Healing is exceptionally draining in itself.

It has been 42 weeks and six days today since I cut all contact with my mother. Cutting contact with her meant I lost my sister and niece as well. Triple whammy.

The only time I contacted her since I cut all contact, was via email once. It was in May or June sometime this year. It was another difficult email to write and a huge process to work through for me before notifying her of my decision. Alot of emotional turmoil to deal with.

Years back, my mother had put me in charge of everything upon her passing. Absolutely everything. I wasn't asked, I was told. Naturally given my background, I just accepted it and once again stuffed away my emotions, feelings and thoughts.

I thought well who else is going to do it? I still have a fair bit to work through with that decision of mine. I got in touch via email to notify her to make other arrangements regarding all of it. I kept it in emotional, which was very hard. I never asked anything, I told her which was also hard to do.

I never offered reasons and excuses. I just said it us not in my best interests to take on any of these roles and be responsible for all the arrangements that will need to be made.

I had thought about it as if it was happening and it was painful to do. The reality is, it would have been a disaster. I had to think only about myself for once.

I told her that if the changes did not go ahead, I will go to court and say I cannot take this responsibility on and they will appoint someone else. I found out legally what I could do, in the event of.

It was a very difficult process for me to go through. I sent off the email.

The next day I got an email from her saying it's been changed. Nothing else was said in the email.I knew it was a lie. I knew it was bitchiness. I knew she would see herself as a victim. I never responded and still haven't.

Other than that, there has been no contact. Healing from a lifetime of abuse and extreme toxicity is so very draining and tiring. I'm not out of the woods mentally.

It's currently a nightmare and a rollercoaster emotionally. I'm slowly coming to.understand that Is can't fix her nor save her. It's been an ingrained pattern for such a very long time. A toxic, abusive pattern. On one hand I'm incredibly drained, on the other I am very relieved that is done. No more fixing or rescuing. I'm also applying that to my life now as well. It's a big discovery how much of my identity has been, I'm the rescuer and fixer. A role I am definitely ready to completely relinquish. In fact, I literally want to throw up at the thought of it.

My father has been out of my life for ten years now. Still work for me to do around him. I made the decision quite a while back that I would not attend his funeral. I would not be welcome there anyway, so it's a no brainer. I've put strong boundaries down and consequences, that I'm not to be contacted if he is sick, dying or has died. I'm not interested. I have said any and all correspondence regarding the matter will be completely ignored, not read and not responded to. I never got a response. That's fine. As long as my boundaries and decisions got read, that's all I care about.

My mother was and is still very toxic. Her choices and treatment did massive damage to me and my life. I can't change her. That is the reality. I don't believe she us going to change either.

Talking about this is hard. I'm.damn angry with her. She really messed with my head and heart. She could have gone and seen a therapist at any time to get help. I read this morning that toxic people enjoy suffering. It means they get to play victim of their own circumstances. They very rarely change. It was a good article. The emotions, feelings, thoughts and memories are so draining that most days I don't want to engage with much as I'm so exhausted.