Adult son, erratic behaviour causing path of destruction

Hi @IMS

Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you have come here to share your experience. What you are going through sounds incredibly challenging and I am sure many in the carer community here can relate.

A really important aspect of being a carer is taking care of yourself as well. If you feel up to it, I encourage you to reach out for some support outside of the forums as well. The SANE Help Centre can be a good place to start, and also Mental Health Carers Australia

Take care,

Basil (Moderator)

A friend of mine was put on anti depressant tablets when he actually had bi polar and schizophrenia so it messed with him even more he ended up in a phyc ward. Once he got the medication he really needed it made a huge difference.
as a mum we bend over backwards for our kids and never want to see them hurt but in this case giving in to him is making him continue to treat u badly and blame you when he needs to be getting help for himself. Just know that you have tried to help and now it's time for him to make a change.

@IMS , Welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. I can definitely see why you may feel like you are at your wit's end. As a parent, I know it is so difficult to watch your son go down a slippery path, yet the more you give in to him, he seems to be getting worse.

Unless there are substances involved, to be honest, what you have described sounds like how I was. In my late teens, I ended up being moody, anxious, depressed, erratic, impulsive and suicidal. I tried so many different antidepressants, mood stabilisers and medication for bipolar. 10 years on, I was told I did NOT have bipolar, but rather, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Suicidal ideation was chronic. I was so impulsive, spending recklessly and being a total risk-taker.

Does your son feel there's a problem? The first step to change is realising there's a need for it.

As @Former-Member has mentioned, it is necessary that you take care of yourself first. Seek advice from GPs and specialists. You are worthy of care just as much as anyone else.

BPDSurvivor

Good morning IMS

Thank you so much for being so brave and sharing your story. It is incrdidibly similar to mine it is as though you have read my journal. I too am a single mother and in my sixties with an adult son who had all the same traits as yours. He was very unpredictable. The verbal attacks would come out of nowhere and I often wondered how a son could call a mother the names he did. He would punch holes in the walls/doors and wreck furniture and there were times I feared for my life because he would threaten me and times when the police were called to interevene, but thankfully he never physicaly abused me. Unfortunately the police laid charges against him and he was put on good a behaviour bond. This exasperated my anxiety as I feared for him going too far and being sent to prison. Unlike your son, mine was diagnosed by so called professionals as having schizophrenia. Believe me this does not make one iota of difference. He was on and off his mood stabilising meds and was repeatedly telling me that they were only making things worse for him. On occasions he would be admitted to mental health ward but this too does not help. He continued to verbally abuse me and blame me for the most outrageous things. His phyyshosis worsened and he repeatedly kept accusing me of holding him prisoner and he felt trapped. In the end for my own safety/sanity (and his) I helped him to get his his own flat. I offered to help him financially and in the beginning it seemed to be working out. He was happy and I could see a real change, but then it seemed the more I gave the more he wanted and he stopped even trying to be stringent so I began pulling back and not be so giving. The guilt games worsened along with his mental well being and I was given advice by the so called professionals to take a step back and make him stand on his own two feet. After many trips taking him back and forward to hospital for anxiety attacks and him refusing to take his meds I told him that I would not continue to help him financially if he was not going to try and help himself. If he continued to abuse me I would not take any calls or texts from him and if he does not keep his appointments with his support workers I would not have anymore contact with him. When I actually did do this I really thought I was doing the right thing. The professionals kept assuring me that they would make sure that he would be ok but they let me down. Little did I know that my son was trying to get the help that I was begging him to get. He went to the hospital alone but after waiting for hours in ER and not being seen he left. He reached out to my sister who I had stopped talking to for failing to be supportive of me when I was trying to help him. Unbeknown to me she would cook him meals and tried getting him help with a counsellor but sadly my son ended up taking his life 9 months ago and the pain and hurt I feel for missing him never goes away and never gets any better. The so called professionals don't care. If the client doesn't engage then they take it that it is their choice. This is so wrong and they should have at the very least let me know and I would have. The point I am making is that you are doing a good job. Please continue to be there for your son and never never take it personally. My son knew what he is doing to me and how much it was hurting me and this hurt him to see me suffer, but he and nor did the professionals have the knowhow to fix it. The highs and lows you describe sound as though they are the affects of the self medication your son is using to try and deal with his situation and I only hope that one day there can be a solution for you.

