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Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

QueenieSenior Contributor13 Aug 2016, 2:52 pm AEST

Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Well I'm headed back into hospital yet again as I've seemingly crashed... yet again. It seems like every 6 months or so I'm in hospital for a lengthy stay. Usually it is psychosis, this time it is depression caused by a number of factors (life stress and a recent medication change).

I can't help but think this is just my life and I'll never improve. It's been 10 years since my first episode this month and here I am, a decade later still struggling. I've lost so much to mental illness.

I hope I don't fail my course, I hope I don't lose my amazing gf. I don't think I could bear it if I did. I've lost my family (I'm estranged from my father, my mother and brother are dead). I've lost my home (I was married but the relationship turned violent and he got everything in the divorce as he could afford a better lawyer than me). I lost a job I loved (I was a well paid public servant until they discovered I have schizophrenia and asked me to resign, discrimination I know!).

A lot of people say these occurrances are just blips on my recovery journey, but I can't help but think this is what my life has become, a complete failure. Maybe it is the depression talking though, I just don't know...

10 replies

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In response to: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Unknown userMember13 Aug 2016, 4:52 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Hi @Queenie

I'm sorry that things feel so endless at the moment. You're incredibly brave though, you've never given up and you keep battling. You're no longer in a violent relationship and have an awesome GF. You're studying and making a new future for yourself. 🙂 you truly sound like an amazing, strong person.

I hope that this hospital visit is short but very helpful,

hugs,

In response to: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

angel_wingsContributor13 Aug 2016, 5:32 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

I am so sorry to read this, I feel exactly the same way. I just said it to my daughter this morning. I am new here, so don't know much yet about your story, however I do know, there is a time for everything, a season for everything.. which means, NO.. its not your life, just another challenge along the journey. I have faith in you and send you love and courage xx

In response to: Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

QueenieSenior Contributor13 Aug 2016, 8:29 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Thank you for your replies @Former-Member and @angel_wings. It is encouraging to know I'm not alone in my fight. I don't feel brave at the moment, I feel a bit like a loser really. I know in reality I'm probably not though, as you said LJ, I have my gf and for that it's like winning Olympic gold!

In response to: Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Unknown userMember13 Aug 2016, 8:41 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

From what I've read in your posts @Queenie im seeing this as just a blip. I guess if you can look at these as blips it will get easier and hopefully less stressful. I couldnt imagine how you feel right now but I definately don't see going to hospital as a failure, but more as a successful way of managing so you can forge ahead with the things that are meaningful for you again. Hopefully your gf sees it this way too, I have a feeling this is the case. Take care, go easy while you get back on your feet and wishing you all the best 💜😊

In response to: Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

QueenieSenior Contributor13 Aug 2016, 8:48 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

@Former-Member my gf is upset I'm going into hospital but more in a way she thinks she has failed me in some way because I've crashed. I've had to reassure her that it isn't her fault at all and it is just my ebb and flow I think. I'm always putting off going to hospital until there is really no other option, which is bad of me I know. I hope to get my mojo back in this admission and feel back on top of things very soon.

Thanks for your good wishes, I appreciate them.

In response to: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

QueenieSenior Contributor16 Aug 2016, 2:07 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Well yesterday on my way to hospital, I got a phone call that everyone hates to get. My beloved pet rat Murphy had died. It's just made me feel even more depressed because he was my little friend who saw me go through so much. I'll miss him for sure. 😞

In response to: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

QueenieSenior Contributor17 Aug 2016, 12:28 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

I'm really struggling today. My gf sat in on a session with my psychiatrist and she says her heart broke hearing what is going on inside my head. We agreed we must communicate more which I suppose is a good thing. I'll tell her how I feel when she gets here for visiting hours. I just don't want to bring her down though.

In response to: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Unknown userMember17 Aug 2016, 12:37 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Hey @Queenie. Sorry to hear of your loss of Murphy. You really are having a rough patch all round. It sounds like your gf is awesome to be so much a part of your life and experiences. You must give her so much back in return as well. I'm sure you'd want to do the same for her so try not to be hard on yourself about this. You are doing everything you can to make things better for you but also her too. I think it's admirable. Take care of yourself. 💜😊

In response to: Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Unknown userMember17 Aug 2016, 8:58 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Hi @Queenie

i'm so sorry to hear about Murphy, that is so sad. losing a pet is just awful, and while there's never a good time for it, it's happened when you're already going through so much 😞

I'm glad that your gf was able to go to an appointment with you, sounds like it has started off a new level of understanding for both of you. Im not great with relationships but i think there has to be that balance of good communication about both good and bad... that way you equally share the highs and lows of each other.

I hope that your first few days of hospital have been ok and that you are feelign supported,

thinking of you

In response to: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

utopiaSenior Contributor17 Aug 2016, 11:52 pm AEST

Re: Is this my life or a blip on my journey?

Hi queenie. I'm glad your gf came to the session with you. I understand that you don't want to 'bring hef down' with what's going on in your head, but it is a necessary part of a true relationship - whether it's a bf or a gf. And although it may hurt her to hear some things, it sounds as if she is strong enough. She wants to be there for you - through the ups and downs. I'm glad you are going to try to be more open with her. I think it will just strengthen your relationship further.
I'm sorry to here that your Murphy passed away. Pets are so important. Theg are more than animals. They become our family. I hope you allow yourself the opportunity to not only grieve for him, but to remember all those special moments you shared.
Thinking of you

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