Good evening @BPDSurvivor @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Oaktree @Former-Member @HenryX @Daisydreamer @cloudcore and everyone here!
I'd like to mention a BPD episode that happened to me yesterday - Saturday- in relation to my psychologist cancelling our appointment (I thought it was meant to be yesterday but got the dates confused) and how I handled myself and the situation. Basically I thought we were meant to catch up after me leaving PARCS on Wednesday and was looking forward to our phone appointment. Anyway, I waited 30 mins before emailing him and found out that it was meant to be next week and not yesterday so you can imagine my disappointment when the email came back with the new date and time. Now, yes I was upset because I had so much to tell him after not speaking to him for 2 weeks despite emailing him stuff all thoughout my PARCS stay and was upset which caused me distress in a major way. I thought that maybe this was a test or challenge that he'd set up to test my BPD coping skills and to see what I'd do such as go down the potential self harm road or get angry and do who knows what (the old girl would've done this in the past before my recent admission to hospital and PARCS) and with that in mind, I made up my mind to prove him wrong with my behaviour. Yes, I wanted to send him an email telling him I was angry and upset and let him know the truth about several things and in my head for the rest of the night, I must've mentally sent him endless emails, however, I never physically did send him anything which I believe was a massive achievement on my behalf. I had to think of the consequences of actually doing that behaviour which would've potentially caused some bad issues for me such as him ending the therapeutic relationship altogether which I didn't want or need after what I'd been through over the past 5 weeks so I chose not to go down that path. Instead, I chose to knit a beanie, go for a drive and listen to some music as well as voice my concerns to my sister and housemate instead. Oh, and I also placed a booktopia order for 2 books that I forgot to order earlier in the week when I placed an order for some uni textbooks. The end result is I got through the episode in a safe and somewhat rational way and I'm proud of myself for achieving this.
The way I look at the situation is as follows:
- My psychologist could've honestly messed up the appointment time and date which can and does happen to everyone;
- The phone connection was bad when he last spoke to me so maybe I misheard him and got the date wrong;
- Maybe this was a test for me set up by him as I stated earlier and in that case, I'd like to have thought I passed it;
- Maybe he wanted to see how I would go after catching up when I'd spent 10 days back in the community instead of just the 3 which would've been yesterday and we'd have more things to discuss at our next appointment instead?
Whatever the motive or objective was is something I'll have to wait and find out when I next speak to him. The main thing is, I look at it that I've handled 2 weeks without speaking to him over the phone so what's another week in the scheme of things? It just means that I've been able to deal with BPD and all her little games and I've gotten through it without resorting to bad past behaviours. I know I'm stronger now and that was clearly shown yesterday about how I handled the BPD episode. Admittedly, going internet shopping probably wasn't an ideal coping mechanism but the books I ordered 'So Much to Tell You' and 'Looking for Alibrandi' were important to me and books that I needed to replace as I'd lost them so I justified it to myself that way and I had the cash to do so. Besides, one of my favourite quotes comes from Looking for Alibrandi which is 'Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. And sometimes when they don't, they can turn out a little bit better'. That's the way I'd like to look at the appointment confusion yesterday. Maybe my psychologist cancelled to try and teach me something about my BPD and my coping or distress tolerance skills that he wanted me to learn for myself and in that case, I learnt that although I wasn't happy with him, I got through it and I survived quite well.
What do others think? Did I do the right thing? What would you have done in my situation? Some feedback would be much appreciated here please!
Thanks for reading this! Stay safe and take care!
Judi9877☺️💐
