gezimiNew Contributor
loneliness and isolation
Hi,
I've got a lot of problems in my life at the moment. Primarily at this very second, loneliness and isolation. I just need to put thoughts into words right now. I thought of calling a helpline, but I just can't bring myself to actually talk to someone on the phone.
Some months back, I did a few terrible things to a very close friend of mine, but I didn't want to face up to it. Other friends of mine including my sister wanted to talk to me about it, but I closed myself off more and more, staying out late or all night, not replying to calls or messages and then I moved out. So for three months now, I've been living alone, with no contact with any family (my parents were abusive and i have no contact with them) or friends. Because of coronavirus, my work is online, and i'm frequently late and not doing my responsibilities properly.
I feel as if I'm in a self-imposed state of isolation that I'm afraid to get out of but sometimes I just feel like breaking down. I've gone back to some old addictions which I had kicked many years ago, but I feel as if only when my mind is numbed can I am keep sane.
I was in the middle of therapy actually when I did those things. Part of the reason why I feel I don't want to reach out, is because I know I'm not a good person. I have suspected multiple personality disorders, including ASPD and NPD. I know I have brain damage and trauma from a brain scan.
I feel like what I would really want right now is just to feel cared for and supported, but that I have to admit many terrible things that I've done first, which scares me.
