My Mosaic

---

@Bow wrote:

@Jynx Went to a Lego store today and thought of you!

 

---

You're teasing me Bow!! I want that set soooooo bad but I just need to quickly win half a grand in the lottery first 😵😅

Haha how you doing today poppet? Haven't caught up on everything yet - how was your weekend?

Lego is so expensive eh @Jynx ?!

Just got home from my schema group and have crawled under a blanket. When we do our weekly check in which we have been doing for ages, (we share times where we have been aware of modes popping up) and we talk through it a bit. But the last couple of sessions they are really bringing up the vulnerable child and asking us what they needed in that moment. And oh my gosh, I just struggle with it so much yeah. They got a poster with pics of all of us as a kid that they stick on the wall…. They point to it and ask what does little bow need? And I just can’t look at it. They said my demeanor changes heaps.
Then I stupidly shared the picture I did (with the words in the background and the person hugging them self?) Urgh made it so much more difficult to sit with. I wanted out of that room. Ended up dissociating a bit.
Then my SW is away today so I wasn’t able to call her after group. She told me to call one of the other SW but that feels too hard this arvo.

weekend was okish. D’s birthday on Saturday. Sunday we had market.

how was your weekend?

@Bow sounds like it is really tough for you to be able to connect with Little Bow. I wonder, is it that you're afraid of what Little Bow would think of you?

Ach but perhaps that is a question to unpack with a therapist huh, so you don't end up feeling extra ooky this arvo!! I think you're very much allowed to just focus on the basics, and bringing yourself back into connection (is it... do we just... is it just called being 'associated'? hahaha).

Did you pick up any new Lego sets or did your wallet say no? Aww little D's bday, how was that?

My weekend was pretty nice!! Little bit ouchy - I decided to spontaneously get a new piercing haha, got a double helix!! One of my very dear friends has been training to be a piercer so I got a massive discount cos he was 'training' on me! He was very excited to stab me hahaha. So now I'm playing the super fun game of 'don't forget you have two brand new holes in ya head!' and failing miserably - e.g. this morning I was overheating, went to rip my hoodie off, snagged the bar.... cue big ouch! Definitely made my eyes water 😅

Yeah maybe a little bit of that…. But also I just know that little bow holds onto so much yucky stuff @Jynx lota trauma and sadness. Too terrified to connect with her and open all that up

Came out from under my blanket to vacuum my room. Clutter and mess stressing me out at the moment.

yes, I got new Lego! Even though I probably shouldn’t have. Got the new Disney set and also one of the Christmas plants. D got one set as a birthday gift and cause we spent a certain amount, we got a free Halloween pumpkin set that lights up.

D had a good day. Pancakes for breakfast. Then went to her fathers for half the day. Then we went to a street festival in the evening. Lotsa free fun… rides- D wouldn’t go on any though! Had her face painted though, some glitter art done, we had our photo taken for a free cookie, which was amazing! There was a world record attempt, outdoor cinema and heaps of other stuff but we didn’t stay late.

oh piercings! That’s cool. And double cool that it was mates rates! Piercings can be expensive. I got D’s first ones done, my third lobe and a flat helix and I was a bit taken back by how much it cost! But I want more!! And ouch for getting it caught on stuff. Cartledge ones hurt and take ages to heal.

@Bow then perhaps, in and of itself, this inability to connect with her is something you are learning/can take away from the group. As in, would you say this group has given you some insight into an avenue for future recovery efforts - healing your inner child?

Aww I hope it left you feeling satisfied? Stress-cleaning can be a roll o the dice for me, either I wind up feeling loads better, or I get myself into a tissy cos I can't finish/get the thing shiny enough/got distracted and missed a big chunk but have no energy left... 😅

Ooh a Christmas plant! Wait is it like, holly or something? Or a full on xmas tree?

Oh whaaaat that sounds like a WHOLE GOSH DARN ADVENTURE!! Aww how wholesome it sounds like she had a wicked time! Oh what world record was attempted? Sounds like it wasn't successful 😅

Yeah pretty stoked for the mates rates haha esp cos it is a double! Oh nice you have a helix piercing too!! How long did yours take to heal? I'm kinda glad I was spontaneous cos if someone had told me prior it might take 6 months to heal (and thus I'd have to sleep on only one side for six months) I might have hesitated 😂

Oh yeap, I think it will be something that I will need to work on in the future @Jynx i started that exposure therapy with my old psych, but then she left and I kinda slammed the lid on doing any trauma work. Not at all keen to open the lid and start it and risking another therapist leave again. Nope.

yeah I usually feel satisfied after vacuuming my room. Dark coloured carpet and cat fluff don’t go well. I swear they must just roll around in my room and de-fluff themselves.
but I totally get the stress cleaning… or any cleaning really! lol have big visions and sometimes wide up running out of steam and not finishing… or the big pile of STUFF that I need to find somewhere to put, or to take to vinnies. Urgh.

a Christmas poinsettia! It looks so christmasy they did release a new Christmas wreath too, but it was more expensive.

The world record attempt, probably can’t say what it was cause people could google it. But it was very long and food. And they did it. They broke their previous record.

I have a few helix piercings. My recent one took a good 6mths plus to heal. But once the initial soreness wore off I slept on it. When I was younger I had a friend get a piercing gun off eBay and we would piece each other, one of them being a helix. Since learnt that using a gun on anything but your lobes is so bad. That one took years to heal. I’ve got my tragus and daith too, and my belly button lol. Me and my cousin got our belly buttons done together when we were 18. I took mine out when I had my ovarian cancer cause I was having so many scans and surgeries. I then re-pierced it myself last year. 12 all together! And I want more

@Bow aye you've just hit the nail on the head as to why we gotta be sooooo careful when we go to unpack things!! You could potentially flag that as a goal with your therapist though? To 'get to a point where the therapeutic relationship is solid enough for Bow to feel safe to start unpacking trauma' is something worth working towards in my mind!!

