My Mosaic

@Bow aww hun, would some squishie huggles help? Sending em to ya, a very big pile!

🫂💜🫂

Did you wanna talk more about comm mh, or prefer some distracty chats?

Wow, more photos - what a dazzling collection! Is that Tiana and Naveen in the first pic? And the little Merida and little Moana are soooooo cute! Yes... mayhaps small scale Disney Princess Castle Battles would be a bit destructive to all the hours you've obviously put into building all this!

Just been another shitty day @Jynx worse than yesterday/last night. Spiral just keeps going down and down. I admitted to my SW of some things that I had purchased over the counter, which she later came and removed. But she also informed comm mh. Maybe they won’t call or visit. Maybe they won’t care.

my SW asked more questions. Asked if I was fibbing…. That’s the first time she’s ever said that. Honesty is hard though.

it’s all just a mess @Jynx things are not getting better. Just going south more and more.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow which I am dreading. Bloods in the morning too.

@Bow even if comm mh don't call or visit, it's not cos they don't care, It'd be cos they're woefully understaffed and underfunded. But you definitely have a bundle of folks who do care about you, very deeply.

How did it feel to be asked if you were fibbing? Yeah agreed, it really sucks that we feel we can't be honest with those meant to be our supports, for sure.

Mm so big day tomorrow. Are you dreading the psych appt because of the same sort of reason, being concerned about being open about how you're feeling?

Yeah I guess about comm mh @Jynx my pdoc asked that they increase their contact over the coming week… it hasn’t really happened.

It was a bit confronting I guess. Cause I have been. All the time. And yeah it is hard, cause ya know what will happen if you do tell the truth, but it’s this safety feeling having stuff. That ‘just in case’. Every appointment I attend with my SW and she confirms with the dr or whoever that I have been honest with her and I feel so much guilt. So much guilt. Cause apart from that I am generally an honest person. And I really value and appreciate my SW. Sigh. It’s shit. It sucks. I hate it.

I think I’ve been struggling with attending my psych appointment for a couple of sessions. I feel like im able to open up a little bit with her. Be a bit honest. But I still struggle with being comfortable with her. It’s still that connection thing I think. Just frustrated with the whole thing. She’s not the same. She won’t read stuff that I write… or is very hesitant to do so. And I feel like I haven’t really got anywhere with her yet and it’s been nearly a year. I guess that’s partly cause we are just putting out spot fires all the time. And yeah, she’ll probably know about what’s been going on. She’s probably ask me questions that I’ll struggle to be honest about.

@Bow ach, that is frustrating. When do you see pdoc next, could you ask for another word to be put in, really highlight how much you're in need of some extra support?

Fibbing as part of survival does not diminish the integrity of honesty you carry in your life otherwise. I agree - it does suck. It sucks to feel the need to lie and it sucks to not have control and agency over yourself. I wish I could change things; I think we all do. You have made it through all the previous times you've been in this place, and I believe you will do so again hun. I'm rootin' for ya!

That sucks about your psych, it really does make a huge difference ay, having someone with whom we're comfortable. You could always name it - let her know you're not feeling that sense of safety and connection, and that you don't think it's necessarily helpful long-term for you to just be focusing on spot-fires (maybe shift the spot-fire-dousing to a diff support person?). And if you feel hesitant to be blunt like that, or worried about her feelings, well, I think a psych is actually someone we can be completely blunt with, because it's not an equally reciprocal relationship to begin with! We're literally paying them (or the govt is) to support our healing, and we ought to be able to be very open about what's not working. At least then you're on the same page, and things will shift. Also, putting on my therapist hat for a moment - we're not mind-readers, and if our clients don't tell us something needs to change, it probably won't. Very short tale example - I had a client once, we did 12 sessions then had a review at the end, and in the review she told me she wasn't too happy about the therapeutic process and wished we'd done a few things differently. All I could think was, 'where was this info in session 3? Or 7? Or even 11? Ach... I digress. Sorry about the wall of text.

