My Mosaic

Hi @Bow

Hoping today is going ok for you, with the anniversary of your step dad.

Sending lots of love 💗💗

If I don't speak to you, enjoy the Indian food!

Hi @Bow , thinking of you lots today ❤️

How to deal with the terrible guilt of feeling such strong SI on a day like today

Hey there hun,

Sounds like this has really got you down!

Do you think the guilt or the SI is bringing you down more?

Hugs to you.

SI @tyme I’m already pretty low. And I think I failed to communicate that to my gp today.
and it’s the weekend now @tyme

Please don't think you are a failure or that you 'shouldn't' have these thoughts. I think i've mentioned to you in the past that with my BPD, my SI is chronic. I used to feel guilty and 'wrong' because the SI was so loud. Upon working with my psych, he said it's okay.

Of course I didn't feel okay. But through the work, I was able to accept these thoughts. Gradually, they became less LOUD. Nowadays, they are there, but let's just say they are in the background.

We accept you for who you are. Allow yourself to accept yourself hun.

We care @Bow

Besides your GP appt, what else did you get up to?

It’s so hard when it’s so chronic @tyme all the time, day in day out. If it’s not my ED that is right there forefront of everything, then it’s the SI…. And then sometimes the ED stuff just leads to the SI.

its relentless, it’s frustrating. And how do people that are suppose to be supporting me deal with that??? ‘Oh she’s always like this she won’t do anything’. But I have done things. Serious things. Things that have ended up with me in icu. It’s been hard pushing those SI thoughts to the side today knowing that it’s a year since my step dad passed today. The guilts. Selfishness. Eats at me today. Doesn’t stop them though.

my gp appointment went just like I thought it would. She didn’t wanna wean me from off meds that she didn’t put me on. She had no communication from the fill in pdoc and thinks he shouldn’t be touching my meds when my pdoc will be back in a couple of months. I agree completely with her.
I tried telling her how low I was…. But she kept cutting me off. So I couldn’t be completely honest with her.

Indian for dinner was nice. It’s exhausting entertaining people though…. Even family. So it was such a relief when they finally left. We have cleaned up and I’m about ready to crawl into bed.

hey @Bow i'm so sorry you've been spoken to in that way by people who were supposed to care for you. nobody deserves to be spoken to like that. i see that with anniversary of your step dad passing has definitely added to those heavy emotions, totally makes sense that you're feeling relief after they left.

hopefully when your regular pdoc is back, the meds issue can get cleared up and perhaps you'll get another opportunity to tell them how you've been feeling without being cut off this time.

i hope you get a good night's sleep, fingers crossed that rest can boost some of that energy back up for you ✨

Hey @Bow how's it goin?