Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay ,

It sounds like your body just needed rest. I'm actually glad you slept until 1pm.

I had an okay start this morning but ended up cranky in the arvo. So I decided to have "chill time" and just went to my bed. I didn't sleep or anything, but I think my body just needed to stop and do absolutely nothing.

I got up for some meetings at 3:30, and then had an online mindfulness class in the evening. The mindfulness helped. I actually really enjoyed the class tonight.

@BlueBay , the DBT stuff sounds great! As I've mentioned before, I'd love to do a DBT course, but I just don't have the time to commit to it at this point. I hope you are able to do it. DBT can be soooooo helpful for anyone. You don't have to have BPD for it to be helpful. Let us know how you go with it!

BPD Awareness Week begins tomorrow! I've been looking forward to this week for a long time. I like to use this week to celebrate the BPD journey and to share this celebration with others.

Look forward to seeing you during this year's BPD events!

Hi @Anastasia and others. Does anyone feel it's hard to separate themselves from their illness? I feel my depression is so present all the time underneath ...and is it my deficiencies or my illness that stops me from caring or trying much? Sorry to be negative but at the moment I feel like I don't deserve to have what I do when I can't really embrace all I've been given.

Hi @BlueBay @BPDSurvivor @Shaz51 @MDT @Snowie and @Zoe7

How are each of you? Anyone still awake?

Hey @Sam3 It is really great to see you Hon

As for your question - I think depression is great at masking everything in our lives. It makes us harder to both feel and also to feel too much. I have found in the past that it is really hard to care or try when in the depths of depression. We find everything hard and do not have the energy or impetus to do anything (including care about anything). I don't believe though in focussing on 'deficiencies' as we all have our own strengths and by seeing the things we cannot do takes away from the things we can (if that makes sense). It is easy to fall into the negative with depression and training ourselves to see the positives is a hard road - especially if we have a history of so many negative or bad things happening in our lives and a lack of self-esteem or self-worth. What I can tell you though is that seeing what we can do and working towards things we want is the start of getting out of that cycle. It doesn't matter what we have, what we have been given or what we may see as the 'ideal' though - what matters is how you see yourself ...and asking the question you have is a start to understanding yourself and reaching out here is infact a positive. Glad you asked the question because it is a good one for many to ponder. I truly believe we are not our illness but that does not mean that it does not shape who we are - we have to find ways to work with it, work through it and ultimately work around it in order to lead any kind of life that is fulfilling and worthwhile.

Thanks a lot @Zoe7 "Seeing what we can do & working towards what we want" is wise but hard when I want to give up. Today I took my 12yo to see the musical "Charlie & the Chocolate Factory". What I want to do is function more and be enthusiastic but whilst I may appear that way at times it's an act. Are you able to work towards what you want at present? Are you still teaching? And your fur babies? Did you finish your shed? Abs still doing art? You are a reliable and generous person. Do you know how hansolo is going?

Yeah it is hard @Sam3 Honestly - a few years ago I would not have been able to even entertain any of that myself. I was very much like you are feeling now - everything is an effort and not an effort I could or wanted to put in. Depression takes so much away from us hey I have not been able to do much apart from work for quite some time - not fallen back into depression but too tired and numb to do much else. Have had a lot of grief to deal with so whilst I have not been able to do anything I have still been able to work (just). On school holidays now so trying to get some work done around the house - which has actually been really good for me mentally as well. Toby and Clover are well - I did lose my beautiful Cat a couple of months ago though so that has been really tough. Hamsolo has changed his name to @MDT 👍

@Zoe7 thanks a lot for the update. Glad you've been able to work but disappointed for you that it takes all your energy. So sorry about the loss of your cat & the impact of your grief there and in other areas no doubt. Thanks for "sitting" with me tonight. I find it hard to know when to push myself a bit to do a task and when to just stop bothering trying to fight the incessant negative ruminations.

It is a hard balance @Sam3 I tend to push myself too far a lot but am getting better at knowing when enough is enough. There are times though that we need to push through and I find the sense of achievement at the end can be reward in itself. It is hard when we 'have' to do things we don't want to do and I suppose the balance is in doing some things we like to do to even that out. Unfortunately it often takes all our energy to do the day to day things.

How does this work ?

Everynight I have to knock myself one or the other to cope...I’m resourceful but I’m getting old. My adult life has been a Tarantino movie. I want old fashioned Disney. I want to be happy.