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Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

TufflifeSenior Contributor08 Aug 2016, 6:38 pm AEST

Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Hi everyone ,

Over the last 6-7 weeks I been struggling with my depression worsening . This is due to my marriage is on edge . We fight most of the time , and if we not fighting we just don't talk to each other.
He puts me down a lot and refers to me as my mothers mini etc , I don't feel happy at home or wanted . He seems to have a better relationship/bond with my sister that we look after full time .
I have seen my doctor and her personal opinion is that I leave as she believes he is a major trigger for my depression and my relapse into that dark place again .

I am in between 2 places at the moment but I have no idea what I am doing and if leaving my husband that I have been with 16yrs this yr and married to for 8.5 of that is the right time .

I am so tired and exhausted , I haven't slept properly in weeks .

15 replies

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In response to: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

pipSenior Contributor08 Aug 2016, 7:01 pm AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Dear Tufflife. Perhaps you could look at just getting away for a while. He sounds like he's trying to pressure you for some reason. Hate to suggest this, but is there something between him and your sibling? You mentioned he has a good relationship with her. I would suggest you try to get away for a while, take sister in case. If I sound suspicious and cynical, I would hate to suspect them. For some reason he is really pushing your buttons and I wonder why. Once you're away and sleeping things might settle.

In response to: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

TufflifeSenior Contributor08 Aug 2016, 8:25 pm AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

I have been staying at friends place a lot and maybe home for 1 night , but even when I do come home I am still silenced and not spoken to . I dunno if there is anything going on with them I would hope not as she is only 16 . Your not the first to say that , but I am struggling to even believe it or that .
It's like we have fallen outta love and we have travel our path in relationship/marriage .

In response to: Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

pipSenior Contributor08 Aug 2016, 8:44 pm AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Hey Tufflife. At 16, your sister could be 'smitten' with him. Not sure of ages here, but if you are quite a bit older and she has a 'crush' on hubby, he could (hate to say this), but he could be encouraging her, to hurt you. So sorry if that hurts you, not intended and if I'm wrong (hope to God I am), I would be the first to apologize sincerely. It could just be you have reached the end of whatever was there. These days marriages don't seem to mean the same as they did. Try to get your sister on her own, you would know her well enough to suspect whether there IS something, just ask her casually if she does 'fancy' him. If there is nothing there, I suggest you ask him straight out what he wants. I think I'd rather know than speculate. I know how hurt you are, but if he doesn't love you, best to know.

In response to: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

TufflifeSenior Contributor08 Aug 2016, 9:10 pm AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

My sister is 16 and I am 30 and my partner is 47 , so there is big difference in ages . I am past hurt now I more numb to all of it .
I am really big a marriages and I feel like I have failed I just don't know how we have grown apart or what has happened . When I have tried to talk to him , he not interested and turns it into jokes or he gets angry , so I wrote him a letter in the hope it would get us talking but all he replied was about my sister and our mother that he thinks is a game player . I just want to figure out where We stand

In response to: Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

AppleblossomSenior Contributor09 Aug 2016, 12:29 am AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Hello @Tufflife I think it is great you have put so much love into your sister. Do you mind if I ask how long have you been caring for her? It sounds as if there is a triangulation problem that he is feeding and feeling excluded in that scenario is REALLY not right. My feeling on reading your posts is that your husband is "a player". You may have done nothing particularly to lose his love, he may not have had a lot in the first place. To be honest I doubt there are many men that age who are mature enough withstand the temptation to play up to a young teen in the house ... sorry blokes if I am wrong. I am not one to jump to conclusions about whether they are not ... but I don't believe it is honestly in your sister's long term interests to be allowed to flirt with your husband while you suffer. She may not realise how damaging it can be but if you are obviously not being spoken to then I suspect she is not being totally fair to your kin relationship. Does she care about you as a sister not just a mother substitute who will keep house?

