Feeling isolated

Hello @Snow-owl

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing a bit of your story.

Well done for taking some time to focus on yourself over the past year. It can be so hard to do that when we are concerned about people we love and want to help them. I think you’re right though when you say that you can’t force people to change.

These forums are a great place to find support from others who have had similar experiences. @Jenna has posted here about needing to distance herself from her mum and has received some helpful input from @Decadian, @Shaz51 and @blackdog. You might also find @this conversation started by @Troubled_One helpful.

It sounds like staying well is the most important thing right now, but it sounds like perhaps you’re finding it difficult to reconcile your need to focus on yourself with your love for your family. Do other members have any thoughts about what has helped when looking back as an adult at family relationships?

In terms of finding a therapist who specializes in children of parents with personality disorders, you might like to try contacting the Australian Pyschological Society. You can give them a call, or use the search tool on their website here.

Welcome once again @Snow-owl and please keep posting

Hi @pip, thank you for your kind words and understanding. The irony is that my mother left my father when I was 9yrs old believing she would be better off with my step-father who had swept her off her feet, rather than my father who couldn't give her the emotional support she craved. Unfortunately my mother always believed that she could not survive on her own, she feared abandonment more than anything, and stayed in her second marriage in spite of the fact that she believed he was gay. My sister and I subsequently lived in a chaotic situation with my mother drowning her sorrows every evening, causing huge fights between her and my step-father. This went on for over 25 years, after which my stepfather died an early death. My mother subsequently entered into another relationship with an equally unsuitable partner, and again alcohol and his emotional abuse of her played a huge part in their relationship breakdown. My mother was addicted to drama and eventually after her relationship breakdown, I became her regular "fight-fix" until I realized that my enabling was getting us all nowhere. In all this time I desperately wanted my mother to be happy.

All the while my father and his new family turned a blind eye to what was actually going on. Pip, you are absolutely right in that I cannot expect any emotional support from my father, and he certainly does see my depression and stress related issues as a weakness, and something he takes great pleasure in reminding me of.

Your response means a lot and I will look further into Beyond Blue.

Thank you very much @Former-Member,

You have really put it in a nutshell so to speak, and identified my conflicting issue at the moment. It really is hard explaining to outsiders how convoluted and difficult this has all been.

I will look into all the posts you have referred me to, and will also contact the Australian Psychological Society.

Thank you again.

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@Snow-owl - quote

It has taken me thirty years to come to a point where I could no longer tolerate and live with the consequences of this dysfunctional family system and behaviour.

I am especially devastated by my mother's unwillingness to seek help for her own sake, as well as that of my own family as I have a close knit family of two sons and a husband who are very supportive of me and the situation we find ourselves in.

I do miss my mother very much. I am severely codependent, and am struggling to come to terms with my mother's and sister's unwillingness to seek help and change. If I give in to the chaos again, I will have lost all that I have fought so hard for over the last year, namely my own sanity.

I know I need to move on, that I cannot force people to change, and that I need to work on my own self-development. I am hoping to find a support group where I can find people who have had similar experiences, as well as a therapist who specializes in dealing with adult children of parents with a personality disorder.

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Hi @Snow-owl

I am so glad you have shared so much of your story with us - and I would like to take this chance to welcome you to our website

I have taken the chance to quote your post and to pick out the most important parts of what you have written - these are the parts of your story that say the most to me about the life you have lived and how hard you have fought to keep your own sanity and also your close-knit family

Thirty years is a long time - a long battle - and it is important that you have seen how damaging it has been to have an unstable mother and a co-dependent sister - except that my mother didn't drink our stories are strangly similar

I have had to move on too - and had to face repressed memories when my mother died last year - I had all of these bad memories come to me at her funeral - and I was really ill - I even had to spend the night in hospital - so I can see how this kind of parenting (your mother and mine) and me have a toxic sister each too I think - so we have a good place to start a conversation

My mother had a rotten childhood - not that it excuses her abuse when I was was child which was physical - and then verbal and emotional when I was an adult - I often left my family of origin for years at a time

So - her father and her sister died when she was a child - and I always heard my grandmother - whom I loved deeply and sincerely - bad-mouthing my grandfather - but I went to Canberra to the War Memorial and found my grandfather's service records and he was not at all like I thought from what my grandmother had said - and I can see how badly it would have affected my mother - my grandfather was a pretty ordinary bloke - not perfect - but not that bad either

Still we do not hang around for our mother's to treat us badly - and mine really had a mouth - and I had been forced to grow up young - and found my own life - and did a lot and I am getting on in years now and know I have had a fantastic life in spite of all that happened

In your case - you are right - you can't change anything - your mother and your sister will not be likely to see there is any problem - and they like it that way and of course you miss them - of course we would like to have our family around - and they are just people after all

