Need to vent

Thsnks @MDT

I thought writing this would hrlp but instead it's done the opposite. I'm really struggling tonight. Tried to go to bed early but I can't sleep.

Dear @BlueBay ,

Hugs. Whether the letter reaches your parents or not, it doesn't matter. You yourself do not need to re-read it if you don't feel able to.

I just want you to know that you are very brave. Many may not understand your pain, tears and actions - that's okay. I know your pain is real. I only know how real it is, and not so long ago, I was in a similar place.

Hold on tight my friend. You deserve it.

Do you think there is a chance of re-referral into Spectrum's DBT program?

Tight squeeze,

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BPDSurvivor

thanks for your support. After reading your post I decided to email spectrum to enquire about DBT.

i don't feel brave - I wrote how I felt and it was honest and open.
I actually don't feel strong at all. I feel like I'm just treading water.
I'm sorry you were in a similar position. That sucks.

my BPD thinking is terrible. I'm struggling I'm not sleeping properly. So much stuff in my head.

Hi @BlueBay

That's a very powerful letter - of course you are exhausted after writing it - I know - but you needed to write it and get it out of your system - I'm glad you did

Are you going to post it? There are a lot of letters written that are never posted. I did post the one I wrote to my parents - telling them how I felt - it didn't go down well and it's a long story and after some time my father relented and I was back in the family until he died - so yes - it was worth it

But I would not advise either posting it or not - it really doesn't matter because you did write it and it says a lot -

Your mother - yes - totally get that - and I understand that you are exhausted - exposing your thoughts to yourself can be scary -

About your feeling that your psyche speaks to you as if you were a little girl - do you actually feel as if you do come across that way at times? - you don't need to answer that - it's knowing how you feel yourself that is important

I know if I felt anyone discounted me in anyway would get a couple of sharp questions - in fact - now and again - I get treated as if I am an old lady who is losing her marbles and I know I am not at all ladylike and I have all my marbles so I keep repeating myself to that person - called the broken record - like telling one of the paramedics that I wanted to go to the private ED when she kept on telling me I needed to go to the public ED - it's very frustrating - so I hear you about being ticked off with your psyche.

You are free to challenge him - it must feel like an insult - and you are stronger than you think and you are getting better at writing and making your point. Maybe it's easier for you not to feel strong - but you are actually - I have known you for nearly 5 years and you are still battling with BPD and it's not at all an easy road but you keep doing it and that is FANTASTIC

If you keep putting yourself down then you give the rest of the world permission to do the same - you are a worthwhile and valuable person and you have a fine family of people who love you and you have us and we are a pretty tough bunch of cookies too and you are one of us

And you are worthy of the support - I give it freely - and I wouldn't if I didn't feel your worthiness - and other people give it too

Because you are a decent person

And I am glad you are looking into the DBT scenario - I don't know much about that - I think it's a sort of group therapy - and I would try anything to get through my chronic pain issues - well - almost anything - I would imagine if you could invisage how much better you might be if you did then you would go for it

I care about you and wish you the best

Dec

Thank you so much @Owlunar

No i won't be posting the letter, but gee that would be a good idea - NOT!!! Can you imagine the trouble and drama that would happen then. 10 years ago when my memories came back, I had to go to mum's because she 'needed to see and talk to me'. but instead of talking and supporting me she gave me hell. verbal abuse, yelling etc etc etc (i think i've told you haven't I??)

i came home and after a few weeks I posted a letter to her and dad explaining how I was and my depression etc was affecting me. But she posted it back to me.

And really if i post the letter nothing would change. she would still be the cold hard bitch that she is!!!

My psychologist asked me yesterday if I would tell her about my brother. I said no i can't do that for the sake of my dad's health. and she still wouldn't change to be the mum i so wanted.

She also asked if my mum died would I tell my dad about my brother? - to which i said no because of his health, but i would speak to him about 'what did mum tell you about my abuse'. and i would definitely tell him all about mum.

Hi @BlueBay ,

Hope your are feeling a little better today.

Upon reflection of your posts, I'm thinking, do you think your recovery focuses on your parents and your past? I can see that deep down you care very much for them yet it is painful to know they were never there for the protection you needed.

Your recovery is for you. Work on benefiting yourself. What can you work towards to support YOU as a person? How can you grow as a person? You deserve this. It would be good for you to now focus on yourself. What steps can you take to advance yourself? You are worth it. You deserve it. You are precious.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BlueBay

I'm glad you are not going to send that letter to your parents - it would stir up more trouble than it could possibly heal I am sure - and your mother will never change - life can be really tough at times

And no - you will not tell your father all about your mother either - or your brother for that matter - what you could tell him was that your mother refused to let you visit and confirm it for him - he probably is aware about that already and it can do no harm

Telling him about your mother when she is not there to defend herself is not something I think you would do anyway - you are a decent person and if you were going to tell him you would have already barged in and told him but you are aware of his health

I have thought a lot about the past and the trouble my mother caused - a friend of mine who works in the industry told me that the silent treatment my mother dished out is a form of child abuse. Yelling and silence are at opposite ends of a complex syndrome I have to think more about - silent reflection can give me a lot of insight into the past - I know that your wounds from your mother's behaviour has hurt you but you have to think hard to find your way past it - I love what @BPDSurvivor wrote here - the way your mother has behaved doesn't define you

As time passes - if the natural order prevails - your mother will pass before you and you will hopefully find the peace I found after my mother died. I see her as a pitiful, ignorant person who never had the insight I have learned through life and I really have left the past in the past because I honestly believe she couldn't help herself - maybe your mother can't either and this is rough on you - and I truly understand

But it belongs in the past - you can make a better future for youself if you learn to leave the past in the past which doesn't mean it wasn't horrible - it was - but accepting that can mean a whole new beginning for you - a whole better life - and you deserve it

Dec

Good questions @BPDSurvivor - and the answer is I don't know. Nearly all of my psychologist sessions are based on what has happened the previous weeks from last session. It could be anything from work related, my BPD behaviour etc.

It doesn't really focus on me, just me.

To be honest I have no idea where to start with answering these questions. I have no clue

Family pressures/fights etc are very emotionally draining @Owlunar

I think i have copped a lot of emotional abuse from my mum over the many many years. looking back to two weeks ago reg. the fight over the phone; i should have been passive but instead i was aggressive. i told her what i thought of her. in hindsight now i should have said 'look mum i don't have time to talk to you now' and left it at that. but i can't change what i said and to be honest i think me saying that to her was an expression of anger on my part. it was a build up - especially over the Christmas time when i tried 4 times to visit them and she kept giving me stupid excuses to not go.

i don't know how to move forward without them. how do you?? i get very emotional when i think of the times now i won't see my dad.

yes i am NOT my mum; i am my own person with my own family who i adore so so much including little A. she is the highlight of my life, day to day.

yes, it's a shame my parents are the way they are; i cannot change them. they are very set in their ways.

my mother - well she is a different type of breed. she may have suffered in her childhood, i do not know. but it's no reason to lash out on me.

i'm old enough to not have to be treated like the way she does. i am an adult, but i think she knows that she can push my buttons; she knows i am sensitive and emotional like my dad so she does want she wants to.

i do want a better life than what i have had with my parents.

but i know it starts with me - i am the one that needs to work out what do i want? how do i make this happen? how do i find happiness within myself without my parents.

oh this is so hard.