Hi @SJT63
I am so sorry I've been MIA for a few days.
I'm continuing to have problems with the tooth that had the filling last Wednesday. I ended up in Emergency on Sunday night from the pain.
To cut a long story short... I may need a root canal. I will know in 1.5 weeks.
In hindsight, I should have delayed the filling as I'd been under enourmous stress the week before from my partners disappearance.
I usually have excellent health and get great report cards from the dentist.
So this is really a great reminder that my health is suffering in this relationship.
February 2018 my partner of 10 years passed away. His adult children were horribly cruel to me afterwards and so I got some counseling, went on The Ghan by myself and gathered up my skirts and moved on.
I'm really sorry to hear about your previous partner. That must have been very hurtful. I wish there was a magic carpet that could whisk all the hurt away. I don't want to diminish your pain by explaining mine at this time... I can only say...I'm really sorry and wish I could give you a hug and a cup of tea! I'll share my background at a later date.
To touch on some of your other points...
It has gotten much much worse since the pandemic because we are all a little more vulnerable right now, and he amplifies bad stuff in his head all the time. There are still the "nice" times but they are fleeting and not often. Your videos were great.. so he is either "himself" or in dysphoric hypomania. The mixed state would go on for a few days every six weeks or so. Usually I could identify the trigger - something would happen that was a worry to him and his emotions would get out of control. We could live with that no problems.
Yes, I agree, sounds like we're living with similar situations right now.
Things were going okay between us, but for the last 6 weeks it feels like he's almost constantly in a mixed state. When he came back from the hotel, he was 'there' but that only lasted a few days, now he's back to fluctuating between up and down.
We had another disagreement last night. Bear in mind I have been doing nothing but lying in bed dealing with pain. This morning I offered to go to a hotel. He said he doesn't want that. We've agreed to stay out of each others' way in the apartment.
He's got an infection in his teeth. I've had his root canal brought forward but it's still 2 weeks away.
I've reached out to his psychiatrist and will do so again today. There just doesn't seem to be anything anyone can 'do', right.
My partner carries on that I create the drama... I'm trying to control him... I blame every problem on his diagnosis. He tells me he's got important thing to do, that's why he's so busy... blahh....
I'm beginning to feel like this is a well rehersed routine for him to deflect attention. I think it also suits him that me and his mother have had a big falling out. We're easier to manipulate separately than together.
I remember all the things he's told me about past relationships, mostly about his most previous ex (8 years). The comment he would most frequently make is 'if she could have been different... we could have had a great relationship'.
He is now using the same words on me.
And his long-term ex (20 years) which he had 2 boys with. They don't want to see him. SMS is the most they can manage.
Most of his relationships are over SMS. I've mentioned before, he doesn't have ONE close friend.
In summary, I'm starting to see his pattern of behaviour. I had hoped that with the diagnosis that his periods of 'himself' would be greater than the 'other' states. I'm hoping that his root canal (and mine) will bring some relief.
And I'm back to my original question, how long do I put myself in this position which is ultimately unsafe?
He got well again and life was great. I have never been loved so well, supported so much, or had so many laughs. I had forgotten how to laugh.
I know what you mean by this... when my partner is 'himself' things are so great. There is honestly nowhere else I'd prefer to be. But I wonder if you wonder the same thing. During these periods, is the connection too awesome. For me, it can sometimes feel like there is anxiety / dependency with the connection. I don't know how to explain it... It's great to feel so wanted but it feels like it could almost be anyone keeping my place...
How does it feel for you?
He had a serious breakdown. I probably should have called an ambulance and if he were ever that sick again I would, however, I took time off work on and off and looked after him and he slowly came good. About 3 months from start to finish, with a steady gradual improvement after about 4 weeks.
My partner has also had concussions. Three in total I think. This definately doesn't help things.
One of the first things that happens when he starts to go off track is that he doesn't attend to things that really need to be looked at. Things that have deadlines like bills - and letters from the body corporate about your overgrown garden. Several such letters which become progressively more insistent until finally they give an exact date after which they will take matters into their own hands. There have been a lot of run ins with the body corp because he is just that kinda guy 🙂
This is a really helpful observation. A similar thing happens here too. A few weeks ago, ALL the chores were being done before I would wake up. The cat poo was getting scooped out every morning, dishes done, floors washed, breakfast made etc.
This was manic state, I can see in hindsight.
Now it's more mixed state. Washing is not done, cupcake wrappers by the bed, packets of buscuits being eaten in bed. It's actually more like a 'normal' male but but combined with all the other behaviours, it's distressing.
This was the point at which my family turned their back on me for not leaving some random crazy guy I'd only know a few months. What they didn't get, what they never get about me, is that I have too much compassion and empathy to turn away anyone in need.
His family thinks I'm crazy for not having lef him. And you know... I come up with the same answer. He needs help...if I don't help, who will???
My mum use to tell me how horrible I was so I've spent a lot of my life trying to prove her wrong.
I hold out a lot of hope for the medication that he's just started taking. I found the script he'd had since Monday when I got home on Friday, filled it, and finally got him to start taking it yesterday. I expect a few weeks before we notice anything and in the meantime I am gradually modifying my behaviour back to being myself again instead of what I'm second guessing I need to be to keep him calm.
I feel ok today. I hope you do to xoxo
Thank you for your posts. They provide me a lot of comfort. I hope things do get back on track with your partner, and with mine also.
My partner is also due to try an additional medication to lower the 'high' moods.
What we discussed this morning is.... who are his 'spotters' and how can they communicate when they sense there is an issue with his mood/bahaviour.
He hasn't provided answers and I'm just going to focus on that.
And keeping my distance.
Best of luck to you, and a big hug,
xx
