Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

Hi @TomRiddle32 ,

How did you go at your psychologist? Are there any specific skills you are working on?

Looking forward to hearing from you and hope things are better for you.

I guess it's also about having the expectation that all MH has ups and downs, let alone the roller coaster ride that comes with BPD!

Please know we are here for you and continue to reach out,

BPDSurvivor

@BPDSurvivor hi how are you?
Grrr BPD - what a shit of a thing!!!

I've had so many ups and downs this past week while in hospital. I'm sure when physically unwell it affects mental health.
I had three crying melt downs this week. It did help release a lot of built up emotions.
Ive realised that I still have a lot of acceptance wirk in regards to accepting my childhood abuse and reaction of my mum.

So much to do.

Hi @BlueBay ,

I certainly feel that way too! There's SOOOOOO much to do!

Despite being able to 'function effectively' in society, I am still a very isolated person. I have an immense fear of relationships/intimacy for the fear of getting hurt. My natural brain tells me to stay away from relationships where my vulnerables may be exposed, yet doing this means I have no close friends, no real relationships, and no one to talk to in person - this is NOT what I want. This is the work I am doing with my psychologist now. There's a long road ahead.

This short YouTube clip sums up my life to a tee - a CAPITAL T!

https://youtu.be/9EtKgmVMsFQ

My tell-tale signs:

1. My fear of abandonment - this causes me not to engage in relationships so there's no chance of being abandoned!

2. I'm fiercely independent - I don't ask anyone for anything nor have expectations from people. If perchance I get something, I see it as a bonus.

3. Always fall for the wrong ones - I end up being used.

4. I'm flaky - inconsistent in how I treat people.

5. I'm a perfectionist - to hide my vulnerabilities.

6. I'm a workaholic - definitely true. It's not the money I need, but the excuse not to meet up with people ('I'm working, I don't have time).

7. I sabotage my relationships - another truth.

So here are my vulnerabilities clearly laid out. This just shows that as 'able' and 'in-control' as I am (or how many people seem), really, deep down, no one has a perfect life. We may envy others who have the life we want, but if only we knew the sorrows of these people/households. I guess this brings things into perspective. We should live life with the aim to work with the aspects of our life, rather than judge our life based on the perceived life of others.

Hope this makes some sense,

BPDSurvivor

@BlueBay @Andrab @Judi9877 @WIP @Nells @Shaz51 @Aniela @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @Ellan @sanity41 @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM @Andrab @Theodora @Et68 @26aqua @LostAngel @Healing_Journey @TG1108 @BPDCarer1 @DJ228 @Name84 @TomRiddle32 @Dec

Hey @BPDSurvivor Thsnks for sharing.
I can relate. Abandonment, perfection, boundaries, sabotage.

I feel for you being so alone. It must be difficult.
you're right no one has a perfect life. I agree with what you wrote in the last paragraph.

at times I fear that this is me forever. I get tired at times of trying. It's very draining.

take care @BPDSurvivor my friend. You are such a valuable forum member. Xx

It is interesting and disturbing how differently you are treated in the hospitals based on the diagnosis on your file. When I was younger and diagnosed with BPD, it seemed like some of the nurses didn't like me very much because there is a stigma around BPD. Years later, I was admitted, and my diagnoses had been updated to schizoaffective disorder and all of a sudden, I was being treated with a lot more understanding and compassion. I don't know what had changed, except my diagnoses was different.

That's interesting @Former-Member

it shouldn't though - being treated different

I sometimes feel that I'm not listened to or taken serious enough when it comes to my physical health. it's very frustrating because then it affects me mentally.
hope you're going well.

Actually @Former-Member ,

You're completely correct. When I was first admitted, I was listened to, cared for etc. After I got 'BPD' on my notes, I was ignored and disregarded. This was followed by a quick discharge.

As much as I understand hospitals are not ideal for people with BPD, we are still people and deserve the same dignity, care and respect as other people.

This is why I'm so adamant that people with BPD voice this with the hope of seeing this stigma shift. The availability for support for people with BPD is next to nothing unless you can afford expensive treatments. I know I'm one of the few who have been supported by the public system, but I know many are missing out.

People need to know that BPD is not a respecter of persons - its does not only strike the affluent. Hence, where is the equity in available BPD treatments?

Any thoughts? Tell me about your experience/s.

BPDSurvivor

@BlueBay @Andrab @Judi9877 @WIP @Nells @Shaz51 @Aniela @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @Ellan @sanity41 @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM @Andrab @Theodora @Et68 @26aqua @LostAngel @Healing_Journey @TG1108 @BPDCarer1 @DJ228 @Name84 @TomRiddle32 @Dec @Former-Member

Thank you

I haven't been doing any skills training with my psychologist as my mood has been pretty low lately. I'm hoping my DBT program starts soon. I keep looking up things online about recovery from emotional dysregulation taking a long time. My episodes are very painful and time stops so hoping I can stop those soon. Especially as they cause a fallout that makes things worse such as kicked walls and smashed plates etc. doesn't do me much good.

Hope I don't do that stuff again. It feels like my control over it is more limited than it may look like

When I was still diagnosed with BPD, I moved in with my bandmate who's girlfriend was a nurse and said she wasn't gonna put up with any of "that borderline nonsense". I assured her that I wouldn't go out of my way to cause any drama; I am here to work on music with my bandmate when he has spare time. Anyway, low and behold, there were a few times that we had made plans to work on our music together, the whole band were going to go jam somewhere, or we were going to record something, and knowing we made these plans in advance, she would say to him he had to cancel them to do something with her. I didn't say anything the first couple of times it happened, but the 3rd time I raised my concern, and sure I may have been a bit melodramatic about it, but she just said, "you borderlines are always trying to find a reason to cause conflict". I tried to be reasonable about it, admitting my approach was off, but she wouldn't have any of it. This would go on for several months, and eventually, things got to the point where we agreed that I should move out. The band broke up soon after, and my friendship with the guy fizzled.

If one were to ask her her side of things, she would have a different perspective, and fair enough. But there it is. I ended up reaching out to her a year later and apologized for my behaviour, and she thanked me; that is all there is to say about that.