My Mosaic

Another day wasted away.

I popped into the shops briefly to get a couple of things after dropping daughter off at her fathers for the day.
crawled back into once I got home. Did a bit of craft but lost interest. Did a bit of Lego but again lost interest. Watched way too much tv.
comm mh called again. They called yesterday cause I didn’t make it in on Thursday. Had a semi decent conversation yesterday, but very brief today- never heard of the guy that called today. He said they’d call again tomorrow though.

hard to find reason to keep going when days are just spent lazing around doing absolutely nothing and feeling absolutely lousy

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@Bow wrote:

Ah Bali @rav3n! I vaguely recall you saying you were going on holiday but wasn’t sure and didn’t know where to. You must share some highlights next week, I’d love to hear about it.

Kitties are good, took them out to the shelter today for their vaccinations and have booked them in for desexing for 3 weeks time. So only have them for 3 more weeks now. Mr Groot is good, wanting to and trying to interact with kitties. D is good too

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hey @Bow hmm highlights let's see - coffee/tea taste testing! i love trying new drinks so this was a fun experience, and surprising all the different flavours (like avocado coffee, cocao coffee, rosella tea, mangosteen tea, etc) tasted pretty decent. drove ATVs which was super fun! watched a kecak (fire) dance which was pretty cool too. and everyone was just super nice in general. oh and we did some axe throwing which was random but fun... turns out i'm better at throwing the axe at everything but the target 😆 have you been Bali before??

aww sounds like time flies by so fast with the kitties! and sweet of Mr Groot to try interact with them, hope he doesn't end up missing the kitties too much when they're off. glad to hear D's good too, hope school's going okay for her! how are you?

Oh that all sounds fun @rav3n, especially the ATVs that would be heaps cool (we had friends when we lived in tassie who lived on a dairy farm and we would often go out and visit them. They of course had 4 wheelers and I was the oldest of all the kids so we’d pile all the kids on one and go riding along the country paths, the fields… and through an electric fence that I totally didn’t see! lol I felt so bad but it was no drama).

im not sure about all the fancy flavors of tea and coffee though. Do you normally like tea and coffee? Axe throwing! That’s fun, never done that before. No I’ve never been to Bali. To be honest not sure I wanna. Just too many bad stories. Did you feel safe and all?

looks like we’ll be having the kittens a little longer. One has a bug which takes a little while to clear and is a bit contagious between them all so all of them need to be treated as a precaution. Found out today so having the foster care coordinator dropping medication off this arvo.

how am I? Not ok. Fairly shit and crappy to be honest. I don’t know what the heck to do. Weekend was rough. Another day wasted on my bed today.

@Bow the electric fence!! omg haha glad y'all were okay!! definitely sounds like something i'd do 😋

i do like coffee and tea! i usually just stick to the basic tea flavours like peppermint, green, etc. and i love coffee - in the part of India that i'm from, there's coffee estates everywhere and it's a big part of our ethnic group. so i think that coffee/tea taste testing was extra fun for that reason. are you not a fan of coffee/tea?

yep axe throwing activities in Aus tend be more expensive, i think we paid about $10 pp there for a session but here it's usually $35+ pp. personally, the only 'bad' stuff i've heard is the bali belly part and the occasional street scams (which we encountered actually! but my sis was knew about the scam so she called it out and the ppl left). in my experience, i felt pretty safe and the people were really welcoming and kind. maybe we were lucky? not sure. there's LOTs of Aussies travelling there as well so sometimes i felt like i was just in Australia haha.

oh no!! hope the kitty feels better soon, and hopefully it doesn't spread to the others!! did you end up naming the kitties btw?

sorry to hear how rough its been for you bow. i know it may feel like staying in bed is a 'waste' but if it keeps you safe, it's not a waste at all. how can i support you tonight? would talking about what's been happening for you help? or we can talk about other topics? let me know what works for you, i'm sitting with you 💜

Nah I’m not a tea/coffee drinker @rav3n i mostly drink chai. I remember when we went to India many years ago we went to a tea plantation. Watched them pick the leaves and then turn it into tea. We bought a lot back to gift to people.

Yeah I’d imagine things are a lot cheaper in Bali. A lot of people post videos on socks media showing what ya can get for like $10 in Bali.

I don’t get to name the kitties, they already had names. Boq, Nessarose and Morrible.

