Afternoon @Snowie thanks for stopping by. Kinda needing that at the moment.
I had my schema group today. It was a hard one. We each do a check in at the beginning and I shared about my current drama with my medication and how the perfectionist over controller has latched onto controlling the one thing I feel like I can control at the moment and that is my intake and exercise. And I mentioned that the inner critic has got loud around ‘no body caring’, ‘you don’t deserve help and support’ and ‘see it’s happened again, it’s all your fault’.
After everyone shared, we were gonna continue our work on addressing the inner critic and they wanted to use me and my experiences as the example this week. I agreed, but wish I didn’t now.
I found it extremely difficult being in that position. Verbalising more and speaking with firmness and volume. I am always very softly spoken. But they kept challenging me. And every time they would speak from the healthy adult point of view, the inner critic would just throw more words back. And it just went back and forth for ages. How long were they gonna keep doing it? Am I suppose to keep going until something shifts inside??? I eventually paused for a while. It kinda felt like the inner critic took a tiny step back. The facilitators then push the chair back a little (forgot to mention this was chair work and there was the cardboard picture of our critic with all the words on it on the chair). They all gave the chair a shove, pushed the piece of cardboard and it folded in half and then they all decided that the chair and cardboard was best put outside.
It’s really hard to hear words and phrases that are so very foreign and things that are completely opposite to what you have heard all your life. It’s confusing. Who do you believe? Who do you trust?
I’m feeling really vulnerable this afternoon. Raw.
And then, on my walk back to my car I park at a shopping centre. I got to the travelator and there was an old man with a walking stick. He stopped me and asked if I would help him step on. I thought sure, I’ll do my good duty. He grabbed my hand and he held so tight. We got on and he wanted to keep holding and help him get off at the bottom. I was feeling rather uncomfortable, but continued to help him. At the bottom I was very eager to have him let my hand go, but he went in to kiss my hand. I quickly pulled away but he held tight and he kissed my hand. I very much wanted out of there and I pulled but no, he pulled me in and I said no no no no repeatedly, I kept pulling away, but he managed to kiss my cheek. I was really not ok with this. I get that he appreciated my help, but no. I pulled away and ran to my car. Urgh.
I tried to do something nice and he totally invades my personal space. No means no.
