Need to vent

Ohhh hugs my sister xoxo @BlueBay ❤❤

Hugs my mum @Owlunar ❤❤❤

good morning my friends @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Former-Member @MDT @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8 and others i have forgotten

i saw my pyschiatrist at 9am this morning. She looked at me and knew there was something wrong. I broke down and cried and cried. telling her how i miss my dad, what my mum said last week about not seeing each other for 2 years. she couldn't quite work out why 2 years??

told her how i have been in bed the last few days, not eating properly, sleeping properly, no walking or sewing - just doing nothing.

after talking for a while she has decided to up my AD an extra 1/2. see how it goes.

she wants me to focus on the next few days and start to enjoy it especially xmas day with my own kids and little A. otherwise, if my mood is still as bad as it is then the family will notice and it will affect their xmas as well. that is something i don't want to happen.

we made a little plan for the next week until she sees me next wednesday (on her request).

today i am going to go for a short walk

sew one or two baby cloths

write down a list of things i need to buy at fruit shop

eat lunch and drink water

be present with the family on xmas day

it is my prents choice to NOT come on xmas day, there is nothing i can do to change their mind. it is their loss and i will enjoy the day with my own children and especially little A who is very excited.

by them not coming and telling me they can't see us for 2 years - it's ot a reflection on me; i am a good person, i try to have family altogether but it's their choice. yes it is sad, i feel sad for them.

but this time again i have taken her words as a sign of them hating me; i have taken it very personal and that's why i have been so upset, rejected, abandoned. all those feelings are coming back.

oh yeah, half way through my session we could hear a lady sobbing outside. my pysch went to have a look and this lady was in the middle of the road wanting to end it all. my psych's receptionist called the police and ambulance and my psych stayed with her for a good 20 mins by the time the police arrived. my poor psych was a bit frazzled by the time she came back. i think she needed a stiff drink!!!

anyway, i am okay atm. i know i have these very downs and slight ups. hoping extra med will help me. i have the boys home now from work, they are on hols, so that is nice to have others at home.

better go and write out a list for food shopping, oh i better go for a walk first. the effort is huge but i am going to give it a try, even if its only 15 mins walk. better than nothing i suppose.

speak again soon

love to all.

BB xxxxooo

Hi @BlueBay

It seems as if you have a few plans in place and are realising that your parents have made their choices and that's okay - it is not reflection on you - it's something weird though

Two years? - I think I can guess that one - your mother has heard some mis-information on TV or the radio about it could be the case that we will have this virus around for another 2 years and your mother is so ruled by fear she wants to isolate for that long - which is like "weird" because who can possibly tell?

Or she is just being a bad-tempered person - about the whole deal of whatever is in her mind this year

I am glad you are going to get yourself at least partly into the spirit of Christmas for your family - you have taken time our for yourself which is good - now it's time to cheer up - at least on the outside

I missed my Dad for years because he chose to allow my mother's refusal to see me rule their lives - they were unhappy - and I did have a conversation with Dad before he died and I was vindicated - this could happen for you too - I pray so

Dec

Hello @BlueBay

Great to see positive movement. I am very pleased that you spoke with your psychiatrist this morning and that, together, you have prepared a clear plan for the things that you can do. This is while recognising and acknowledging that there are activities that you can do and some issues over which you have no control, even if that means accepting situations which are what you may not want them to be.

What you have control over is you. There are people for whom your goals are to provide for, as well as whose company you can enjoy. You may not have all that you might want. However, I recommend to you that you do enjoy what you have. That is probably best achieved if you do not begrudge others or judge them, but rather, hold them firmly in your heart.

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX

thank you @Owlunar @HenryX for your comments and support.

At the end of the day I will be having a great Christmas Day with the love of my children and granddaughter. My parents on the other hand - will be sad and lonely.

I just went to the shops with younger son (he has been so good) and bought fresh fruit and salads for Christmas lunch. Tomorrow I will make the lasagna and slow cook a lamb roast for 6-7 hours.

I will also make arancini balls (rice) for the first time, hoping they work.

My son bought some italian cake shells which need filling with custard which we will make earlty christmas morning.

then i need to cook turkey breast, make salads and of course decorate and whip cream for pav.

that will be it. looking forward to a nice relaxed day.

i didn't do any sewing today, might need to continue just after Christmas Day. Got to do too many things tomorrow. I don't want to overwhelm myself with a big list. Hubby is still working even public holidays and then has 2 weeks off starting new year's day. hoping weather will warm up so we can go to the beach.

i think i am okay, in a better frame of mind at least for now. i am so glad i saw my psych this mroning, she is so caring. she kept telling me 'i get it, i really do get what you're saying'. she uderstands the trauma of my childhood and the huge impact my mum's behaviour has on me. well today i guess she saw it. in a way i am glad i opened up to her and told her everything, being vulnerable and emotinal is really hard, but i told her everything about my week including suicidal thoughts.

@Shaz51 @Emelia8

@BlueBay 😄💓👍🌷

Hi everyone @HenryX @Emelia8 @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Owlunar @Bow @Snowie @oceangirl @MDT and others

this time of the year always brings some sadness. I don't know why.
this morning -
ive put the lamb on slow cooker for tomo

ive made sauce for lasagna

i did two loads of washing

i sewed 5 baby cloths

I went fir a 30 min walk

im feeling sad and angry

at times a bit overwhelmed and panicky

I just want to sit now and do nothing

strange feelings thats hard to explain

You've had a productive day already @BlueBay sitting down and having a rest is perfectly ok 🙂

I've been out to the shops this morning to get fresh last minute things for tomorrows lunch. I'm really tired today but doing a very slow walk on the treadmill at the moment before I go down for an appointment with my case manager this afternoon.

Good morning @BlueBay 😊💕

You have ticked a lot of boxes today ... well done you!

I think you have earned the chance to sit and do nothing for a while now.

Dont begrudge yourself a rest from time to time.

I too have a lot of sadness and loneliness building up on me.

Christmas is a difficult time for many.

Thinking of you BlueBay and wanting the very best for you.

Hi to others here @HenryX @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Bow

Emelia 🤗💞☕🌸

It won't be easy @BlueBay - all you can do is to take one event at a time - even one moment at a time - I can't know how you feel but I know how I felt on those Christmas-days when I couldn't see my family

You are doing well actually - I know you can't see it but you are doing things - as tough as it is

Dec