Thanks Apple, for your support and advice. I am sorry to hear of your struggles, and I hope things have improved for you.
I love the advice about engaging in play with a child as a way of breaking out of a toxic dynamic - just as I loved the story in the Herald a fortnight ago about a teenager's depression being addressed through deep discussions with his father while rock climbing together.
Regrettably, those strategies seem utterly useless right now. We are in a phase in which our son cannot tolerate being in our presence, and cannot talk to us without hostile abuse. Right now, the concept of games with my son feels absurdly remote.
I am sure you are correct in your advice about being wary of the objectivity, certainty and significance of a diagnostic label. (And I can sometimes feel the silly temptation of thinking that the problem will be solved when someone puts a label on it). But I am feeling at the moment that we must explore and select a new approach; and that the right diagnosis might be critical to that selection; and that we have to work with the best diagnosis we can get (even if we can't be sure it is necessarily right).
I hold no hope that our son will attend any sessions with any practitioner we find, at least in the short term. But I have prepared very detailed written observations for provision to the practitioner, and I hope we can get a working diagnosis, and that my wife and I can get guidance on helping to create the best environment we can to help our son (and hopefully generate an environment where we can play again)
By the way, we have a conventional family, with a younger daughter.
Kind regards
Rocky1