My Mosaic

Thank you @Snowie

Yes she goes back tomorrow. Is looking forward to it I think. I will appreciate the space, sad to say.

I see my psych in the morning and then doing a trip to ikea.

how are you doing?

My S and D went back today @Bow and I was happy for them to go back.

Even know I love them and loved having them home, it is nice to get that time back to yourself.

Sounds like you have a busy day tomorrow. I hope your psych visit helps hon and your trip to ikea is good. I love ikea but it is over an hour away from where I live so don't go there much.

I am just trying to take it hour by hour.

The school holidays have been very draining for me. I've loved the extra time with her but I'm just not in a good place to entertain all day... and all the words 😔

i need the courage to be honest with my psych tomorrow @Snowie today ive done some home work she set me, a bit of writing. Hopefully that's enough honesty and will open the door to talk about where I am at and the need for more frequent visits.

I like ikea too, it's about a 40min drive for us. I'm responsible for Mother's Day gifts at church this year and have an idea in my head, so going to source some supplies. Need to get in and give myself plenty of time to do it, for days when I just can't manage anything. Hmm last time I went to ikea I ended up in hospital for a week...

It is hard to have them at home all holidays hon, especially when we have to pretend like everything is ok all of the time. That is what I struggle with. At least when they are at school I can relax a little.

I hope you can be honest with your psych tomorrow @Bow It is hard to be that open with someone. Writing things down is easier then saying them out loud at times. More frequent visits would be good too.

That sounds lovely hon, that you are in charge of the mothers day gifts at your church. I am sure you will do a great job of them.

So my psych knows how bad my head is. She opened the opportunity for me to tell her how I have been since my last appointment straight away, didn't even need to give her the home work that I had completed- handed it to her at the end. She asked how I felt about an inpatient stay. I said no. It's not an option. She expressed her concern and asked why I don't want to go and I explained to her why. She is going to call the acute care team, I'm assuming community mental health and see what they say. Guess I'll be expecting a call from them at some point today. I'm on my psychs cancellation list for next week and have agreed that weekly appointments are best at the moment.
I struggled to find a lot of words today, just don't have the mental energy for anything. I'm tired. Tired of fighting this life.

@Bow It sounds like you had an intense session. It's understandable words are hard and you are feeling like you don't have the mental energy for anything today - sometimes for me it feels like being 'emotionally hungover".

I hope it helps to know that we are here on the forums for you offering you our support🌷

acute care team, aka, community mh called. i had hoped that my psych was referring to someone else when she mentioned them, i had hoped that they would be someone who actually cared. but nope, the same useless team that i have constantly been referred to and shown the door. i really have lost hope in the public health system. he asked if i had their number and if i would call if i needed to, i said maybe and he asked what would stop me,.... i didnt say why, but they are so unhelpful i just dont see the point.

today my psych asked me what keeps me going and i said my daughter is the only reason that i am still here, but some days it just doesnt cut it. she asked me what it is that i look forward to seeing my daughter do and i sat in that thought for a moment and this horrible scary feeling same over me that i dont see beyond many days. not because im so depressed that i cant see far into the future, but that i wont be here.

Hi @Bow, I'm sorry to hear that you haven't had good experiences with community MH- it should be helpful as a service, and I hope that it will become more helpful over time. Sending you lots of care in the meantime

I wonder if it could be helpful to think about what you might like to imagine your daughter doing? You might not be actively looking forward to certain things- but would anything make you happy to imagine her doing?

I'll check in with you by email too as I'm concerned for your wellbeing 💐

i dont know how to describe what i feel this morning.

yesterday was absolutely horrible.

I had my ladies church group in the morning, first week back from the school holidays and we normally just catch up over coffee etc and pray for each other. On the drive over there, one of the ladies that goes messaged everyone to let us know that she wasnt going to be there. this is the lady that is very judegmental and doesnt think before she speaks and is the reason that i do not share much of anything, especially my struggles. i have been wanting to share for ages, been wanting to try and break this shame around my ed, wanting more support. i thought that since she was not going to be there, then it would be an opportunity to share. but i didnt. the shame that i felt was too much. i sat silent.

My gp called shortly after i got home. she has been calling to check in with me since things have been siginiificantly harder the last couple of weeks. i have appreciated the check ins. she asked me if i had any thoughts to hurt myself and i actually was honest with her this time and said yes. but she replied with 'but you dont have a plan and wont do anything will you'. what was i suppose to say, felt like i have no other options other than to say no.

my mental health nurse came to visit in the afternoon. i hate that i have zero privacy. i swear my mum sat in the next room and listened the whole time. she would of heard that i have been self harming... my mh nurse actually asked to see my wounds, the first time ive shown anyone. she would of heard that i hadnt eaten for a while. she would of heard that i have alot of si thoughts and plans. my mh nurse discussed my medication alot, its obviously not helping and wants to see them changed, she is a nursing practitioner, so deals with meds alot. she actually spoke with my gp while she was here, but my gp doesnt want to change my meds, wants to leave that to my pdoc, which i understand, but i dont feel supported by him.

come dinner time, my mum mentioned me eating dinner, i said i want really hungry, i didnt want to eat. but she just cooked dinner and dished it up for me, i was angry. i wasnt in the mood for it. and then my d started. she often puts on a performance around dinner, not wanting to eat what is dished up, taking so long to eat and giving everyone attitude and being really rude. i did not want to be sitting there eating and i certainly did not want to deal with her too. i gave her many warnings before sending her to her room, to which she kept coming back out and getting in everyones face. i eventually gave up and just left the table. i could not deal with her and also my own issues too. i felt so broken. i was so upset. i hate myself. i hate the person that i have become. i hate that way that i parent and i cant do it anymore. i sat on my bed and cried alot, with my d coming in and getting in my face even more. she just would not leave me alone. *I used some unhealthy coping mechanisms*, i contemplated ending things. i was not safe last night with my meds and i still very much feel like i could do something.

ive asked for help, but noone wants to or can help me. i just dont know what else i can do. i feel so very alone. no one cares.

I'm sorry yesterday was so difficult for you hon. Please remember that you are not alone and we are here listening and supporting you.

Lots and lots of love and hugs sent your way.

💕💕💕💕