Triggered

Cheers @Anastasia @Maggie will take a look.

Thanks for dropping in @Anastasia today is a better day then yesterday. I have, however, gone back to bed. Just don't have much go in me today at all. Woken up from a quick nap this time and going to make sure I get up... Maybe. I should get up, I am hungry, but tired. I can see the sun shining brightly behind the curtains, it must be a nice day out there. Wish I felt more capable of enjoying the day and being useful.

Hey @saltandpepper

I wish you did too but you know what someone said to me once and it really resonated with me "don't sweat the small stuff"

You get up when you are ready, don't feel guilt your body and mind need to rest my friend, whilst you are there definitely check out Dogs Rock 😆 there are some funny ones 🙂

@Maggie thank you 🙂

Yeah @Anastasia I'm pretty good with accepting when I need to check out. I figured out a while ago that I can either accept it and rest or try and fight it and end up crashing and burning. Just feel frustrated at the fact there are days when I "need" to check out. Sometimes I'm ok at accepting it, other times I just feel disappointed in myself. I mean I should appreciate that I have days where I can function and get on with life, I really never used to have good days at all. But it's a sore reminder when these shitty days come around that I'm still fu*ked up and I guess always will be, to some extent.

It's especially hard trying to keep it together now that I have a son. He saw me on the floor of the kitchen yesterday and I did my best to suck it all back in and asked him to go back to bed--was very early. He asked me during the day if I was Ok and felt happy. This is adding to the guilt and disappointment at not being better equipped to cope when the past starts tormenting me. I feel bery guilty that my son could obviously see I wasn't ok... Far out... what a sh*t thing for him to go through... not a very capable parent hey... well... that's just sh*t... so busy feeling sorry gor myself that I haven't pit myself in his position and seen me theough his eyes. Fu*k. Fu*k. Fu*k.

ok, im getti Ng out of bed and soekding time with my family. Fu*king do it.

Oh @saltandpepper

I can hear you and feel your pain, I truly can.

Being a parent is bl**dy hard and we do our best even on our shi77y days we do our best. I stuggle with guilt around my parenting, but I did do my best and I still do, I have to focus on that otherwise my guilt will consume me. I hope you can take something from what I have said cause you are THE BEST paent for your son. He would never wish for another, I can promise you of that xox

Go easy on yourself please x

@Maggie

@saltandpepper We are the hardest on ourselves. If you saw that happening to anyone else, I’m sure you would feel compassion. Your son will survive, you love him, he knows that.

I had a foster daughter , that nearly finished me off. It’s hard hard work.

You are good enough.......as you are.

Sending 💜💜💜

@Maggie @Anastasia cheers for all the kind words. My partner suggested we go out for ice cream, it took all my strength to do it, but I knew I had to go out with them. Could have said nah, gotta work--which I have plenty of to do--but I would have just gone back to bed.

Made it out, in all my unkempt unruly glory--unbrushed teeth, stained and old clothes--but meh, least I made it out.

Been a while since I've had days like this--I think--where as much as I want to pull my head in, I can't. Honestly just counting down the minutes til I can go back to bed and sleep.

(((( @saltandpepper ))))

Hugs 💞