Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

Hi @BPDSurvivor

I'm doing ok, just trying to take everything in, work out what to do moving forward and learn how to advocate for myself, which I'm finding quite tricky but quickly realising that it's something I need to do.

I like your comment about caring for someone with BPD. I am hyper aware of how much strain this is currently putting on my marriage and how family. I feel like such a burden at the moment, like I'm pushing them all away and ruining all relationships. I'm hoping with therapy to build skills and understanding as well as with some time I can take better care of these special people in my life that I love so much.

Thank you

I have reached out to BPD support groups. My situation is that my partner does not acknowledge that she has a problem and refuses to see anyone (including a GP). She just pays out on me and our adult children.

She is wonderful with others and happier with strangers.

Hi @Carlo ,

I hear what you are experiencing and it doesn't sound pleasant!

I remember that I too was always 'happier' with strangers but this was a facade. As someone with BPD, I lacked self-identity. Mixing with strangers meant I could hide the real me and the emotional turmoil I was going through.

Without medicalising the situation with your partner (eg I think you have BPD), have you been able to have a real talk and ask her 'Are you satisfied with our relationship and where things currently are?' She may give you an immediate YES to brush you off, but put the offer out there - 'I can see there are things I'd like to work on to improve things' instead of 'you need to work on ways to improve things'.

I suggest you use 'I' sentences instead of 'You' sentences, otherwise she might think you are targeting/attacking her.

Take care @Carlo .

Let me know if there's any advice/support I can provide from a borderline's perspective.

Ultimately, as much as you want to help, you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. That's why your own self-care is of utmost importance.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @Gem17 ,

Depite challenges with relationships/family, having someone with BPD is also amazingly rewarded. The intuition, care, compassion, and passion borderlines have is incomparable! So try not see BPD as a 'bad' thing or a 'curse'.

The fact that you realise some things are not working in your life at the moment and you are ready to make changes, makes all the difference. Psychotherapies WILL help but involves hard work and commitment from all. It is about in training your brain in some areas and retraining your brain to work in more effective ways.

The change is subtle, but over time - extremely noticeable!

Take care,

BPDSurvivor

Thank you @BPDSurvivor

I have been living with this for many years and have tried "I can see there are things I'd like to work on to improve things", but she won't discuss it.

I feel that she sees engaging in a discussion to address my behaviours and the issues she says I need to fix, takes control away from her. She then has to commit to take action or accept that we are working on the solution.

At the moment, she shuts me out and won't talk to me after she has lashed out and said her piece.

Hi @Carlo ,

Sounds like it's the BPD 'waiting period'. Waiting for what? For things to get worse before they get better.

She needs to come to a point where she can no longer manage living the way she is before doing something about it. I can see she's not ready for help.

Best thing then is for you to take measures to take care for yourself. You can't FIX someone who doesn't want to be fixed. Hence turn the focus on yourself to see How you will manage her behaviours.

When things flare up, no point trying to reason with her. Better walk away. She's being her logical thinking brain.

BPDSurvivor

Hello @BPDSurvivor

and other members visiting this thread

This is just a note to alert you, and other members to the possibility of links, in particular, forum addresses, appearing not to be active in some circumstances.

While it may sound defensive of me to say so, this post is in no way a complaint or criticism. Rather, observations that, I hope, may be helpful

In your posts, on the dates noted with the address list printed below, you had evidently wished to alert the members listed to your posts. I was surprised that I had not responded to the posts in which you had addressed me with my forum address link. I take my notifications from the "Your Notifications" list-page and always particularly check the notifications, in all threads, that are addressed in the "Your Notifications" list-page, in the following manner:

@BPDSurvivor @mentioned you in 10-12-2021 05:36 PM
Re: Henry's Landing Strip & Hangar

The notification above is the only notification that I have received from you, since the 10 December, which is as far back as I can check. It was as a result of my checking of the following notification, from about 3.00 PM (AWST) Thursday 16 December, and review of earlier pages in that thread, that alerted me to the issue.

