Sonogong99Casual Contributor
Ex-partner and father to my daughter has BPD
Hey guys. I'm a young mum doing it rough on my own. I've had an on again off again relationship with my ex who got diagnosed with BPD only last year but has had it for at least 5 years. He is the father of my daughter and I left him when he started getting a bit aggressive around me when our daughter was 5 months. It was a traumatic experience. I so deeply loved him and tried to help him but admittedly there were times I messed up and would lash out due to pregancy hormones. Everyone was on my side because I was heavily pregnant trying to care for my BPD partner who would always turn on me or love me deeply back. It was scary but also a memory I cherish. So confused. When he wasn't having a BPD episode he was so lovely and doing his best to be a dad. I stayed with him because I understood that he couldn't help everything. His parents abandoned him for sometime, his friends were toxic but every time he turned on me he'd go running back to them, the same people who told me to hurt myself while pregnant. It was traumatic but my friends embraced him not just because I asked them to but they educated themselves on BPD too and we all just wanted to see him thrive with me. After I split from him I saw him a few times. I told him he could still see either of us and that I want him to get help. Which he was. For the first time he bought me roses, went to appointments on time and promised to support me and our daughter. I wrote on centrelink documents we would stay split until his mental health showed promise. Anyway last time we spent together we slept together. It felt so wrong I started crying and told him I think I don't love him anymore. It hurt me so so so much because I loved this man through thick and thin and forgave every wrong he did to me and our daughter. He seemed understanding and hugged me while I cried and fell asleep. After that we were meant to meet again and give me some belongings.
He didn't come. I saw he was playing games online... He didn't reply texts or look at photos I sent of our daughter and eventually blocked my number. He stopped going to appointments. He won't let me get my things. He hasn't given me financial support for baby. He hasn't even tried to see her. I saw him for the first time in 4 months and he had his arm around another girl and ignored me and the baby when I pleaded with him to see his daughter. I have called the police asking for help with my things but because he told them he is fine and happy to cooperate (despite evidence) there is nothing they can do.
I just want to understand why he's doing this. I try to look for answers and all it does is make my cry and confused, sorry and forgiving. I love him so much still. The child health nurse who even attempted to come with me to get my belongings asked "do you want to take him back?" and you'de think immediately no way! But I hesitated because if it weren't for the fact he moved on already and ignored the baby I would have said yes. I loved him at his best and worst and I want him to get better so we can coparent. I can't seem to get over him and I'm hurting so bad. Sometimes I look at my daughter and think of all this love I had to give him I will give to her that way I feel like I can still give it to him. I am still helping him. It sucks because whenever I said to him would you ever move on from me he told me he'd just stay single forever because he loves me too much to replace me. But he did. He gave up on me and his daughter. Why? He says he's fine but even my friends, dcp, neighbours believe he isn't but there's no way to help him. I feel sad and helpless. Why do I still love him as much as the first day I met him despite all the trauma and abuse. I just wanted to leave and give him the kick in the pants to get better and I thought he would. Why did he change? Will he change back? Will my love for him ever fade. I wish I could forget how I feel towards him.
