IkeaNew Contributor
Rough weekend
I'm brand new on here. I used to use helplines a bunch when I was struggling and needed to reach out, but I don't feel comfortable doing that anymore, so coming here is a compromise.
It's been a really hard weekend. I started back at work last week after a really long break during lockdown. I only worked one day- Fri- and still found it rough. I have a disability along with mental health struggles, so I'm an all round low capacity person. I'm so hard on myself it's not even funny. I've been doing so well with self care throughout restrictions, it's been chill. One day of work though and suddenly I'm not handling life again. I don't hurt or harm myself normally, I used to, but have steered clear for a long time. Today I found myself hitting myself as hard as I could over and over today- it's embarrassing- but I just couldn't stop. I just can't stand myself sometimes. I have half a day of work tomorrow morn, and part of me also wanted to hurt myself to making working even harder. I succeeded, it's going to be physically rough trying to work.. I'm a mess of self loathing. I have a great therapist (who's away at the moment) but aside from that I often feel pretty isolated with struggles, I don't really have supports to reach out to to help lift me up, so typing to strangers it is.. I hope things can get better. I have a few days of work coming up this week, and I want to be able to manage and be okay, and not have overwhelming backlash from just trying to do the minimum..