TessieContributor
Husband with Bipolar I, ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder
Hi guys
As you can see from the subject line, my husband has some serious mental health issues. When we met it was intense and we were basically inseparable. We moved in together after five weeks and were full speed ahead. We moved numerous times and finally found where we want to live (interstate) and have settled down in that respect.
I knew from the beginning that he had ADHD. I work within the mental health industry and could spot it easily. In terms of the Bipolar, I suspected it but we had a bit of difficulty with the moving around and limited funds to find a good psychiatrist who diagnosed it. He has a good relationship with her and does telehealth consultations.
It is five or so years down the track now. I have tirelessly worked to make life easier for him. He has had to change jobs numerous times due to personality conflicts and moving. I have had to continue to hold the fort financially the whole time, as I work from home and for myself. I feel like I haven't had a break since I met him and when we met I was going through an acrimonious divorce (my first husband who I had been with for 11 years had been cheating on me).
So I met this highly intelligent, loyal, protective and hard working man and we fell instantly and completely in love. I felt that I could help him get the help he deserves (and should have gotten a long time ago) and I have now found him that support; a great psychiatrist, clinical psychologist and GP - all of whom he respects and feels comfortable with which is no easy feat! He has tried a wide range of medications and finally has the right balance.
We had a daughter a couple of years ago and we both work very, very hard. There is a lot of stress for both of us.
I feel like perhaps I expect too much of him and of myself. I am determined to keep the house clean and keep all the affairs in order. I do all the organisation of everything including the finances etc. I work tirelessly, it seems like every break that we have had turns into him getting into a rage at some point and the holiday turns out to be more stressful than being at home.
I feel I deserve greater respect. Often he will not even talk to me with his eyes open. I know he is exhausted but I want to be seen. I feel like I have done so much, and put up with so much, that I deserve a lot more respect. The thing is he does try so hard. He quit smoking cigarettes, marijuana and significantly reduced his alcohol intake. He attends professionals and makes it clear that he lives for me and our daughter. I know when it comes down to it if I am happy then he is happy, but I am not.
I am sick of the random rages and the lack of empathy at times. I don't want our daughter to be a witness to it. I am sick of him contradicting himself all the time. I hate him not being balanced and not to know what to expect. I want to trust him 100%
I also feel horrible as I know he tries so hard to make it work and is doing everything in his power. I love him and feel he is my soulmate but he has put me through hell and back. Not only that but he totally lost his libido years ago so I feel I have been ripped off because of that. I hold a lot of resentment towards him that comes up in arguments, and vice versa.
As I understand Bipolar and ADHD and their symptoms, management and treatments well, I can now see clearly that these two disorders are very well managed on a psychiatric level. I feel that he has a Borderline Personality Disorder and have had a bit of a look online and he pretty much ticks all the boxes. I am well aware that a lot of the symptoms coincide with Bipolar and ADHD but there is definitely something else there. His psychiatrist has said that he has it in the past but it has never really been touched upon more than that. His psychologist has told me that he has some narcissistic features, which even he would agree with.
We fight all the time. I feel I work so hard and run the household and am primarily responsible for our daughter and that he should be rolling out the red carpet for me. He definitely has his moments and can see things clearly and wil be ultra thankful. He writes me poems and I know how hard he tries.
I am thinking that despite how I feel I need to change my approach to him in order to make things more harmonious. I am constantly arguing with him, trying to reason with him and getting head f*cked at his points of view that don't make any logical sense. I feel that if I don't defend myself then I am a pushover. I feel that after everything I have done for him, sacrified for him and continue to do for him then to not be able to have someone to lean on my tough times, someone that I can trust with my heart and someone who can support me, that I may just get to the point where I cannot handle it anymore.
He also threatens suicide if I ask him to go (if he has hurt me really deeply by something he has said). I used to get really upset by this but now it evokes barely a reaction in me.
I know he is doing all he can but maybe I am not doing all I can when it comes to his Personality Disorder. I cannot help pointing out when he is being insensitive, lacking in empathy etc and when he goes into a rage I will often meet his anger eventually; I can be calm for a while but then I will just lose it as well.
I do apologise for the massive post. All in all, I would love any suggestions that would help in my situation. We live interstate from family and old friends, plus also working full time wih a little bub sometimes it can all get a little overwhelming. The thing is we have a really strong mutual love and also want to be strong family unit for our daughter but we just cannot seem to stop fighting and I think I am going to have to take some responsibility and a different approach to help matters as at this point of time I think he cannot work on anything apart from doing some EMDR on his rage.
With warm regards 🙂
