My Mosaic

I seen my psych today. I really didn’t even want to be there. I didn’t wanna do schema work, I didn’t wanna do chair work, I went in and said I needed help keeping myself safe cause my SI is out of control and I told her some of the things that I have been thinking and planning.

she wrote stuff down. I noticed she wrote ‘vague’. Why would she write that? What did it mean?

we talked about some of the things that I already do…. Taking my meds early, staying near people, keeping busy, avoid certain shops, stay home, call certain people.

that’s it. I don’t know what I was expecting, but none of that is new. It’s nothing that I’m not already doing.

im angry and frustrated. I was heaps vulnerable with what I shared and with what I said I needed today and I walked away with nothing.

Hiya @Bow

I'm sorry to hear that it felt like a pointless exercise for you today, that's super frustrating. I'm hearing that they've encouraged you to keep going back to your safety plan, but it sounds like you were looking for something more? What do you feel you're needing at the moment?

I don’t even bloody know @Jynx maybe a magic wand or a magic pill???? Something new that’s gonna help, but that doesn’t even exist does it??? I honestly thought that she would have something… I thought that if I was honest, she would help.
was I too vague??? Is that why she wrote it down?? Was I not clear enough? Did she not believe me? Do I need to be absolutely clear how much I do not wanna be here. That I want to unalive

@Bow I mean... I dunno about 'magic' pills but in terms of things you haven't tried yet, have you ever considered psychedelic assisted therapy? MDMA and psilocybin have recently been resheduled to be able to be administered by a psychiatrist and used in a guided therapeutic session - if you're curious, you can find more info here, or I can also talk your ear off about it (I did a short course in PAT couple years ago).

Hmm can't say for sure of course, but maybe? I am really sensing just how dire things are feeling for you at the moment hun. Where are you on the scale you reckon?

I don’t know about that psychedelic stuff @Jynx had a Quick Look at that website.. but didn’t see…. What actually are they giving people?? I’m already on a long list of potent meds.

hmmm… I’m a mix of 7 and 8

@Bow Yeah totally fair to be hesistant, it looks like if you wanna find out more about treatments, there seems to be a contact form near the bottom of this page. They use either MDMA (which primarily acts on the serotonin receptors, and is really good for working through relational trauma) or psilocybin (more psychedelic, great for working through identity and stuff). There's a lengthy preparation process, you wouldn't just be rocking up one day and taking the medicine, there's sessions prior so that you can build a relationship with the therapist and figure out what you'd want to work on. The actual session would go for the whole day/maybe overnight, to ensure that you're safe and able to return home without feeling too whacky. They then also do the processing part over a bunch of sessions to help you to consolidate and integrate the psychedelic experience. I've heard it said that one session of psychedelics can be like 6 months worth of therapy.

I'm not here to tell you that this is the answer, but considering how stuck you've been feeling, might at least be worth getting in touch with them?

Hmm 7 or 8 eh? That's rough darlin, has it been creeping upwards as well?

It sounds pretty intense @Jynx and I’d guess not cheap? Wonder if my usual pdoc knows much about it, he seems to know his stuff and appears pretty up to date with things. His away at the moment, another month or so.
Yeah it’s been creeping up, it jumps up to a 9 sometimes. I told my psych things today. Maybe I was too vague.

@Bow Yeah I mean, I think intensity is the point. Not in terms of overwhelming us, but in terms of it being a really potent intervention. These substances have the power to increase neuroplasticity by a huge amount, making them great catalysts for change.

Yeah that's concerning hey, thanks for being open with me hun. Do you have things in your safety plan that are suitable for those moments when you might reach a 9?

Sending you some huggles darlin 🫂🫂

@Jynx That sounds…. Complicated… the neuroplasticities?

Hmmm I guess just calling someone? That’s pretty hard at times though.

I finished my kittie painting this arvo too. Annoyed that the creases are still in it. Not sure whether ironing it would ruin it or not.

my ginger boy is doing better today also. Actually waiting for a call from the vet for another update tonight.

@Bow Oh! Neuroplasticity is basically a term for the fact that our brains are flexible and can be 're-wired' - i.e. a reorganisation of the structures, leading to changes in how it functions, and in our thinking and behavioural patterns. In other words, psychedelics improve the brain's potential for change.

Yeah I feel you, making phone calls does suck. I try to remind myself that it is never as bad as my brain thinks it will be when I'm actually on the call, it's just a matter of getting past that internal resistance enough to kick start the process.

How about stuff like Lifeline or SCBS online chat services, have they served you any better in the past?

KITTIES!! OH I LOVE THEM 😻

Hmm... super low iron setting, with a thick teatowel in between? Would depend on the type of materials and paint I suppose. Other option might be to shove it between a couple of heavy books, and pile more heavy things on top to compress it.