Strange obsession with privacy prevents friendships deepening....

The thing is @Sahara I did not realise that was the real mother I had.

I did not start thinking that way til in my 40s. Shocked, silly me ... my aunts said it, my husband of the time said it, and then a gorgeous little 94 year old at choir said it ... so now I accept it as true.

I made excuses for her shortcomings and ignorance and tried to help her practically and help her get an education.

I now read in my ward file that I was very loving to my family and mother .. but mother went down a different track .. anyway she is dead now ... so that is the end of that ..

Part of her turn around may have become jealousy about what she thought that I had ... that my life was so much easier than hers etc ... it was not ... but she was focussed on the stuff too ... to the point that she did the same thing with me that she did to my father which drove him to death of pneumonia ... she called him a malingerer on the day he died with his doctor when he was seeking medical care ...

I know not to take it personally anymore ... but of course when it is our mother .. we experience it personally.

When I would say I cant drive that fast .. to keep up with my brother on a family holiday ... she would make out I was lying ... now I have looked up online and there was a common misconception that for people with "lazy eye" that parents thought they were lying .. but it is actually a genetic and muscular condition ...I knew that from an aunt ...

but my mother also knew she was hurting me at the end ... and was quite deliberate ... my son's school principal said I had been "crucified" ... and mother was heavily into religion ... maybe I will borrow an approach I learned on forum .... and call her WAYWARD MOTHER or WM. She let me down in so many ways I couldnt figure it all out til I was an old lady ... lol

Hi @Appleblossom,

thanks so much for writing about your relationship with your mother. It's so helpful to me to read the experience of someone else who also had a difficult mother. I was similar to you..... I kind of knew on one level that I was always afraid of my Mum, but it was so difficult to reconcile this fear with the overwhelming obligation we feel as human beings to love and respect our mothers. So I was always in two minds about her.

As I got older, I instinctively told her less and less about my life. I did not want her advice or criticism. Mainly, it was always a relief to not be in her company.

When, as a 35 year old, I had a profound experience in therapy, where I realised the extent to which she had damaged me..... well, it was more of a feeling of freedom, than anything else.

It's funny, but my sister who had more or less the exact same experience of growing up with the same parents as me (obviously) did not experience my mother as terrifying. It's weird. And yet I would describe my sister as possibly the most emotionally repressed person I have ever met! She is repressed to such a point that she doesn't feel unhappy- mainly I would say because she is devoid of emotion entirely!

My Mum died last year. I think I have coped with her death fairly well. Sometimes I still feel annoyed with her- like, I think, what business did she even have in having children? What was the point of it?

About a year before she died she told me - without an trace of irony- that if she had her time over, then she would never have chosen to have kids! She was not trying to hurt me or shock me... she was simply stating a fact. It was good for me to hear this from my Mum because it made me feel vindicated. I knew she should never have been a mother... it was so obvious to me, but strangely, not to anyone else.

@Appleblossom, I am so ready to let the past go now. I hope you are too.

When your mother said that in your presence she was admitting her sense of failure as a mother.

My mother made a few similar statements towards the end ... my mother was married to the piano and should never have had children either. Music she could control .. other human beings meant she had to learn new things, face up to her ignorance.

I am not sure about letting go of the past ... I prefer the idea of reframing it... in a lot of my past I made good decisions and did good work, so I focus on the positives. I like it when I think of my brother and sister who have passed. The image of them as pure souls has become a memory.

Yesterday in choir, I spoke with a new lady, just chat. She was from Sydney and I said I lived there when I was little. Something made her say ... "without your parents" .. I was surprised as nobody has made mention of it .. and then we could talk about my sisters old foster family school which was near her side .. she was North Shore .. and defensive of it .. but then we both relaxed as I was brief and positive about it. So that was a weird example of very sensitive meeting .. which unwittingly brought up my past ...I asked her what she did for a living .. she was a teacher .. it was ok ... she had respect for me as a musician sitting next to her .. I didnt get the DHS or ward of the state stigma ... of a snobby shallow person ..she knew I was anxious about my son not turning up .. maybe that let on that there were past attachment issues.