Don’t really know what to say @rav3n my mood is very low to start with and I’m experiencing a lot of ptsd symptoms. Nightmares at night and flashbacks during the day. Often end up dissociating I feel very unsafe in my own body doesn’t feel nice at all.
not really sure what I am needing. I shut people out. Didn’t attend my psych appointment last week. Didn’t call my CM back. Didn’t return my SW call today. So ignoring people cause I don’t know how to talk about what is going. But I need my supports. I am very alone. I am scared. Scared of what is going on inside me head and body. I am afraid of myself. So I feel stupid.

ahh totally fair! and i loveeee chai as well - really cool you got to watch the process. i've seen the coffee process but not the tea one yet, will need to check it out next time i visit India @Bow

ooo yes i've seen similar videos too! getting nails done is also pretty much half price there, wish i got my nails done there instead.

aww cute love the wicked theme!!

sending you hugs @Bow 💗 i can hear how tiring and scary these experiences are, and i can understand that reaching out is difficult in times like this. you are NOT stupid at all. you are very much human, and you are not alone here. i've had times where i've isolated myself from others when i needed them most, it can sometimes feel like you're internally screaming for help and no one hears it. but just know that we do hear you, and we care heaps. you mentioned struggling to talk about it with your supports - do you reckon you could perhaps tell them what you've just told me?

I’ve told my supports what has been going on @rav3n i missed a psych appointment a couple of weeks back and it felt like I was being lectured about missing it. That I needed to be there the most at the moment. No one really respected that I was just doing what I needed to do in that moment to feel safe and secure. So I am again terrified of my psych appointment this week.

I actually managed to speak with my SW last week at length about what was going on. It felt like a helpful conversation considering things are still new with her.

A lot of the time I feel like a pain… a nuisance because things are still so bloody hard. Like there is nearly always something.

and it bloody pisse$ me off when comm mh call my mum! I missed a call cause I was eating dinner so they call my mum. It’s not like they haven’t been able to get in contact with me for days, I spoke to someone yesterday and on Saturday.

at the end of the day what can anyone actually do for me??? They can’t make my brain and body stop making me remember things I don’t want to remember. Only one real way to make it stop feels very appealing at the moment

i hear that, i can imagine it must be quite frustrating and upsetting when your support team doesn't realise that you were prioritising your safety by missing those appointments. i can understand why you'd feel terrified for the upcoming one @Bow just know that you are absolutely right in choosing your safety.

i wonder if maybe both your psych and comm mh's worry and concern for you is just not being communicated in a way that works for you? is it possible to provide feedback about those phone calls? i can imagine how disruptive it can be to get one of those calls while you're going about your day. even the sort of lecture from your psych - i know some people say it out of love and concern, but i'm one of those people who'd feel misunderstood and hurt by it too.

i know known of this is easy, and i think a part of the self-isolation comes from feeling like no one will 'get it' and be able to help. but sometimes we just don't know what that help looks like, and having someone sit with us, give us the space to share and just unload how we feel - can make a big difference. like how you spoke to SW (which i know could not have been easy so i hope you know how big that is), she might not have all the answers but she's there to listen and give you a shoulder to lean on.

i really wish i could wipe away all the pain, unfortunately i don't have that power. but i can sit with you. i'll listen to you. i'll give you my shoulder to lean on and remind you that things will get better. i don't have a timeline, but you 100% are worthy and deserving of support. is there anything that's been helping you stay safe tonight? even if it's just curling up in bed, every little step counts. would perhaps arranging a chat with your SW before the psych appt help? maybe talking to SW can help you feel a lil more ready to face the psych appt?

I just had some kitty snuggles @rav3n Boq is my favorite, his the only boy.

 I let them out around 7:30 and they went crazy last night. So expecting the same tonight.

I told my psych last time that I was just keeping myself safe…. People don’t seem to understand that. Like if I’m way outside my window of tolerance is it wise to go to a place that’s gonna make it 10x worse. Some days it doesn’t matter what I do…. I can’t get myself back into a safer place in my window of tolerance. I just NEED to stay home. I need them to understand that.

I’d really like to discuss with them calling my mum. Like I’m what situation is it appropriate. If you can’t get hold of me for one day is not sufficient concerned to call my mum.

I often struggle with words @rav3n like verbally saying things. I just can’t find the words, or struggle to get them out. I often prefer to write stuff down. And it works well with some of my supports…. But my psych and CM is against. Which sometimes turns me off them, off therapy. There are some parts of what I have experienced that I simply can not say. It’s too hard. I’ve tried. And if they aren’t going to let me write stuff down in a way that is going to be helpful and allow me to somehow process stuff and work with them…. Then why? Why bother? If I’m not comfortable in being able to share my story and my truths in a way that is safe for me then how can I work through it??

I’m watching some tv at the moment on the couch. Gonna go back to my room once this show is over. Survivor starts tonight which I am excited about. And I let the kitty’s out to play.
My SW will no doubt call tomorrow morning. I have a day at home tomorrow maybe she will have time for a home visit. So much dread though