Had enough..

Dear essbee-93. Well, putting it bluntly, you're existing - just. You're on such an emotional roller coaster of up's and downs', you don't know who 'you' are anymore. Your partner is obviously at his wits end trying to make head or tail of this 'stranger' he's found himself with. Depression/anxiety can give us all sorts of severe mood swings, we either feel on top, or we crash. When we crash, it's with an almighty bang. Are you taking AD's for your depression, or are you hoping it will just 'go away'. Depression does seem to come and go, yes, but when it hits, it doesn't care who or how hard. The constant battle you're engaging in with your partner, would be more directed at your frustration at not understanding, or being understood. He can't understand, till you do. You're scared of losing what you have, you're tired of the constant battle to 'box on'. I would suggest you make an appointment with your Dr and ask for a referral to a therapist. Psychiatrists are good, but psychologists or counsellors are better at helping us get rid of the emotional garbage we seem to accumulate as we get older. It's entirely possible you have bipolar, which while it sounds scary, is quite manageable once you are taking meds to control it. With bipolar, you may need a mood stabilizer as well. I suggest, as I said, go to your Dr and ask for help. Don't be scared to ask for help, don't try to fight this alone. If necessary suggest your partner/hubby accompany you so he understands what the problem is.

Dear essbee. When AD's are adjusted 'up' or 'down' it can take time to readjust. But if they're constantly chopping and changing without giving you time to readjust, you are on more of a roller coaster. Between you and me. I couldn't agree more about the motorbike situation. Personally I'm also terrified when I see people riding. Losing someone to death can be devastating, no matter whether it's friend or family. With your partner on a motorbike, I'm afraid you're never going to loose the fear you have. It might be an idea to start keeping a personal journey of your inner thoughts and fears. Fear of losing your partner, fear of adjusting to AD's, the dosage, how they make you feel. Try also writing a letter to your nana, tell her how much she meant, tell her how much you loved her, what you learnt from her wisdom. Remember her smile. Tell her your fears about your partner. Shut your eyes, talk to her, ask for help and guidance. If you can get in touch with her in your heart and mind, listen to her words. My nan died years ago, but I still recall how wonderful and wise she was. I often think about what she might say, how she might guide me, now. When it comes to dealing with men, try to remember, they are usually boys trying to be men, but not quite knowing how they're supposed to act. Your partner's bike riding is his way of hanging onto his youth. He will possibly never understand you because he isn't wired to. To him, you're making a fuss about nothing, he may try to appreciate some of what you say, but he will inevitably still continue riding as that is his outlet. I think you may have to find some way of mentally letting him indulge in his fantasy life. Do you have any hobbies/interests. Try to find something that will stop you fretting. He needs to know you're not worrying. I realize that's a tall order, but the more you fret, the more he worries about you fretting and he needs to concentrate. Perhaps if you went for a walk, did some shopping, went to the movies, visited a gf. Once you start relaxing, he will settle more and things will ease. Ask your nana for help. Remember, she was there for you once, don't be scared to 'call' her again. Nana's love to be needed

Dear Pip,
The medication hadn't needed adjusting for some time. But with the moods dropping, my anxiety increasing and the sleep becoming almost non existant, the psychiatrist decided something needed to be adjusted. Unfortunately, the anxiety has gotten worse and the sleep is still evading me.
I was very against the motorbike at first, but it's not the first he's owned and I do trust him - I ended up saying yes. I keep a journal and if I don't have it, I write in my phone. I do trust him and I know he's safe, I just can't help it. I know he can switch off to me and my worrying. I don't have many friends, so i don't go and visit people often.. But again in saying that, I don't like to go do much without my partner. I can work okay all day without him because it's familiar and safe and I know everybody and I've done it for years now.. But outside of work, if he can be with me - I prefer that.

I let him go riding as often as he wants. Usually some time over the weekend he'll go riding and I'll clean the house and catch up on stuff at home.

I think writing a letter to Nan is a good idea. I talk to her every day. I have a half sleeve tattoo as a memorial for her. I miss her a lot and it still isn't easy.

My partner tends to shut me out when things get hard and I hate it. I can't stand it and it makes me even more angsty. I don't feel like I'm in control.

I hate feeling like this.