My Mosaic

Haha @Bow now I'm just picturing the whole forums as a stage performance and when I'm backstage it's me practicing like an actor warming up before a show, like

"Mee mee mee mee..... sitting with you...SITTING with you....sitting WITH you... no no hang on .... sitting with YOU yeah that's it.... mee moo maa mee moooooo... okay.... SHOWTIME" 😂😂

Anyway... ahem. Hi! How you doing? 😅

Yeah unfortunately @rav3n my experience with it has been rather intense, unpacking a lot of stuff and yeah. Doesn’t help that I generally haven’t been in the best place lately and it’s simply an effort to even get there.

oh yeah, sleep schedules are important.

Haha yes, I did wonder whether backstage was the right word to type @Jynx but it’s what came out!

im fairly worn out and feeling a bit fragile after schema group this arvo.
We always start with this check in and talk about incidents where modes and schemas have been present, it’s a whole process and takes half the time.
I really wasn’t sure what I was going to share today cause things have been so chaotic lately and while yes I have been aware of modes and schemas, fighting to keep myself alive has been a priority. But I shared stuff, my old psych/group facilitator knew about what happened last week, but I wasn’t sure whether it was appropriate to bring up in group, so I kinda talked around it.
But I mentioned that someone from comm mh had called me on Monday about something and then asked if I was ok. I said no. They asked if there was anything they could help with and I replied I don’t know. And then they left it at that.
I talked in group today how I felt let down, dismissed, disappointed, that that person didn’t follow up anymore. That it took a lot to actually say that I was not ok. That the inner critic then went on rampage… see people don’t care, you don’t matter, they don’t want t help.
And then Monday night happened.

I was asked to stay behind after group today, I was worried, what had I done?! But both the facilitators agreed in the very brief break that we had, that I have every right to lodge a complaint about that phone call. My psych actually apologized initially cause she called me Monday too and she felt bad. I told her she had nothing to apologize for. But that that other person should have followed up more. She wasn’t some random stranger, she would have know me and my case, she would have know about my recent increased SI. That cause I had said that I was not ok she should have at least done some kind of safety check.
The facilitators gave me the rights and responsibility brochure and encouraged me to think about it.

I also mentioned to them the lack of support since my discharge.

sigh. It was a lot to take in…. And after an already intense group session. Sorry it’s so long! Just wanna unload and stuff. Already told my SW that I wanna talk to her about something (this) tomorrow when she comes to visit.

oh…. And I wanna show you a colouring book I got. Have to take some pics of it for you.

@Bow no no I love it! Now here I am centrestage I guess? Er... tada! 🤣

Ach, wow darlin' no wonder you're worn out!! What a doozy of a day. I am really glad that your group facilitators are so caring! Going above and beyond like that, amazing. Do you think you will lodge a complaint? I imagine it would be a pretty tiring process but it's definitely not ok to be dismissed like that!

Ooh yes yes yes please!! New colouring book, yeeewww!!

It must kinda feel like ‘thank god your here’ @Jynx cause you walk into a thread (centre stage) and you never know what your gonna get!

I really don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll talk it through with my SW tomorrow morning (hopefully it doesn’t make her feel bad cause I had a phone call with her Monday too. I guess it just needs to be the right person at the right time to ask the right questions?? . I genuinely don’t want people to get into trouble hey, but it could have prevented something from happening. And I do feel really unsupported by the team at the moment.

I think that is definitely something to address @Bow - that you've been feeling unsupported! Maybe have a think back to the phone call you had with your SW on Monday and reflect on whether there was anything that she could've done differently. Or maybe this particular call you know you didn't say anything that would tip her off to how bad things have gotten, so there isn't anything she needs to worry about.

And think also... maybe those people OUGHT to get in trouble! Otherwise how else will they learn? Should they be allowed to continue supporting other vulnerable people when it's clear they are okay with ignoring safety concerns?

@Jynx I briefly talked to the facilitator today about how sometimes I feeel very dismissed cause of the way that I present- and that I feel this way in particular about my case manager. Cause sometimes I might share a small snippet of what’s going on or how I am feeling… guess I am testing the waters, but cause I get dismissed and it doesn’t feel safe to share anymore people don’t get the full picture.

with my CM, I’ve never known when she actually works cause she works shifts and weekends, and I don’t have her mobile number so I can’t flick her a quick text to see if she’s working. So it doesn’t feel as easy for r safe to call the centre to ask for her. Or to have to explain myself to someone else. So I don’t call unless it’s an absolute emergency. So when she tells me she is cutting we her hours back to go work on the youth team 2 days a week…. And she makes the comment ‘this won’t affect you much’. It felt like she was saying it won’t affect you cause you don’t need me much, we have our pre booked fortnightly appointment and that’s it. My old CM, although towards the end she was useless, I knew when she was around, I could text and call her mobile and she was available. I don’t know if any of that makes sense. Or if I’m just rambling. But it’s how I don’t feel supported. I was discharged from hospital on Wednesday after a serious attempt, CM came to visit a prebooked on Thursday and I’ve had zero connect since. Fuck I tried to off myself and it feels like no one cares. I can’t remember the word she used, but it was a ‘little oops’. Sigh 😩

anyways.

warning, following images contain swearing.

just catching up @Bow - sharing how you dismissed you felt is such a big step!!! so proud of you for opening up to your facilitator about it!!!

you're not rambling at all - that makes perfect sense, not knowing your CM's number + availability and not having that open line to communicate with her would definitely make it harder to reach out to her - how do you reach out to each other at the moment? would you feel comfortable asking for her contact and availability? (even though she probably should've offered it much earlier).

you deserve to feel seen and heard @Bow sucks this has happened, really hoping your next visit with CM works out better.

HAHA LOVE how sassy the cat colouring book quotes are 😂

@Bow hun, it really sounds like they have not just dropped the ball, they yeeted the ball into outer space. This is your LIFE we're talking about! Nearly dying is not a 'little woopsie' or whatever it was she said. Heck, I'd be taking this all the way to the top if it were me.

Aww bahaha those kitties are amazing!! The food dish one lol SO true!!

Thanks @Jynx @rav3n It’s…. Comforting and reassuring to feel seen and heard by you both. I feel like such a nuisance and a burden to everyone. And to have my words and experiences make sense is helpful. I always appreciate that I have this safe space to come word vomit and I guess practice what I need to say irl.