But there are so many famillies that are toxic - the most important thing you have to do is to take care of your own health and look after your own family that is close-knit

I know how hard this is - and how heart-breaking - and how desperate it can be to know it will not change

Hopefully you can find that the other people in this forum who have had these kinds of problems with their mothers can give you a picture than you are not alone - and it will be hard - but much better - not to undo the work of 30 years

Keep in touch @Snow-owl

I am very found of owls myself

Decadian

Hi @Decadian (and friend of owls ),

Thank you so much for your kind response. Having it pointed out like you have with my copied text really does help. Thirty years is a very long time. Truthfully, I think I have been living in denial for a very long time and it was only when my depression really hit hard that I realized I simply had to fight for me.

Like your mother, my mother had a dreadful childhood, and this damaged her to a great degree and I think is the cause of her Borderline Personality Disorder. I was told by my aunt who also unfortunately lives in another country, that along with alcoholism their mother also struggled with prescription drug addiction. My mother is one of five siblings, three of whom have struggled with alcohol addiction, and two have died in their mid-50's or so. My mother always felt sorry for her own mother who also struggled so much, and I constantly forgave my own mother her behaviour because of her dreadful childhood experience and just wanted her to be happy.

At some point though, the cycle has to stop and I realized it was up to me to stand up for myself and my own family. Both my sons (24 and 19) are very hurt and angry that my mother and sister have chosen alcohol over a relationship with us.

I do understand that people who struggle with alcohol addiction and personality disorders are not choosing alcohol over us as such, but rather that it is a disease and they struggle with themselves more than anything. However, they also have choices. I am also fully aware that I am lucky in a way that I am not in my sister's position as the roles could easily have been reversed. My sister was always my mother's favourite, and thereby my mother created a buddy for herself, and certainly has not helped my sister make better choices especially in her younger years. They are not bad people, there are many good parts that I miss very much, they just make very poor choices.

On the other hand, dealing with my mother who has BPD can be entirely crazy making, and her temper as well as my sister's is very volatile. When my mother drinks alcohol she becomes more belligerent. Whilst my mother can be kind and sweet and I have learnt so much from her, she just cannot control her emotions around me especially, she seems to take all her anger and frustration out on me, and has been incredibly cruel towards me, even telling me that her second marriage issues were largely my fault. Looking back my mother has never been responsible for anything really, most times I have felt that I am the adult and she the child.

I was sexually abused between the ages of 7 and 9 by a friend's much older brother, and I never told a soul until I told my step-mother as she was going to send my half-sister to the same school where one of the perpetrators taught, and although they did fortunately send her to a different school I was not believed and told that it was not for the reason I told her. I finally told my mother in my 40's and she also did not think it was a big deal until I pointed out that my niece at the time was 9 and surely she would not be okay with a 17 year old abusing her?

My mother does have a choice, because my mother does know how to behave when she needs to. In all of this I would be willing to have a relationship with her as I do still love her very much, provided she sought help, and stopped drinking, which she is refusing to do. So here I am, so conflicted as @Former-Member mentioned.

Decadian, I am so sorry that you had such a terrible time after your mother's funeral, and glad to hear that in spite of how badly your mother treated you, you did manage to have a fantastic life in spite of what happened to you. I am in the same position, and your words mean a lot.

I do need to move on from the toxicity, and the heartbreak as you say. I was asked how I would feel if my mother died, and my honest response was that of course I would be devastated, as I have been over the last year, but I do know I have tried over many years to have a different outcome and at the end of the day it was her choice not to have a relationship with me or my own family. It is heartbreaking, I don't think the pain will ever go away completely, but I will grow and learn and focus on myself, my loved ones and friends who do value a reciprocal relationship with me.

Thank you again, it means a lot just to be heard.

Snow-owl

Hi @Snow-owl

That was a wonderful and helpful reply - I am not alone in this world of abusive mothers - and 30 years is a long time -

I noticed what you wrote to @pip about your mother having abandonment issues - I think my mother did too - she was alone with her mother after her sister died - and then she married and our grandmother was always around and then moved in an lived out her life with us

Then my mother lived her whole life supporting my father with his career - you know - the woman behind the successful man - and when Dad died (from old age) mum lost the plot and yelled after the funeral as the hearse took what was left of Dad away - and carried on like the pork chop thing - and when my son died my mother did not let me grieve - and as well as being hurt to my core when my mother was calling out for Dad - I was also angry - How Dare She!!!!

