This is not what I had planned for my life.

Hi @bigt Welcome to the forums. I am the moderator this morning and I hope you get some support from the community here. I think you are so right in that no one signs up for a mental illness do they? It can be very isolating and you have done well to reach out here. Sometimes when nothing works anymore it is time to try something or someone new. A change of doctor for example or a new counsellor to provide a fresh perspective. It can be hard to find the motivation. What keeps you going?

Listening. X

What keeps me going????? I've all ways been told you don't know what's around the corner, even though it's all ways been a brick wall.I guess the thought off that one thing to change it all, and I don't won't to miss out on been there for that. Even though it gets harder and harder as the years go on. May be it tomorrow or maybe it's next week that things will change.

Hi bigt. Asking 'what keeps us going' with depression. That's the $64,000 question? Maybe it's hope that things will get better. People tell you, you have to have goals, what goals are you supposed to have. Everyone is different, with me, personally, my goal is to fight the cancer through radiation, and get back to my job. If you feel you tried everything and nothing seems to make any difference, you can't make sense of 'why you' with depression. No-one knows why some people suffer/fight depression, while others seem to breeze through life. Some people tell you it's 'all in your head', wow, where else would it be? Depression is a chemical reaction to either lifestyle, drink, drugs, etc. Sometimes AD's do help, but you have to allow time for them to work. Impatience doesn't help, it hinders. Can I ask if you have interest/hobbies, to assist you when you feel as though you've 'had enough'. Believe it or not, if you can do something to take you 'out of yourself' it does help. As I said, with me at the moment, the thought of returning to my job is what's getting me through. Really speaking, you can make a difference, but only you can do it. That's the hardest. There's no magic wands.

I cant find full time work and it's driving me crazy, so I thought I would do a course, well having learning difficulties and depression makes it really hard. But I said I will give it a go. Now that has come to a head, all ways when I try to better myself some ass hole is standing there with a big hammer and hits me with it. I go to the gym, that's my happy place but when it's real dark I can't even go there. I know it's a battle and many people face it. But to be truly honest I'm scared it's a battle I might one day lose.

bigt. Perhaps your goals are higher than achievable right now. So you look at the achievable. You've tried full-time work, to no avail, what about volunteer/part time? Something you know you can do. Are you okay with people with shopping difficulties, most of my volunteer work is helping people with difficulty shopping, pushing the cart, getting stuff that's too high. What about driving, could you volunteer to drive people to appointments/hospital/Dr's etc? There are plenty of places who would welcome someone to assist. Maybe the hospital where you could 'meet and greet', show visitors to wards, outpatients appointments, etc. Those jobs may sound trivial and menial, but, believe me, they are GOLD for overworked hospital staff. That sort of work would also help your esteem. Just knowing you're needed and valued. I love my job, meeting, helping. To me, it's the best job I could have. The staff are ace, clients pretty good, you have a laugh, socialize.

Hi @bigt. So glad you wrote in. Depression can be so debilitating & the negative self talk in your head makes things worse. I understand. I have felt the guilt that my teenage son has to witness my ups & downs & my hospitalisation. But just like you & all the others here - I didn't ask for this - I didn't cause this & no - none of us deserves it. Unfortunately it is our reality at the moment.
What gets me through: fighting to get better so my son can have his mum back. Fighting to get better so I can have a job again & money. & fighting so I don't have to feel this way.
Medication has helped - especially with sleep. Learning new coping techniques also help. I'm just starting CBT with my psychologist. It's hard now, but I know it will get better. I also know no matter how much I wish for it, my healing won't be finished tomorrow. Slow and steady wins the race.
When anxious or flat, I try and keep my hands busy. Then I find I'm focusing on what I'm doing, instead of focusing on the depression or anxiety.
I hope your therapist is able to help you through this tough time. It can and will get better.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time read my text and reply, I do feel better for it. I think been able to just talk to people who are going through the same thing helps the head, I have been fighting this thing for years and I'm not one to talk to people about things but this has helped.

@bigt. Glad this has helped. I've been on this site about 2 months & the advice I've been given from others has been amazingly helpful - even if it has taken me a week to see it. lol.
You will find no judgement on this site. I hope you continue to chat on here whenever you need. All the best