I kept a muzzle on for a while about my past ... and for a while I let it hang out .. maybe now I am ready to just be ok with it ... some of the time.

Hope you have good interactions with your friends.

Thanks, @Appleblossom,

ooooh, I'm not so sure that my Mum was admitting a sense of failure.... I think it was more like the role of "motherhood" was a disappointment to her!!! Yes, I believe she felt ripped-off by motherhood! It was supposed to fulfill her every need as a woman but it fell short. Oh well.

The whole thing has made me into a raving feminist, I'm afraid. I'm damn sure motherhood would not fulfill me either, and I'm not prepared to try it! Maybe in some other life-time.

I like the way you described your brother and sister as pure souls.... that is a very comforting way to think. I like to think of my Mum a bit that way now, too. Like she has found peace and is finally happy.

The new lady in your choir sounds very nice.... what a find. Someone who is open and interested without being judgemental.

I actually wish I had some talent in music, but I'm just not blessed in this area. I am more of a visual person and I can paint and draw.

..............................................

I spoke to one of my friends last night and she did say that she was surprised that this was the first time she was hearing about our new house, but she was absolutely fine about it, so that was good. We got into a very deep conversation about a mutural friend of ours, so that was very rewarding.

Then I sent a friendly text to the mutural friend and I haven't heard back yet, but I hope to today.

I was influenced by feminism when younger .. was hesitant to be a mother .. but was handed a readymade bub ... who needed mothering so had to woman UP.

I love poets Adrienne Rich & Stevie Smith

but I dont think feminism prepared me well for the experience of motherhood .. I guess I take what I need from the various isms around.

Conversations re mutual friends .. can be delicate to negotiate .. sometimes it can help grow understanding of sutble needs and quirks. Good Luck

Yes, @Appleblossom,

I don't think anything can prepare you for the experience of being a mother.... but in an ideal world, I think you would have your own mother right by your side, a lot of the time while your learnt the ropes, and that she would be kind, patient, loving and wise. Well, this scenario was never going to happen for me.

If my own mother had been kind, patient, loving and wise, then I believe that deep down, I would have wanted to be a Mum, too. Because motherhood would have been modeled to me as a good thing to do.

As it is- all I have is confusion around the notion of motherhood and what it entails. It just seems like a risky thing to get involved with.

Of my 3 closest friends - two are not mothers. (we are all in our mid-forties now) My only friend who did take the plunge ended up with post natal depression. One of my friends remains very ambivalent about motherhood and has still not found a partner, anyway. The 3rd friend says she always wanted to be a mum, but strangely, she never acted on that impulse. She is now divorced and single, too.

I guess that being in the company of these women and having the upbringing that I had led to me just not feeling the vibe!

The psychologists that I have seen assure me that the desire to have a baby is universal and biological and everyone has it..... so whatever is happening with me is strong enough to overpower nature! Now, that is strength!!

Hey @Sahara, I'm feelin' pretty terrible at the moment, but want to connect and say - our lived experience is OURS - and it is not a competition. The reality for you is hard to live with - I get the privacy thing totally. Only a handfull of my friends know about my mental health issues.

I hope you find a nice middle ground, I wonder if the move might be a time to go over the friends list and see who you REALLY want to keep in your life and let them know you are moving, and just leave the rest... I would,but then I am also basically friendless. haha.

May your new house be a lovely home.

Hi @MoonGal,

thanks for dropping by to say hello. I am very sorry to hear to that you are feeling terrible. Anything you would like to talk about? I find it really helps me to write things down.

I finally spoke to one of my friends tonight - she is someone who can be particularly tiresome and intrusive, at times. The conversation was interesting... it seems that she is considering moving hundreds of miles away anyway, for a new job. I'll sort of miss her....

Everyone now knows about my move and I've announced it on Facebook, too. I don't feel so worried about the whole thing, anymore... mainly because I'm a lot less exhausted now. I worry about the strangest things.

I hope ypu are having a nice, cosy evening, @MoonGal.