@Carlo and 2 others replied to discussion about 5 hours ago
Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

I was also surprised that there were only two supports given to each of your posts, which seemed too few, given the number of addresses included in the list and the very high likelihood of responses by other members included in the list. This led me to believe that the forum addresses had possibly not been active or functional. I thought that this may have been the case if you had copied and pasted them from another source page {eg., a word processor document} as I have previously and unsuccessfully done. Since I have copied the addresses from your posts, I am presuming that the members indicated by these addresses will not receive an alert, as the addresses are likely to have inherited, what I believe to be their lack of functionality from the original post. I also copied and pasted them from a word processor document.

In my post, of 12 Dec 2021 05:06 PM , regarding addresses and notifications, I have mentioned what I believe is the case; a copy of which follows:

“ Caution: I believe that forum addresses do not copy and paste properly from the word processor, so it is best to enter all forum addresses directly into the reply box.”

It may also be true that forum addresses cannot be copied and pasted via the clipboard from other locations, as appears to be the case if copied from word processor documents.

I know that I have had this issue in some of my own posts.

If I receive a huge number of supports or comments from this post, I will know that I have another problem and that the address list below is indeed active and functional. However, I do believe that it is an issue of which we need to be aware, one way or another.

The forum address lists were posted in:

Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

On the 11 December 2021 at 12.20 PM {just 2 Supports offered}

@BlueBay @Andrab @Judi9877 @WIP @Nells @Shaz51 @Aniela @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @Ellan @sanity41 @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM @Andrab @Theodora @Et68 @26aqua @LostAngel @Healing_Journey @TG1108 @BPDCarer1 @DJ228 @Name84 @TomRiddle32 @Dec @PAX1741 @Netty78 @PlantLover @Hannahbanana98 @Kaitlynjade97 @LearningWaters@Janis_J @Hombre @Meggle @TideisTurning @Daisydreamer@cloudcore @Evanthia @Zoe7 @HenryX @ShiningStar @The-Hams @outlander @Determined @Appleblossom @Clawde @Sam3

@Faith-and-Hope @LostAngel @Sphinxly @Emelia8 @TAB @DrZoidberg

and the same list also, in slightly different order:

On the 21 October 2021 at 09:22 PM {just 2 Supports offered}

The following 3 alerts, or notifications, were received by me. In only 1 of which, by @Shaz51 , I had been alerted through the inclusion of my forum address. I am actually surprised that I have not received more notifications from the thread, even simply to inform me of new posts such as those offered by @Carlo and @Gem17 as indicated by their posts, to each of which, I did receive an alert or notification.

Carlo and 2 others replied to discussion 16-12-2021 ~3:00 PM
Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

Gem17 supported 12-12-2021 05:11 PM
Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

Shaz51 @mentioned you in 12-12-2021 01:04 PM
Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

I hope that this note may lead to the sorting out of a problem that I believe may exist, even if it is simply to clarify and know how we can apply and use forum addresses in our posts.

With Best Wishes

@HenryX

Hello @Rosemary4 ,

I can empathise with your mishap. After going to singing at the residential aged care this morning and an extended visit with a friend, who lives in the independent living units afterward, I came back and had some lunch. The singing and the visit were really pleasant.

While making a cup of coffee after lunch, I was picking up the cup to add the hot water and spilt the little water and coffee premix down my front and one leg. I was just very thankful that it was not the kettle that I spilt.

Otherwise the afternoon was here at the desk, responding to notes on the forum and drafting the letter, about forum addresses, that I just posted.

While that note looks a bit daunting, it is just the details from which, I hope, we will be able to distill some tips and guides. There are a few little curly issues in the site that, if we all know them, and how to avoid problems arising, it will, I hope, make communication easier and more fluid.

I hope that apart from your window, things are going alright for you. Have you been able to fix or dummy up a temporary window? I don't envy you the job of clearing the glass and making sure all is safe.

With Best Wishes,

@HenryX