Returning To Square One

Hi all,

Its been a while since I've posted, and I think if I go back and look I'm probably posting for the same reason as last time. That bloody cycle of depression, that heaviness in my chest, that feeling of hopelessness, that voice telling me there's no point in trying. I know in a few weeks, maybe a month, it'll be Ok, things will settle again, but I'm at the beginning of the cycle right now.

Not feeling capable of a whole lot right now. I should be grateful I guess that at least I have periods of time without feeling depressed. Never used to be like that so I should be grateful. It's frustrating though, always coming back to this. Things I enjoyed doing a week ago are an effort, a chore. People that I love--who love me--are copping the brunt of my short fuse. Irritated by everything. Tired, so tired, could sleep for a week straight--of course that wouldn't help with the intrusive nightmares I tend to have.

Having to smile, play, have fun with my kid, it's all such an effort right now. And I'm doing it, as much as I can, but I'm bitter on the inside, resentful that I can't just lock myself away and ignore all responsibility.

I'm feeling sorry for myself--for the little kid I used to be. And I'm feeling pathetic and guilty for feeling sorry for myself.

The days are dragging on like they're never going to end. Every day just lasting an eternity. Just want the day to end so I can go to bed. But the responsibilities never end, kid, work, partner, life, you can't just switch off. Can not wait til my boy is in bed and I can have a drink. But I can't do that--work--fu*k.

If anyone is about, I'd love a chat, cheers all.