In response to: Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

pipSenior Contributor09 Aug 2016, 11:36 am AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Hi Tufflife. Was there a father figure in your life or just you, mum and your sister? As I mentioned earlier, when kids (particularly girls) are in close proximity with guys, particularly older guys, often they develop father fixations or crushes. Your hubby is 17 years your senior and 31 years older than your sister. It does sound like she has fixated on him and unfortunately, for you, he has encouraged this. I really don't think YOU (as a couple) stand anywhere in particular. I suggest you ask him straight out, tell him 'no jokes' or bull, just honesty. Where does he think your relationship is heading? Ask him if he wants the marriage to work. Tell him you're sick of the crap and you need to know how you stand. By the way, for the record, you haven't failed, he's failing you, BIG time. Marriage is partnership 50/50, not just what he thinks.

In response to: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Unknown userMember10 Aug 2016, 4:33 am AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

men suck

In response to: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

SaharaSenior Contributor10 Aug 2016, 8:58 am AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Hi @Tufflife,

if you have been with this man for 16 years and you are only 30 now, that means you must have been 14 years old when you first strarted dating him. It just seems too young to me.

Have you ever had a real chance to get away from him and re-evaluate what you see in him? Have you ever dated anyone else to be able to compare the two?

I think a lot of women get stuck with the first man who they fall for and never get a chance to move on and see what is out there and experience other possibilities.

I agree with what others here are saying.... you should ask your sister is anything is going on with her and your husband. Ask to meet her somewhere away from the house and offfer to buy her lunch or something like that. Show that you care about her and are concerned about her future. Ask her gently.

My feeling is that if there is something going on between them, then your sister will be relieved to confess it to you. It must be very, very confusing for her, if this really is what has happened.

I don't like the fact that your husband continually keeps puting you down. That would definitly worsen your depression, as I think you doctor has suggested.

I suffered a major bout of depression as a result of having a partner who constantly ignored me and treated me like I wasn't even there. I left him and I'm so glad that I did. It was soul-destroying being with him. I started to feel so much better once he was out of my life. Even being alone and lonely was no-where near as bad as living with him!

I personally think that you should separate from your husband for a few months to see if it helps you to feel better. Once you are stronger then you will have a clearer idea of what you want for the future.

In response to: Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

pipSenior Contributor10 Aug 2016, 9:56 am AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

Hi Tufflife. Have just read Sahara's reply and am in total 100% agreement. It almost seems you could have been looking for a father figure yourself and he 'fitted' whatever you imagined a father was. He also sounds as though he's almost playing you against your sister/mother. Putting you down, building sister, mother he's got narcissistic tendencies there too. I think, as Sahara advised, a total, clean break to give you a chance to breathe and see whether it's love or 'need' for him. I was married for 25 years, left him last year when his need for parents overcome his marriage vows. We're both in our 60's but I still needed him, so did his parents and it appeared their needs meant more to him than us. Since leaving him I've regained my self worth, I'm seeing someone else who knows what I went through. Your hubby delights in degrading you, that is not love that is a control where he feels superior. You can't change/alter him, all you can do is care for you and sister (if you feel she needs caring). Time away might shock him (don't count on it), more importantly, it'll give you a chance to re-evaluate your life.

In response to: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

TufflifeSenior Contributor10 Aug 2016, 10:06 am AEST

Re: Dunno what to do , is leaving my marriage the right decision

I was 15 when I got with my now partner , my sister came into my care 5 years ago and has been so full on since . We ain't that close she is closer to my partner and will talk to him before me . If I leave permanently she wants to stay with him. I have been in between 2 places at the moment. Trying to have space and to try and work out what I am doing and if I have a future . I have met someone who is a good friend and they treat me so different and makes me smile etc . He even asks how I am and how my day has been which I am not use to. But I don't think I am good enough for this person if anything was develop between us , but at the time being I have to sort my stuff out before I can think of being with this person .
When I am at home I feel like I don't belong or wanted.

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