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Separating the behaviour from the illness

UprightRabbitSenior Contributor29 Aug 2020, 8:41 am AEST

Separating the behaviour from the illness

Hi everyone 🤗

I'm in 'relationship postmortem' phase where I try to shape a narrative of what happened so that it makes sense to me.

I catalyzed my separation days ago and have been in temporary accommodation while my ex relocates.

The first three actions my ex took:

1. Demanded half our savings (I brought in a lump sum from the sale of my home and wasn't prepared for that demand)

2. Accused me of cheating

3. Swore at me and ridiculed my perceptions

Now I know there are many sides to every story. Maybe in his narrative, I was the bad guy.

Or maybe I've let his diagnosed mental illness mask the fact that he could at times, just be kind of a jerk?

Maybe he has MI and is also sometimes a jerk. Maybe it was only due to the MI. Maybe I allowed bad behaviour to continue for too long because I couldn't tell the difference. Maybe if he does the work, he'll be awesome. Or maybe he'll be a jerk who has recovered from MI.

I struggle here. Why does it matter so much to me to sort this out in my own mind?

I lost my cool late yesterday and told him, 'You're chucking a tantrum because you've been called out for bad behaviour'. And he is a lot like a six foot child in some ways.

Love to hear other perspectives.

Best, Rabbit.

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In response to: Separating the behaviour from the illness

SJT63Senior Contributor16 Sept 2020, 9:49 am AEST

Re: Separating the behaviour from the illness

@UprightRabbit are you still about?

I had my weekend away but spent most of it unwell.... my body expelling all the pent up stress.

I was back less than 24 hours before it all started up again and, as I hadn't unpacked the car yet I left again. I'm staying near work in a bnb. I've had no contact from him since I text Monday night to tell him I wouldn't be home and I didn't answer his calls.

I'm very worried about him but I just can't face going home at the moment. I miss my own place (as I've effectively been away since Friday) and feel just a little resentful that he is in my house while I'm camping out but it's my choice not go back.

I've asked him to get more help than he's getting now, to action all the referrals he has been given for various complaints, as well as his MI.

I feel so lost.

In response to: Re: Separating the behaviour from the illness

UprightRabbitSenior Contributor18 Sept 2020, 1:32 pm AEST

Re: Separating the behaviour from the illness

Hi @SJT63

I'm sorry I've been gone. Had stuff. To deal with. Lemme make a coffee and catch up. Hang on.

Rabbit.

In response to: Re: Separating the behaviour from the illness

UprightRabbitSenior Contributor18 Sept 2020, 1:37 pm AEST

Re: Separating the behaviour from the illness

Hi @SJT63

You have done exactly what I did. There are waaay too many parallels. Our bodies will only pay the price for so long, then they shout at us that they can't pay it any more. Our minds will struggle to continue for longer but our bodies tell us the truth.

I did just that only the bnb I stayed in was - naughty- the one I work in. Between guests obviously. What is happening now - where are you geographically, what is your status?

Rabbit.

In response to: Re: Separating the behaviour from the illness

UprightRabbitSenior Contributor18 Sept 2020, 1:40 pm AEST

Re: Separating the behaviour from the illness

I hear you feeling lost. I'd like you to feel that a roadmap out of here can be created. Can I ask, is there any sense of peace in at least knowing you don't need to endure any more of his behaviour for today at least? How much farther are you prepared to go?

Here for you. Late, but here.

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