Need to vent

Hi @Owlunar

its Really hard because I'm really anxious about the future - the next three months.
and I do panic very quickly.
you're right though - one day at a time. Hour by hour if need be.
I had a chat online just now snd broke down terribly. I was angry at what happened to me as a child and all I could see was what my brother did to me. I was used. My body was taken advantage. That's why I hate my body.
Im angry at the situation. Angry at my mum for not protecting me. Angry at me for not telling someone.
I remember a few days ago I was molested at primary school by a boy. I remember his name.
I ended the chat because I was too angry and wxnted to self harm.
I'm now laying down while no one is home enjoying the quietness.
I need to stop my negative horrible thoughts affect me or take control.
it's horrible.
supposed to hear back from job today. Hope so.
I will read the post about self love later on. Thsnks for tagging me.
I'm glad your procedure went well. And I'm happy that you had a nice Mother's Day yesterday with your daughter.
@saltandpepper Hi I'm not seeing my psych until July. He's another one that is hard to see. But I could email him and ask for an earlier appt. yeah I'll do that.

@Owlunar

I was thinking that. But what about the job offer???
I think I'll email my psych and see what he says.

Life isn't easy @BlueBay - this is easy for me to understand

Bad things happen to good people and when bad things happen it doesn't change who we are - if we are good or not - we are the same person but with more experience

I know that being molested was terrible but it is something you really need to accept and put it behind you. It will always be a terrible memory but that's all it is. Your anger defeats your hope to be a more - ah - capable person - happier even - I have dark things in my past and they are part of me and changed who I am. I have accepted them

My mother was cruel - my marriage sad - and my son unhappy and getting deeper and deeper into alcohol and crime. I know how it is to live through such things and I can say that it helped me to develop resilience. I can assure you that no one would like anyone else experiences. And it is true that it's better to have the devil you know than the one you don't

I have thought that one thing you could really do and be good at is learning to be a counsellor for people who have been abused as you were. You would really understand them because you have been there. You would have to do a course at TAFE or something like that but I am absolutely sure you could do that. You have an abundance of self-doubt and that will never help you - putting it aside each day - each hour - will eventually work

You haven't scored the job yet so yes - ring your psyche. Life has humps and bumps that's for sure. You will get confused trying to fit it all into one day or even one week. There is plenty of work around so I hear and did I mention that you could retrain for something else

You do have the power - take it back from your abusers and your mother and use it to enhance your own life.

I don't write much about the dark years in my life but I had them and that could be why I understand your life so well. My minister told me he could change anything in my life - it was up to me - and so I went home and started changing things. I changed so much - including my name which I laugh about - it upset my parents so much - and I still don't get it - in fact they did not like so many of my decisions but after all - they were mine to make

Btw - our parents don't each us how to make decisions - or at least mine didn't. They tried to keep making mine whenever I saw them - well into middle years - which is one reason I didn't see them

You can do it BlueBay - I know this from my own life - and it's much better when we do

Dec

Sorry you're going through this @BlueBay I'm really glad you're resting in bed, take good care of yourself. And absolutely get on to that email. If he's not able to get you in earlier, is it possible to do a session over the phone?

@saltandpepper @Owlunar @Emelia8 @MDT @Shaz51

A quick post - my blood pressure got higher. Called my GP and he wrote a script for an extra med. he called me before to see how I am.
he said to be careful as this med can make me lightheaded. He said to take it easy snd he'll csll me next week to check on me.
@Owlunar I will reply to your post tomorrow. I need time to read it.

@saltandpepper @Owlunar @Emelia8 @MDT @Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor @Eve7 @Zoe7 and others reading

I got the job!!! The owner called me at 6pm and said he and his wife are happy to have me join the pharmacy.
my hours will be Monday & Tuesday 10-7pm and Saturday 10-1pm.
I'm starting next week (Tuesday) as they are short staffed.
I am happy but not overly excited. I'm not jumping for joy. Even though I worked there about 6 years ago I feel anxious.

That's great about the job @BlueBay! I can understand the anxiety- I imagine a lot has probably happened in that time since you were there last, though I'm also really pleased for you. I feel like even if what's to come is a little nerve wracking, what you've achieved with getting the job is worth celebrating, so cheers to that! 🎉

Well done @BlueBay That is awesome news and I am sure once you start back your anxiety will lessen and your confidence will increase!!

💙🤗🌸🤗💙

that is awesome news my sister @BlueBay

@BlueBay well done! What an achievement! I can understand the nerves, I think that's to be expected whether you've worked there before or not. Change always brings about nerves--for me it does anyway. Try to let yourself celebrate the achievement though @BlueBay you've done so well, applying for the job and then getting the interview and then nailing that interview! There's a lot to be proud of there! And you've managed to do it all despite the self doubt and fear, that is the definition of a brave person.