Haha you and my sister would get along, she stress cleans like no tomorrow!! I wish I got the 'stress-cleaning' trauma instead of the 'stress-eating' trauma. You got hella unlucky and got the 'stress-not-eating' AND the 'stress-cleaning' trauma by the sounds of it!

(PS please always tell me if my 'gallows humour', i.e. the above, is in poor taste! I make little joke, but don't want to make light of anyone's trauma. Just throwing it out there).

Oh it's so pretty!! Yeah I can imagine already a wreath would look so cool but be extra pricey!!! Can't wait to see it. How's your lego shelf looking these days?

Hahaha tbh that is much funnier than just hearing what it is. My brain is coming up with all sorts of silly, dirty, and weird things from the descriptor of 'very long food' 🤣

Oh that's so cool! Well maybe not the silly use of the piercing gun, although we've all been young and dumb before!! Haha and you do have a gnarly story from it too!

Can't believe you can do your own piercings 😲 My pain threshhold is sooooo low, and I have an overactive shock response, so I think if I tried to do that I would just immediately pass out 😂

What's your next piercing?! Got any planned or just in contemplation stage rn? Fun fact I also have tunnels too, my right ear is staying at 2g (6mm) but I wanna push lefty out to 00g (10mm) so I can wear really pretty plugs, like these!

I think something pretty significant would need to happen for me to feel ready to delve into any trauma again @Jynx and I know I shouldn’t view it like that, but it is what it is. That lid was shut very tight. My current psych mentioned the work that I had started with my old one and said that maybe at some point we could pick it up again and I wanted to back peddle so quick and get out of that room. Can ya have trauma from working on trauma???

haha yep I got them both! I could definitely clean more though! I hate clutter…. But mum is a bit of a hoarder and has lotsa stuff. I’d love to clean, sort and throw stuff out, but I can’t. Cause it’s not just my place. But my spaces, they are tidy, everything has its place and it absolutely stresses me out when it’s untidy. And it messes with my head cause my Lego addiction brings with it clutter! It’s like a love hate relationship.

my Lego shelf is… full. I’m currently doing a little mermaid clam shell set. It’s rather big. And I have absolutely no idea where I will put it. I’ll have to take an updated photo of all my Lego. Maybe tomorrow in the light.

haha 🤣 I wrote the ‘long’….. and thought of gosh I need add more words cause that sounds bad! The food was dished up over 120m long tables.

yep, I actually have a piercing kit in the draw that I got with every intention of doing my fourth lobe but I have since decided that I’m not sure if I have room for a fourth without needing to actually do it with a needle instead. I got it off Temu.
im not sure which piercing is next. I want more upper lobes and helix and a forward helix too. I just want more ear piercings! I really like the look of all the small silver studs. And I’ve been contemplating my nose too. Think my mum would be mortified though!

oh my brother stretches his ears. It looks painful!

---

@Bow wrote:

Can ya have trauma from working on trauma???

---

Yeah you absolutely can hun, it's not just you by any stretch!! If you wanna read about retraumatisation there's an article here, I also found this rando guy's blog from a quick Google search and I think this paragraph is worth you reading (if that link doesn't go to the correct spot, try this link and just scroll down till you find the paragraph titled "Narrative & Experiential Retraumatization").

But yeah basically, the idea that there is only one way to heal from trauma, and that way is to constantly re-live it by re-telling it, is a very Western idea. It does work!! Talk therapy is a totally valid and incredibly effective treatment for most people. But for some people, it simply isn't gonna work that way for them!! So legitimately people can recover by doing all sorts of things, like art, connecting to spirituality, by doing community work, teaching, travelling, finding new community, all sorts of things!! If the end result is still the same, why does it matter how we get there?

LOL just picturing you standing over a lego mess with a vacuum, just absolutely sweating bullets about whether to 'clean up' the mess or not 🤣 For real tho unless you actually have a dedicated space and time for it, building Lego leaves a big mess!!

Oooh would you do nostril or septum? I used to have a septum piercing!! It was in at a bit of a funny angle though, and after like 2 years I got sick of the constant irritation so it's gone now.

Funnily enough, stretching hurts a lot less than piercing.... in fact if you do it right, there should be very little pain at all!! Discomfort yes, but every guide I've read says that if it hurts really bad, it's not ready to stretch!! It's taken me 6 years to get to this size - which is actually aaaages to some folks who only wait like a month or two before they go up a size! I prefer to wait at least 6 months between stretches so the skin isn't 'new' when you go to stretch it again!

Those links… haven’t read them in full, but what I did read, really makes sense @Jynx I like what you said at the end there, if the end result is the same, why should it matter how we get there. And yeah, healing or recovery is gonna look different for everyone. Oh to not have to do it at all though.

yep, Lego can be messy! D’s room is forever messy with Lego. She drops bits on the floor and doesn’t pick it up, bits fall of her desk and she really doesn’t care. When I clean up I do try and pick them up, but honestly some of it goes up the vacuum cause I get so over it! I have a couple of shallow boxes that I tip my Lego in while working on it. That way I can hopefully keep it all together and not lose any.

just the nostril! I couldn’t do the spectrum. And just a very small stud.
It would make sense to stretch them slowly for sure. I’ve seen some really big stretched ears and I’m like how is there any skin left to hold that in place???