Hi @Wth and welcome to the forums.

Thank you so much for sharing what you have here. It shows so much strength to bring yourself and your experiences to help support others in their journeys - and ultimately, help support yourself

I am sorry you have been so let down by the Mental Health System. There is certainly still a ways to go there. You have experienced a tremendous amount of heart ache, and it is truely understandable to feel the way you do.

It is also important to keep in mind that there is no one-size-fits-alls. I really encourage you, and others here, to reach out for support for yourselves. Even if it means having someone help you carry the load for a moment.

Please feel free to reach out to the SANE Help Centre for some support or as a place to start.

Sitting with you.

Warmest,

Basil.

Hello Hang-in-there,

I really appreciate your reply and I completely agree it is time to get a proper diagnosis. We spent 2 days last week trying to get help for him at the ED of our hospital to no avail. There is a long wait for a Psychiatry appointment face-to-face, it is around 6-12 months. We are now hoping we can get him to see a Psychiatrist through Psych2you. I feel he has not yet been properly diagnosed. At the same time I have to change my own behaviour, it is obvious that whatever I have done so far didn't work. Bailing him out of financial problems will only prolong his pain and suffering. I want to be there for him as a mother but I can no longer be responsible for his finances. You would understand how difficult this is for me to watch him making bad decisions.

Thank you.

IMS

Hi Wth,

thanks so much for your compassion and understanding. It does sound very much like you went through a similar situation with your son. I'm also so sorry to read that he took his own life. I cannot even begin to understand the pain and suffering you and your son must have felt.

The most difficult for me is to realise that our mental health system is grossly underfunded and in really bad shape. Emergency help is only available if someone is no longer coherent, has been violent and/or broken the law. I'm trying so hard to prevent suicide and safe a life. My son says he doesn't want to die but he needs help NOW to end the continuous mental torture he is going through. So I'm constantly living on edge, not knowing if he woke up in the morning.

Let's just hope we can find help in time.

Kind regards, IMS.

Hello BDPSurvivor,

thank you so much for replying. What really stikes me is, that a patient can be on the wrong medication for years before they finally get diagnosed properly. This could very well be the case with my son. I think after 5 different antidepressants someone needs to ask that question. Do you know how hard it is to see a Psychiatrist where we live? I think this is the main issue. I would be happy to pay whatever it costs but most of our Psychiatrists do not taking new patients. It is so frustrating. And as you said after years of bad experience a patient might be too tired, they may have lost hope.

My son knows there is a problem but he is worn out, angry and desperate.

We are hoping we can see a specialist in February next year. In the meantime I just hope we can get an appointment through Psych2U. This is a great service available to us now and I am very grateful that we qualify to use this service.

Take good care of yourself too.

IMS.

Hi @IMS ,

It certainly sounds so frustrating. Accessing MH services are challenging at the best of times, let alone during COVID.

I have not had very good experiences with psychiatrists. I have found it also challenging to find a good one. However, I am part of area mental health which includes a psychiatrist so my meds are seen by the team. My meds are relatively stable and simple. I am at the stage of recovery where I am now slowly coming off all my meds. The strategies I have gained through therapy allow me to cope without the need for medication. Of course I am not saying recovery means coming off meds, but for BPD, the meds were only to alleviate the comordities which stem from BPD.

Australia's MH system is being revolutionised. It has a long way to go, but it is under changes as the need is so much greater. I know in my area, hundreds and thousands of dollars are being poured into the MH system to meet growing demands.

@IMS , I sure hope you will be able to benefit from the system. Although challenging, don't lose hope.

HUGs,

BPDSurvivor