Hi @Owlunar
thanks again for your continuing support and understanding of what it's like to have such a controlling, manipulative horrible mother.
Reg. my brother - I am not sure if I have written this here before - but my parents DON'T know about my brother. you see at the time of telling my mum about my childhood abuse I only told her about my neighbour and uncle as my dad had just come out of hosptial with heart issues and I didn't want his health to deteriorate because of my revelation of my brother. Hence I have kept this one very close to me and have not mentioned it.
My sister (the one i talk to) asked me, over the phone, at the time if my brother had done anything to me. I started to cry and replied yes. She said she had an inkling that he was involved. She then asked if i remember anything about her being abused - i had to keep quiet on that one too. I couldn't tell her yes that i had seen my brother abuse her too. at the time time my sister was not well with a lot of issues and i couldn't see her get worse, i couldn't tell her. So i said no.
See this is what i have been thinking - she knows about my brother, or she senses that he is involved. Why? because he has not called me to even see how i am when i told my mum about the abuse. Of course he is not going to because he most likely remembers that he abused me too, so why would he call me? Wouldn't she want to know why we dont' speak. My poor dad would be devastated if he knew and believe me some days i really want to tell her who the third person was.
I also blame my dad a bit for not been there that day I told mum. I am angry that he lets her control him. Why? for peace and quiet, does he not say anything. My brother has done some horrible things in his life and one of them was involved where he worked and my dad worked at same place. my dad was more or less told to leave his job becasue of my brother and what he had done. my dad was embarassed, ashamed and left very very hurt. you know my dad was telling me about this a few months ago and he started to cry. I have never seen my dad cry. He must have been hurt very badly by my brother. But again, my brother is, i think, like my mum only cares for himself and what he can get out of others for his benefit. he will use people for his benefit.
The abuse as a child has broken me; it hurts, painful memories, flashbacks and so many questions. It happened and there is nothing i can do about it. The only thing i can do is to have less contact with my parents and live my life, a happy life the way i would like to.
Which is worse for me? - as much as the abuse has hurt me and was disgustingly horrible I think that my mother's invalidation and behaviour to the revelation is worse. Because i know that me, as a mother, would NEVER do that to my daughter. i would never abandon her if she came up to me and told me she has suffered. I would take my daughter in and hold her, say sorry, and talk calmly and make sure she was okay. I would not yell at her or attack her verbally - like my mother did to me.
You would think that a 'normal' mother would sit down with my dad and me and hubby, just the four of us and discuss this like adults. no screaming, no yelling or finger pointing. just sit and listen. you would think she would want to know what happened, how did it happen, when did it happen? you would think she would ask me 'how are you feeling, how are you coping' 'is there anything i can do for you' 'can dad and i help' - all of that = zero!!!
Zero help, zero support = zero love.
OK, i understand they come from a different generation, a very strict culture and different ways of lviing. I know they don't show emotion or speak of it either. My parents have never told me they love me. Or even tell me they are proud of me. (see now i am crying damn!!!)
But i know i should be proud of my achievements - i have a husband who Ive been married to for 35 yrs, 3 beautiful healthy adult children and a gorgeous little granddaughter. I worked before i had kids, stayed home for 10 years raising my kids, then went back to work. We were never rich, we did try to go on little holidays with the kids, oh yeah all of this while having a mother in law live with us for 18 years. I forgot that.
And another thing - my mum has no respect for others except herself. When my MIL was almost dying in nursing home, when i called mum to tell her she wanted to come with us to see her. But when she died and we had the funeral neither her or dad came. That is NOT respect. Respect is that if they didn't want to come to the funeral, because he doesnt' drive anymore and it was far; they could have come to our house to pay respect to my hubby. They knew my MIL for a very long time, even before hubby and i got together. His dad was a well know real estate agent. My younger sister (who chose mums side to not talk to me) lives 5 mins down the road from mum; she sent me a text msg reg. MIL passing. If she wanted to make amends and peace with us she could have driven mum and dad to our house. Anyway, it's happened now and i can't go back and change things.
It's interesting how she doesn't call me now. Yet when i am in hospital she tries to act like a good caring mother, calling daily. But now since i am home from hosptial not one phone call. And to be honest, I only call her when i feel like it. could be every 3rd day or even once a week. Yesterday i thought i better call and see how they are, but its more for my dad to see how he is. It was literally a 2 min call. that was it!!! WTF. why do i bother. i got off the phone and thought 'gee that was a great call'.
Sorry Dec, I don't know where all this came from; i thinks its my anger and i am venting.
thank you for your understanding. xxxx