But she entirely lost the plot - and snarled at people who visited her in care - and I refused to visit - I had enough of her - and really - everyone needs to earn our respect - we are adults and learn to live a life that is valuable to ourselves - not for the benefit of people who seem to go out of their way to hurt us

I was wrecked at my mother's funeral - I thought I was going to throw up and I wanted to run out of the chapel and away from the travesty of a service but two of my relatives were holding me down - I fainted from lack of food I think and taken away to hospital - still wondering why - I got more and more angry while I was there - not acting it out - but still telling people I could go home but they wanted to know why I fainted -

Personally I think I was stressed past sense and my body sagged on me - who would not faint?

Nevertheless - it is true that people who are co-dependent need a buddy and my sister is that person - and sometimes I wonder if my sister is okay - but through the years the situation is too toxic and at this point in time - irredeemable -

Once a situation reaches that point there is nothing left to do - and I think you have realised that - but it seems to me it is better to live out a life with the people who are pleasing to us in a lot of ways rather than try to sort things out with codependent family members

But I am sorry you were abused and then - not believed when you sought to protect your half-sister - but they did not send your sister to that school either - good and bad - I had something similar happen myself

This has been a helpful exchange of ideas @Snow-owl

Decadian

Hi @Decadian,

It sounds like it was very traumatic for you at your dad's funeral, and at your mother's funeral with all the flashbacks, and I feel sometimes our bodies have to help us shut down because we are not listening to our own internal gut feelings.

It does sound like your mother had abandonment issues, likewise, my mother has never lived on her own until the last few years either.

I am very saddened to hear that you lost your son, and angry for you that your mother did not allow you to grieve.

I have also finally accepted that I need to distance myself from my family on both sides, as it all just hurts too much, and their lack of empathy hurts even more. Like you I also wonder if I'll ever have a good relationship with my sister and half-sister, if it is ever redeemable.

I guess we all have so many stories to tell, and just today I saw a saying that says not to let the darkness of my past block the light of joy in my present. I need to stay focused and stop looking back, I do have a lot to be grateful for in my present.

Thank you Decadian, it helps to share similar experiences.

Snow-owl

Hi @Snow-owl

That was a wonderful and sensitive reply - thank you

I was close to my father - while he was alive he kept the toxic levels of the family under control but since he died my sister has had a free rein - or at least - I see it this way

She is metaphorically standing on a pile of sand singing "I'm the King of the Castle etc" and I wander off on my own and enjoy my own Castle - which is wonderful - my interior palace where I have my place and know the rules and intrustions are few

Yes - my mother's funeral was traumatic - I would rather not think about it but I have had a course of psycho-therapy and finished for now - I had a lot of new memories - or rather very old memories that surfaced like the Leviathan from Loch Ness - or where ever - and I dragged all of my stuff out in the right place - in my psycho-therapist's office and eventually it all got very tired and boring - I can think of it without crashing now

About my son - 30 years is important for you - and I just passed the 30th anniverary of my son's death - it is always a sad time of year for me - but maybe easier this year because of the psycho-therapy and my mother having died - I had a few bad days and took a few days away just before the anniversary - I woke up feeling devastated on the day of the anniversary - but I was flying home that day and so after ringing Life Line twice I got out of the hotel and enjoyed walking around until it was time to get to the airport

But that was Saturday - on Monday I had an almighty migraine - and I know now that no matter how far I run and how fast I can sprint I will never get away from some suffering at the anniversary. It is always hard to lose a loved one - but one of our children - that takes a huge hunk of our future with it - and no one ever wants anyone to know how that feels

But I felt betrayed by my mother - I still do feel betrayed - but yes - it's okay to feel that way as long as it doesn't destroy me - I have put her in a box in my mind and I know she will get out with all the catty and cutting things she said and whatever - she can't hurt me any more - she has done her worst and I rather like the person I am

Like you I have had to cut people out of my life - and I love what your wrote

Do not let the darkness of my past block out the light of joy in my present

For most of the time my life has been brilliant - I understand the Celtic Twilight - well versed by my grandmother - and still move between the shadows and the light aware that both are needed to understand the world

And it does help to share our experiences - whatever they are - but particularly when they lead us from the darkness to the glory

Not everyone sees that

Decadian

Hi @Decadian,

Such a poignant message from you, I am deeply saddened by the loss of your son and the heartache for you around the 30th anniversary of his death. I am glad you took the time out for self-care, and managed to enjoy a walk before your flight. My dear aunt lost her daughter at the age of 16 and told me that it is something that one never gets over, the pain will always linger, she has learnt to accept it and tries very hard to continue doing the things that bring her joy.

" still move between the shadows and the light aware that both are needed to understand the world" - I like that saying, we cannot be the people we are today, without the struggle and the joy, which brings a certain empathy for others. I am glad that you are happy with the person you are, that is most important.

I will continue to work on my own personal development, and try and focus on the good.

Thank you Decadian