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Setting boundaries with spouse

ElMaccNew Contributor02 Oct 2020, 6:08 pm AEST

Setting boundaries with spouse

Hello everyone,

First time here - I hope everyone is staying safe.

My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression and high stress, we have suspected something has been going on for some years but he's avoided seeking help until now. He views he has been a passenger in his life and realises there are a lot of things he should have participated in more - I'm relieved he is making the steps to learn more about himself and hopefully we are on a pathway to an even better life together.

He has never been an emotional person and really struggles to talk, typically he will stonewall or get very angry and say hurtful things so people get off his back. His family and I now see that this isn't 'him' but rather a depressive episode talking. When he isn't in an episode he is truly the most wonderful man on the planet and would do anything for those that he loves - he laughs loud, is affectionate and loves to be with me and our families.

As we move into this realm of support and encouragement for him to take back his life, I want to know more about how others have set boundaries to ensure that your marriage doesn't get completely corroded. I am very aware that this isn't an easy road and as a spouse, it can quickly escalate and change the relationship dynamic. In general, I am a very empathetic person but most things I won't take personally, but as he goes through this I want to set up some boundaries with him to ensure that he and I are both taking care of ourselves and try to consider the other person particularly when it's the initial stages and there are a lot of heavy discussions as things begin to bubble to the surface.

He is FIFO 1 week on and 1 week off, so I am very much an independent person and am able to stick to a routine when he's home and find time to look after myself when he is away.

Any examples would be absolutely appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

2 replies

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In response to: Setting boundaries with spouse

Unknown userMember04 Oct 2020, 3:27 pm AEDT

Re: Setting boundaries with spouse

Hey there @ElMacc,

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for telling us about yourself, I hope you find lots of support, connection, and wisdom here.

That's an incredible step for your husband to be seeking help. You're thinking about past behaviour and how his mental health issues might impact him, but also about having boundaries around acceptable behaviour, and both of you communicating so your voices and needs can be heard. If I have understood, it sounds like you are also thinking about boundaries and communication as you are worried about how the dynamic of the relationship could change while you are supporting him.

I'm sure members will jump in soon to offer their experiences, it might be a quiet weekend in the carers side of the forums!

In the meantime I hope you are reaching out elsewhere too. Carers Gateway 1300 227 377 have a great support and information helpline for people supporting someone in their life.

Great to have you on the forums and see you around 🌻

In response to: Setting boundaries with spouse

Craig75New Contributor05 Nov 2020, 10:41 pm AEDT

Re: Setting boundaries with spouse

Hi There,

I found boundary based and delicate conversations with my wife flowed easier when I actually took validating her anxiety seriously, and learned how to do it.

For example; her anxiety has lead to a loss of her healthy eating and exercise which has led to her feeling low about her image. I worked out that telling her she was beautiful etc only drove her anxiety, and once I started using lines such as " I understand you feel horrible, but you'll get back to exercise in time when your ready" builds up an honesty and trust that I can share with her.

Sure; picking the moment is still tough, but by validating what your partner is feeling you position yourself shoulder to shoulder where it's more difficult to get punched in the nose 😉

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