lush and maybe with a frog or two! 🐸

Ugh that all sounds so stressful!! Yes no wonder ED monster is loud, you would be feeling very out of control with this level of not-knowing with your housing! Please be extra gentle with yourself eh?

Does that mean you have a whole arts n crafts group pre-planned n ready to go? Maybe save it for a rainy day when you haven't energy to prep one!

What is on for you this weekend?

Oh some frogs would be fun @Jynx !

Yeah… ED monster and gentle don’t really go well together @Jynx but yes it is all feeling very out of control. It’s not a nice feeling be unsure where your next roof over your head is going to be. Especially when that looming date to be out of here is getting closer.

It’s a Mother’s Day card. So it kinda has time constraints on it. I did tell that SW that if I am available next week, and not moving house, that I could do it again this week.

just our garage sale tomorrow. Super early morning start 😩🥺😴😴😴😴

@Bow yes and ickle birds, and a creek!! Have you been out in nature lately?

Oh don't I know it hun, hence my encouraging the extra gentle to counteract the extra monstrousness! Buuuuut we do what we can do, eh? You have a LOT on your plate!

All my fingies and toesies are crossed for you finding a place hun!!

Ahh... yes that is a bit of a stickler haha see how you go! Got any mum's day plan? Spose be too hard to make plans right now hey!

Oooh hope you clear LOTS of stuff!

Does mowing the lawn count @Jynx 😂 no, I don’t get outside much to be honest. Which is not ideal, think it needs to change.

im so bone tired @Jynx it’s a new kind of tired beyond exhausted. I told mum yesterday that I just need a day to do not much. But I don’t see that anywhere on the horizon.

nah no Mother’s Day plans. Perhaps moving house??

@Bow honestly yes, mowing the lawn counts for something!! Buuuuut yes, going out into a nice patch of nature that's not your yard, and also not doing a chore, is a very good idea!!

You know, sometimes when I am out in the middle of nowhere, I feel a little like I'm coming back to myself. The loudness, the hustle and bustle, the constant demands for me to do stuff either from the system or from my own needs (laundry and dishes nightmare realm, amirite?!) - once all of that falls away, and it's just the sound of the birds and the wind in the trees, it all feels a lot calmer inside. So I really hope you get an opportunity to do the same soon! Perhaps your new abode will be near a nature reserve or something?

Oh yes you will have to maybe plan one day after moving (but before all boxes unpacked cos let's be real that takes months/years lol) to have a day of all being blobs on the couch together!! Let's hope you and your mum both get a new place as your mum's day gift eh?

I got all teary reading that @Jynx how you talked about things being calmer inside. Like is that even possible??? It’s real hard to imagine that happening at the moment.

I had my pdoc appointment on Tuesday, I don’t know if you seen my post, or if i tagged you in it. But I am reminded of my appointment and the conversation I had with my SW prior to. Where my SW sat for ages talking at me that this is my appointment and my chance to tell my pdoc what I want, want I need. Whenever I am asked that, all i can think about is the constant relentless noise inside my head and how I would absolutely love for it to be quiet. To calm. But I feel in the depths of my gut that that will never happen. That there is no magic cure for a loud noisy head. And that makes me real sad. Really really sad 😢

ya don’t wanna know the thoughts I have right now

@Bow I wish I could say that going out into nature would immediately soothe you hun, I know it would 100% help but I can't make a promise that the relief will be to the level you're probably craving. Please don't be discouraged though, in fact I wanna say that I think the smallest teensiest amount of relief that you could get is MOST IMPORTANT of all.

What I mean is that one of the kinda whacky things I've noticed about recovery is that the 'big relief' of 'everything being okay' isn't realistically attainable - certainly not from one afternoon in the forest. My recovery hasn't changed or reduced how many problems I have, it's me working on strengthenting all the little facets of mind, body, and soul, so that my baseline is now in a more grounded and empowered place when I approach these issues.

I still have meltdowns, panic attacks, flashbacks, and the occasional suicidal thought. But I'm not objectively miserable every day, and when these things do pop up, I can now remind myself that they won't kill me, that I can handle it, that it's okay to fall apart cos I now know how to put myself back together. Sometimes that means going out and crying like a banshee in the middle of the bush 😅

Cos one thing that strengthens body and soul for me the most, is nature. It helps me get out of mind, into body, and reminds me of my connection to nature that lives in my soul. So a big part of recovery has been ensuring I am going out into nature MINIMUM once a month. Cos no, one little trip to the woods won't heal me, but a hundred little trips to the woods in combination with all the other little things I'm doing? It helps. It ALL HELPS.

Should write a book called 'the little things' lol, it's been a big theme in my recovery, hence this very passionate response.

Please know I also send big hugs. I can't believe it's already nearly time for me to sign off, too 😶

You off to slumber soon too I hope?

You should totally write a book called ‘the little things- the little things that when done regularly and combined with all the other little things, aid in my recovery’. I’d read it. Or at least you could start a new thread @Jynx maybe others have little things that help them too.

Life is just so blinking busy and chaotic and I struggle to be able to think, focus and even remember what I should be doing to help myself.

I went off to sleep before your last message came through. Was tired. And then up stupid early this morning to set up for our garage sale. I pulled a muscle in my chest putting the marquee up and I been in so much pain ever since. It’s been a slow day disappointingly, will hold it again next Saturday if we are still here or not moving house.

hope you enjoy getting out in your green nature and that you found some frogs!