Strange obsession with privacy prevents friendships deepening....

Thanks so much for replying, @Former-Member. It means a lot to me that someone read this. I am having a bit of a bad day today- I'm mainly just exhausted from moving house, I guess. Still, I am relieved that the move is over and I am trying to get all excited about our new house but I must have lost the excitement centre in my brain somewhere along the line...!

I find it hard to get excited about anything, these days. And yet, I do not think I am depressed.

I am like you... it's me who has the problem relating to my friends; they have not changed. They are basically very, very good people who I have no real complaints against. I just feel that I might have to pretend to be excited about my life when I talk to them and I am not excited, just stressed.

I suppose it's up to me to explain to them why I am feeling so stressed and why I have neglected to fill them in on everything in my life that happens, as soon as it does (like buying the house). I suppose deep down, I don't feel that they will understand my level of stress surrounding all the life changes that I've been through lately. I feel like it might be even more stressful for me to have to describe how I have been feeling!

But talking about stuff is meant to make us feel better, isn't it?? So something maybe isn't quite right with me at the moment.

thanks so much for being there, @Former-Member

Hi @Sahara

Congratulations on the new house

I’m glad you’ve shared how you’re feeling today. Anxiety isn’t necessarily comparable from one person to another and even something that seems small can be really upsetting.

I often find that talking about things makes me feel better, even if the thought of talking is daunting. Has it helped to talk about things here? Just wondering if maybe it feels like it won’t help to talk to your friends, but perhaps it actually could help, if that makes sense. Just a thought anyways.

And thanks for sharing a bit about you.

Hi @Sehnsucht,

I'm glad you got hep with child-care in the end. Sometimes we have to be very upfront about what our needs are with others, or else we will not be heard.

Luckily, my husband and I were able to do all the moving ourselves with a van my husband was allowed to borrow from his work. It was a lot of heavy lifting for me, though, and I am not exactly fit!

Thank you so much for writing here, @Sehnsucht. I feel less alone when I know people are reading my posts. I feel so fortunate to have people like you prepared to listen and respond.

Hi @Former-Member,

I think you are basically right.... once I feel a bit less exhausted it will be a good thing to start talking to my friends and explain why I was so quite about buying the house. I have to speak my truth even if I am difficult to understand.... because other people want me to be excited but I'm just not.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, @Former-Member. You have no idea how good it makes me feel that people are actually reading this!

I can relate to your thread title @Sahara

In the last few years I feel more comfortable socially than I did earlier in life. Though I still am reluctant to talk ... "friends" ... just too busy and not much luck ... maybe its my choosing .. but I suspect I had less choice in the matter than many people could realise.

There was this whole thing about D&M ... that it was not cool or not mature or or ... to talk about the deep and meaningful .. so in the end I deliverately turned to the deep and meaning in religion ... I have always been able to use few words ... can do and am very used to silence .. may be interpreted as being abrupt .. and through "therapy" I have discovered the dubious delights of being garrulous.

Find a way to get to the point about sharing the new address .. include ambivalence or level of work and stress ... honestly at my age most people moan about moving house ... my last move was all done by me with 8 year old child in tow ... boxville is fine .. it took as long as it took ... my mother accompanied me on the day of the move .. and I had invited her to our regular trips to see our patch of clay change ... grow pipes ... bricks .. roof ...and she had all the fun of the new house .. and we celebrated her ... but then she got snarky ... it was jealousy ... she was no use in helping me make the big decisions .. when I was terrified I might make a mistake .. and set up my sister as rival, bought a house for her and excluded me .. I thought we would be finally be happy and have lots of lovely long walks and meals and do music and see movies .. but not with .. my mum .. she was out to prove herself endlessly right.

You dont really know how people are going to react... but it is a job we need to do .. if you want them to know the new address ..

Its hard to know really who are the 'good' people and who are not .. its great if you share their values ... dont worry about it so much ... some say be 'careful of the company you keep' .. but for me the directive was to get on with the particular person that was next to me or around me ... maybe I internalised it and justified it in a christian social justice of manner ... so I took up with who presented did not believe in judgement .. but fear of rejection and anxiety is in most people to some degree ...

Hi @Appleblossom, and hello to @Former-Member, too. And all.

@Appleblossom, thanks so much for your very thoughtful reply. I am sorry to hear that your Mum was jealous of you... that must have felt terrible. Our Mums are supposed to be our greatest allies, but sometimes they fall very fall short of the ideal, don't they?

I always had a difficult relationship with my Mum, too. She was one weird woman. I wonder if she was sometimes jealous of me because I was born into a different generation where women have more freedom? Dunno.

I am like you- I prefer to talk about deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and get frustrated with meaningless gossip. And I feel that people have become more competitive now and love to compare what one person has against another person... like life is one big competition. It makes me very, very uncomfortable. That's what I was getting at when I said that I find my friend's questions "intrusive".

I feel like they are not primarily concerned with how happy I am, but with how much I have!!! As though the two things are one in the same!

One of my friends even seemed extremely annoyed when my husband's family gave us quite a bit of money for our wedding a few years ago. She went as far as to say that "They have already given your husband enough; they shouldn't have given him more." This really upset me. After that, I did not want to have to tell anyone anything about what we have and how fortunate we have been. Except that they keep asking freaking questions!!!

But I am really trying to get beyond this and roll with the punches a bit more in life.

Hi @Former-Member,

I just wanted to say that it was so nice to read about your good, supportive friend. She sounds very precious.

My friends are good people and I think they would probably do anything for me if I ever asked them too. I tend not to ask much from them, so maybe they see me as aloof? I don't know.

I have a few things to sort out with some of them.... a few weird dynamics going on.... some of which could be my fault, at least partially, anyway.

One of my friends I feel must be somewhat jealous of me (for no good reason) but she is pretty much jealous of everyone, so that figures.

Another friend is extrememly pre-occupied with a child who has MI issues, so I never expect any kind of positive communication from her, anyway. I really think she just doesn't cope and isn't able to be there for anyone, for obvious reasons.

My other friends now know about my move and just expect me to be excited, but since I'm not excited... well, what can they do? Just scratch their heads, I guess!