Maybe write stuff down anyway? I know it's a much easier way for you to communicate. And if she's hesitant to read it, you're allowed to say 'This is a preferred form of communication for me. I'd really like you to take the time to read this so that I am able to be honest with you. It would mean a lot to me if you could do this more often.' Or something.

I see my pdoc again for a very brief review on Thursday. My SW is off again, so someone else will come with me @Jynx not sure if my CM will be available. I did this same thing with purchasing things last week and I think that’s why he wanted the team to check in with me more often. But it hasn’t really happened. Even my SE said that the team has stepped back recently and it obvious that I’m not ok. Don’t know if I can mention it again… maybe he will already know? I don’t know.

I worry… get scared, that things are just getting worse and worse though. Yeah I mighta made it through bad times before. But ya learn new things, new ways.

those kinda conversations are really awkward and scary and I’m not ok with them. I avoid them. Run in the opposite direction.
Maybe I could write stuff down. Insist that she read it. She knows this is what I prefer, but still makes a fuss and is always hesitant. She does at least look at my bullet journal every session. It’s how we check in really.

@Bow that's perplexing... and there's no way for you to contact the team directly?

Maybe so, but I reckon you've also learned new ways of approaching things and new ways of coping. I know you said you didn't want an admission, but might it be still worth it - a circuit-breaker before you go into the ED group?

They are indeed awkward and scary, but I think doing it with a psych is also the best way to practice doing it, getting more comfy with it. Maybe instead of broaching the bigger topic of comfort and connection first, you could start out by asking her why she's so hesitant to read your written stuff? Like maybe (and this is a wild guess, don't quote me on this) she has some clinical or theoretical reason to be hesitant, like she wants to encourage you to talk and have that emotional process as you do, rather than what might seem like the easier path of writing it down - and if so, you can say 'Okay I appreciate what you're trying to do but I don't feel ready for that yet'.

I can call or ask to talk to the team @Jynx there is always a liasion officer on every day if I can’t speak with my CM. And the team is on until like 9pm. I’m not sure who my SW spoke to today.

I’m worried that I will be forced to have an admission. Or I’ll do something that will result in an admission anyways. Sorry. just where things are at. Sorry

Still don’t know when group will start.

yeah I think her hesitation in reading stuff is that she just wants me to speak it instead so that I grow and develop. Gotta start somewhere. But I’m just not there. And there are times where I just can’t. And if she ain’t gonna read it then she just ain’t gonna know it. Plain and simple.

@Bow ahh the dreaded 'make a phone call' step. Hate that. But I mean, if the net result is a positive one of getting more support, I reckon it's worth it. At the end of the day though, it's your call to make (heh... pun).

Yeah totally, I can really understand why that would be plaguing you and influencing how much you are able to be open. I would offer that perhaps it's worth taking that step yourself, planning and actioning your own admission - so that it's your choice, your terms. Food for thought.

Totally, and I can picture that being unable to communicate in your preferred medium feels not-very-good hey. Hence my encouraging you to say to your psych that you don't feel ready for that yet. It's YOUR recovery journey, and you are the one who gets to dictate the pace.

And what does ‘more support’ even look like @Jynx ?? Cause I don’t know! Is it just them calling/visiting/ me going in? Cause that’s all I can think of them doing. I could even ask my SW to make contact with them and ask on my behalf. She will do that.

there is so much pressure on organising an admission. The guilt I feel in relation to mum and daughter. The inconvenience. Blah blah blah. We’ve had this conversation before I’m sure.

maybe if she started with being more open to allowing me to communicate in my preferred medium then I’d be further along in feeling connected with her, in trust her, in feeling more safe with her. Instead she has put up a brick wall in a sense and then in return I have put up a brick wall too…. If that makes sense? She’s put up a barrier in how we work together, then so have I.