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Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

DominoesNew Contributor11 Aug 2016, 11:06 am AEST

Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

I'm 22yr girl and my partner is 27yr girl. We've been together now for 10months. My partner is from England and she's on a working holiday visa she is also recovering from depression. Ever since we've been together when she has her depressed days she would say hurtful comments to me. She would say, i don't love you, I'm still in love with my ex, I've got no feelings for you and try and push me away. On her good days she'll tell me she loves me, I make her so happy and that she loves life with me. 2 times she's done it before I realised what she was doing and even she admitted that's what she was trying. We've been applying to move into our own place as at the moment we're in a shared place. I don't know if it's the stress with moving and looking for a place but her moods have been low and so recently she told me that she wanted to break up with me and that she was just using me as she wanted to stay in Australia and that she had zero feelings for me and that she was still in love with her ex, and now that she's calmed down she's saying that she loves me and misses me while I'm at work. Also acts like nothing has happened. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is another episode of her trying to push me away. What should I do? I want to help her.

Thanks so much 🙂

7 replies

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In response to: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

TiggerooSenior Contributor11 Aug 2016, 1:10 pm AEST

Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Hey @Dominoes,

I am now 29 but have been with my partner since our early 20's and he too used to do this to me. For us, it was that my partner often felt he didnt deserve to be loved, and he would say often very hurtful things and then convince himself by pushing me away he wouldnt be hurting me anymore... unfortunately for him i am pretty stubborn so i am still here haha!

What i would recommend is that if she isnt currently seeing a psych, get a referral and go see someone. Going together and focussing on communication skills when things are bad will help her to express her feelings hopefully without pushing you away. You may also be able to learn some techniques for dealing with this behaviour. For example, i would tell my partner that what he had said was hurtful and that i was going to take some time to think and he should too, i would then leave the house and grab a coffee or something to clear my head, then by the time i got home, he was usually ready to communicate.

Moving can be stressful and stress brings out the anxiety and low moods more than anything, compound that with not much sleeping due to overthinking everything and you have the perfect storm!

But keep strong, keep chatting here and take care of yourself first, you cant look after anyone else if you arent looking after yourself.

Tigs

In response to: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Unknown userMember11 Aug 2016, 4:49 pm AEST

Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Hi @Dominoes

That's a really stressful and confusing situation to be working through right now. But it sounds like you really care about her and want the relationship to work. In addition to @Tiggeroo's great suggestions, another thing you might consider is couples counselling at an organisation such as Relationships Australia. This may be an opportunity to discuss with her how her behaviour towards you is making you feel and how it is impacting your own mental health. It sounds like you're doing your best to make things work, but remember to take care of yourself as well while supporting her. All the best.

In response to: Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

BeHappySenior Contributor12 Aug 2016, 7:02 pm AEST

Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Hi @Dominoes,

I can see that you really care about your partner, and want the best for her. But don't forget about you too. Remember your needs in the relationship too. Perhaps when she is feeling good, have a heart to heart. Ask her what you can do during the moments she is unwell.

I had a similar relationship with someone who was very hot and cold. I perservered and in the end, my partner was very committed, but I had grown resentful about being hurt so many times - too much time (several years) had gone by when I had put my needs aside to care for my (ex)partner. My lesson (for which I'm very grateful for) in that relationship was to remember that a relationship involves a partnership where both parties work together to meet each other's needs in a balanced way - it can't be onesided. Both people should feel nurtured and supported.

BeHappy

In response to: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Unknown userMember15 Aug 2016, 7:51 am AEST

Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Hi @Dominoes

I can understand your pain and hurt. My husband is currently going through a period of deep depression and won't talk to anyone else or see a psych, he says he wants only to talk to me.

Which is hard as I am also a sufferer and I have been on the receiving end of nasty comments and accusations and am feeling like I just want to shut down.

Its been going on for the 3 weeks and I have to admit I am starting to slip myself but I have determination to see him through this and then I can heal myself.

Our partners will say nasty things to hurt us and what I have found with my husband he says nasty things to me because he knows I will stand by him and put up with it.

As I have explained to him that yes I love him but I will not be forever his little verbal abuse bag and that at some point he is going to have to learn to think about what he is saying before he says it.

I truly hope you can work your way through this and if she is worth it then stick with it because at the end of the day it will either go one of two ways and I truly wish you all the best.

In response to: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

TarniaContributor19 Aug 2016, 11:51 am AEST

Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

My partner has not been diagnosed properly as qld gives you only so many psych visits a year. But the doctor said ptsd and depression.
Im lucky as my partner knows he needs help and is good at taking advice and listening "this is rare" because quite often they dont want help.
Your oartner sounds alot like many people who have ptsd and depression.
Im wondering if you shouldn't see if there may be triggers that set her off on these mean days.
And im hoping she isnt just doing this as a way to control you to.
Either way its important to feel lived and not have so many days where your left wondering, because you have a right to feel good in a relationship!
Maybe wait until she is in an up mood and take time out to talk to her properly, communication is sooooo important;
Maybe if ahe wont see somone for herself, maybe she will see somone for you?

In response to: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Jane9Senior Contributor22 Aug 2016, 2:22 am AEST

Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Hi Dominos, The worst decision I ever made in my relationship with my girlfriend was to move in after 8 months as I ignored the early warning signs in our communication and downplayed the impact of her depressed (pushing away) moods. Moving in together just made if so much more intense.

How you handle the first time living together can set the scene for the future so it wasn't a good start for us but relationship counselling is now really helping us get back on track. I wish I'd addressed it all sooner and not waited a few years til it was unbearable as the patterns of communication set in pretty fast.

I wish you all the best. You clearly love her and it hurts when her moods flip flop . It can be exhausting supporting someone when they're depressed. Communication is key and counselling might help her work out her confused thoughts and stop pushing them out onto you when she's stressed. It might also help you set limits and express your own needs...And learn to talk together. Take care, Jane9

In response to: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

STAY_CALMContributor30 Aug 2016, 1:05 pm AEST

Re: Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

Hi Dominoes,

I am sorry that you are having troubes with your partner, however it is important to remember that all healthy relationships are built on the foundation of respect.

I have taken a long time to learn about healthy boundaries and that they are essential for all my relationships.

When we have healthy boundaries around ourselves then all other people that we interact with will treat us with respect and when those healthy boundaries are broken we are left feeling hurt, angry, unhappy, perhaps we feel not worthy of other peoples' respect.

It sounds like you love your partner, but love includes respect for yourself as well as respect for others. When we live and respect ourselves, we create healthy strong boundaries around us and we then ensure that the relationships that we have with everyone else including our partners, our children, other family members, work colleagues and acqaintances are all healthy and mutually respectful.
Speaking with a counsellor or a psychologist or reading about how to create healthy boundaries can be helpful. Many of us did not learn these important skills growing up, especially if our parents did not have those skills either. But once learned, they ensure that you surround yourself with healthy strong people.
Take care of yourself.

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