TW- SA
Around this time of the year every year my whole world falls apart all over again. I don’t wanna remember. I don’t wanna feel. I don’t wanna think about it. But my mind and my body doesn’t give me a choice. It forces me to remember. It forces me to feel it all over again. And it makes me think about that day, about that week that followed.
It should have been a happy time. My little brother was born. But his birthday every year is not a time of celebration for me- which makes me feel like a horrible sister. It’s a time where I am made to remember how totally evil my step dad was. No one knew until that day what he was capable of. There were no signs. Fuvk, I hate saying it but he was a great step dad. Until this day. Until this week. Then everything change. And it was never the same again. I’d never be able to look him in the face again. I’d never be able to feel safe again around him. He was pure evil.
That day. That week that followed while mum was in hospital with my premmie brother, he SA me. He destroyed me. Broke me.
Then mum came home and everything went back to normal. Or as normal as it could. He never said anything. I never said anything. But that little girl was never the same again.
It’s my brothers birthday on Wednesday. I struggle every year to acknowledge and celebrate his birth when it represents something completely different to me. Something so painful.
I missed my psychologist appointment yesterday, and I now have to wait another fortnight.
im feeling heaps vulnerable and on edge and my SH and SI is on the increase 😩
